I'm not really sure where to start. I recently ran across this forum and thought I'd write. Maybe I could get some suggestions on how to forgive my husband.<BR>He has had an affair (very short, but hard to digest) I don't know what to do anymore. How do people get on with their life when they have been betrayed? What is the next step?<BR>We have a beautiful daughter together and I do not want to rip her from her daddy, but I am very sad right now. It doesn't seem fair (to her) to go, or to stay if I am unhappy. All we do is argue. That's not a good environment to be in either.<BR>I believe that it would have hurt, no matter whom affair had been with...but, in this case...affair was with ex (whom he also has a daughter with.) A person who will be in our lives, at least for the next 10 years. How do you deal with that?

I feel for you. What an awful thing to have to go thru, especially as it's somebody you know. My H's affair was with my former best friend so I know what double betrayal feels like. I hope you will consider counseling, it really does help. If he's not willing to go, you will help yourself and your marriage even if you go alone. There are many good books available too-Torn Asunder, Surviving An Affair, After the Affair, etc. <P>Please don't make any major decisions right now. My H and I were separated for almost 9 months and I really think it saved us. I didn't have to see him moping around about her and he didn't have to see my daily range of emotions-from hurt to rage to depression, etc. Perhaps a short separation will help you to rebuild your marriage. It will help you recover if he shows remorse.<P>I wish you luck and keep us posted.

My H had what I think was his first affair in 1990...It was devastating--as they all have been. My daughters were adorable, 5 and 7 years old. I also found out at that time that I was pregnant again. <P>You go through stages of disbelief, panic, anger, sadness and depression. If he repents and realizes that he made a mistake, it makes it easier to go on. You will always go through a lot of pain and sorrow. It took me about 2 years to re-establish trust and feel like our relationship was semi-normal again. My H always just wanted to put the affairs behind us and go on.<P>I realize now, that he was never remorseful for his affairs. And by just going on and not improving the basic faults in our relationship--we set our relationship up for other affairs. <P>Just remember it takes time to rebuild, it takes the commitment of both partners to make it work. You will never forget the affair---but its memory will fade. Be prepared for things to trigger your emotions, and that just takes time to not happen as often. <P>Counseling helps tremondously, as does support groups. This site is a lifesavor for me, because people here have been in similar situations and can empathize. I never had that before, and didn't use counseling before as much either. Both help tremondously. Reading the book "Surviving AN Affair" was a great help--although this time I wasn't able to use it--things had gotten too far out of hand. The book will help you recognize the different things you will go thru while on the road to recovery. <P>You know--even after going through that painful process four other times, it is still much better than going through what I am going through now with the divorce. This is pure hell. I miss my family being together, I miss having him home, I miss doing the things we liked to do as a family. My life will never be the same--nor will my kid's lives. How sad.<P>Forgiving and moving on is hard work. I know....I have done it. But if you can build a good marriage...it is worth the struggle. Good Luck!!!!!

Dear Cif,<P>Welcome to marriage builders, you have come to the right place. Here is a general welcome package:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>There is a site called Preg/Child there they deal with OC (other child) and the issues faced (legal, moral, emotional, etc.) There is a lot of support there. <P>Please read the above information and visit both sites. It will help you and your H. You mentioned arguing a lot. That is common. Your situation is individualized to a certain degree but you will find that a lot of us have or are experiencing many similar situations and issues. There are even some couples that post here. <P>Another tool available here is the phone counseling service hosted by Jennifer and Steve Harley. They are both well versed counselors and are the sponsers of this site. <P>After reading hte infomration, please post to us. <P>L.<P>

Tough situation...<P>I don't know if you're a Christian, but if you are, you must forgive. Suggestions on how to help your decision to forgive? Remember, forgiveness is not a process, it's a decision. Just like love--we decide who and for how long, and we act on it. Love is an action word (a verb), and so is forgiveness.<P>God never said it was easy to forgive and He never said we would forget the pain, but something that helps us forgive people who have trespassed against us is when we pray for them daily. Ask God to forgive them and bless them, then ask Him to forgive you and help you forgive others. Then ask Him to show you how to love the person(s). He will show you that they are just as valuable and precious to Him as you are...<P>Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the ones we forgive, forgiveness is for OUR benefit. Forgiveness mainly helps us because unforgiveness KILLS! Not only does unforgiveness kill us, it literally ties us to the person(s) we are not forgiving. It's difficult to drive while staring into the rearview mirror! We have to let go of the past. Our destiny is in God, not in our past! Look to God.<P>Forgive for your own health's sake!