Here's my story... wonder if anyone can give me some strength.<P>It's a long one... please bear with me.<P>Around one year ago I began to realize that I was in a troubled relationship and that I was trapped. My wife and I were married 2 years and I had gone along with her wishes to have a child- because I wanted one, she wanted one. But what I came to realize slowly during the pregnancy was that I was truly unhappy with her and the life she wanted to build and the lifestyle she wanted to live. <P>She is a wonderful person- caring, loyal, loving- but so down-to-earth and comfortable that she refuses to change and live like a young person. I have always pushed myself and never precluded myself from anything in life, but I feel she has a whole 5, 10, 20 year plan that cannot change. Basically-- I have 1000x the energy level that she does and although I would love her to come along and be more like me, I don't see it happening.<P>Unfortunately, this led me to start questioning my own happiness. I tried changing careers, new fitness lifestyles, music, travelling... but I always felt limited by her. Her slower pace and lack of adventure were killing mine.<P>I guess it was only a matter of time before I met a young girl who caught my eye. I caught hers. I won't bore with the details, but it was a typical long distance affair.<P>Somehow we became very intimate over email and the phone... it was very confusing and unreal. But powerful.<P>The pain was awful... and my life went into a tailspin of ups and downs. My beautiful baby was born to much happiness, my relationship with my wife was in the sewer, my new relationship was rocky but full of passion. And the encounters continued.<P>I finally told my wife my feelings (once I figured the baby-blues and hardships of childbirth were somewhat settled). I called a counsellor and offered to try to save the marriage if possible. But at this time we were emotional wrecks. I finally ended up moving in with my parents for a period of time (recommended by the counsellor) and then to a small apartment for another 2 weeks.<P>Simultaneously, I tried many times to end the new relationship. I had read the MB website so much that I knew I was probably in it because of the wrong reasons... and I tried to put logic into it-- because it felt weird to end the relationship with the new person-- especially when I felt I needed her so much.<P>My wife gave me an ulitmatum to come home or separate for good. I came home. I moved back in. Why?-- I couldn't give her a good reason besides, yes I think we should try, at least for the baby and to stop making her so miserable. I also told my OW it was over (really, I did) until my marriage ends- I won't be party to our relationship until something is resolved in my marriage.<P>Right now, I am hurt. I hurt like no-ones business. I couldn't wish this fiasco on anyone, not my worst enemy or Saddam Hussein or anyone! I feel like I am trapped in a lose-lose scenario. Stay with a beautiful baby and unloving relationship, or jump ship to a beautiful woman whom I *thought* I was in love with!?!<P>I can live with my wife in a business-like relationship, but I don't love her anymore (I'm not sure that I did... she was my first real girlfriend and we married quickly with parental pressure). We are just comfortable together. She wants to work out eveything- she loves me to no end, she says she will change Anything and Everthing to make it work out for me, and for us. She knows I had an affair and she says she can get over it.<P>I hurt because I sometimes truly believe I love my new fried more than my wife. I hurt because my parents and councellors and others around me are pushing me to go back home... to just 'try'. Try and see. I feel like I don't know why I am trying anymore... I am just making everyone else happy so they stop ridiculing me and making me feel guilty.<P>How do I stop hurting? I need to resolve whether or not I can truly love my wife (again or for the first time?). I'm dying here because I can see the agony of the pain I am causing everyone. And it hurts because I think my friend will not give me the space and time I need... I think she will disappear forever... I have to understand that that is ok.<P>Today I woke up and came to work. I feel like crying all the time. Writing helps, but not much.<P>help?<P>-venizio<P><BR>[This message has been edited by venizio (edited August 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by venizio (edited August 24, 2001).]

Hello Venzio,<P>You and your W have been thru the ringer. Let me start by saying that I, too was the wayward spouse. I understand what it feels like to take a look at your life and go crazy because you're not sure that's where you want to be.<P>It looks to me like you have two options: <P>1) divorce your W. Let her have the freedom to find that person who is willing to be there for her. Your child will grow up knowing Mommy and Daddy don't care for each other, but he will learn to think this is an acceptable lifestyle. He may even think that it's because of him that everyone is unhappy. (and in a way, it would be. What a sad little life.) You are bound to be unfaithful again at this rate to your wife. Don't do that to her, you have already done enough.<P>2) Make an honest effort to fall back in love with your wife. Make good on your word to her. You loved her enough to marry her and have her kids, yet you make yourself sound like a victim of circumstance. The chief thing you must do is sever all contact with this other woman. Don't make promises to her, she came along AFTER your wife. To me she should take second place. But I sincerely don't see you as being capable of that at all.<P>While I am generally much more supportive of wayward spouses who come to the board asking for help, it does anger me to think you chose to do this to your W while she was pregnant. That is about as low as you can go. And your girlfriend - what kind of a woman is she to sleep with a married man who's wife is pregnant? Perhaps you two would be better off together, after all, great minds think alike.<P>Your wife deserves a better life than you can give her.<P>Best of luck to you and your family,<P>Khyra <BR>

Have you introduced your wife to marriage builders? I think that would be the first step. Your W needs to understand what EN(emotional needs)you need met, as well as her ENs. <P>If the two of you can meet each other's EN's, you have a good chance of falling back in love with her. <P>I hate to say this but, you could use some time ALONE to sort things out, too, but I wouldn't recommend that until you try meeting each other's ENs.<BR>Plus when I say "time", I mean like several weeks.<P>PLease get other's opinions too...<p>[This message has been edited by M&J (edited August 21, 2001).]

Venizio,<P>You sound so much like my husband, and your wife sounds like me. One thing, I think, that is VERY different about men and women is the changes that take place in us when a child is in the picture. Most women get more reserved, more "conservative", and the desire to provide a proper, respectful, lifestyle for the child is more important than anything. The woman may slow her pace, plan more, and forget about the "fly by the seat of your pants" lifestyle that she used to live. I, too, became very conservative and planned when I had my children, and obviously my H wasn't finished growing up yet. He played daddy, but he also tried to live life in a fast pace at the same time. He slowed down for awhile, but recently, he started going fast pace again, and now we are separated for 5 months. I have 3 boys, 11, 9, and 5 months. He was apparently "messing around" with different women for the last 5 years, then he asked me to have a baby. I did, and now that baby is suffering (even though he doesn't know it yet). That child will one day blame himself if my H and I get a D. It's inevitable. Everything happened while I was pregnant with him, and his dad left two weeks after he was born. What else would he think?<P>You made a committment to your wife and that child. You brought a child into this world. That baby did not ask to be born, you let it happen. Oh, you can say you were pressured into marriage, you can say you were pressured into having the baby, but the fact is YOU ARE AN ADULT. If you're trapped, it's because YOU put yourself in that position. You are responsible for your own actions, and to say that you were "pressured" is just a cop out and an excuse to ease your guilty conscience.<P>My H didn't tell me how he felt for 5 years. All of this could have been avoided if he would have just communicated with me. But, because he was a coward, our marriage is a mess, and 3 children our suffering for it. Granted, I am at fault, too, for not realizing that I wasn't meeting his need for an attractive spouse (I was overweight), but I AM trying, and willing to try anything to save the marriage. It has nothing to do with loving, or not loving him. It's the right thing to do.<P>All marriages go through phases where one spouse may not love the other. That's why it's a marriage, for better or for worse. Why is it that in today's society, people just take the better for granted, and forget the worse. It all goes together. That's why my parents are still together, because they saw each other through the worse, affairs, alcoholism, you name it. But they made it, and now they are happy in their life with God.<P>You owe it to your child to try to make it work with your W. Let her know your likes and dislikes. Let her know that you want her to be more risque. Let her know what you want in bed. Be COMPLETELY HONEST. Yes, it will hurt her. But better to hurt her now to save your marriage, than to hurt your child later and be divorced. Give her a chance to fill your EN's. It's only fair. You admit that you did not express yourself to your wife, so the fault is yours for not communicating. How can someone fix what's wrong if they don't know what's wrong?<P>This A of yours is only going to die a painful death. It cannot survive because it was started to be risque. It's all about the excitement. Admit it! You know it's true. Of course you think you're in love. But you know in your heart that it won't last. It can't. It was started out of dishonesty, and you know it.<P>You CANNOT stay friends with this OW and still expect to save your marriage. It's not fair to her or your wife. You have to let her go. You have to go out of your way to remove her from your life.<P>If you choose to leave your marriage, you will one day regret it when your child is asking you, "why?" as mine do every day.<P>I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this really hits home to me. I know that people make mistakes, and Affairs are forgiveable, and no one is perfect. But accept the cosequences of your mistake. Be fair to your wife and give her a chance - I beg you! At least if it doesn't work, you know you gave it everything you had.<P>God bless you!<BR>TIG

Oh, one more thing... you said...<P>"I guess it was only a matter of time before I met a young coworker who caught my eye. I caught hers. I won't bore with the details, but we swept each other off our feet and realized we were truly seriously compatible. Our energy level, values, honesty, mutual respect were incredibly high for each other. I fell hard for her but I fought her off."<P>You said that you were compatible because of "your energy level, values, honesty, and mutual respect" How can you be in love with someone "values and honesty" included sleeping with a man whose wife was pregnant, while hiding the affair and lying to the wife the whole time? You call that "values and honesty"? If she has those values, just remember, what goes around comes around, and she (OW) will probably do the same to you.<P>Sorry, had to add that.<P>TIG

I wanted to add a few more things...Okay, this is from TRUEHEART, he is a WH (a wayward husband)to other wayward spouses like you:<P> I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water. We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok. What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!! <P>To see the entire post look under GOOD MORNING ALL--by TRUEHEART.<P>Read it and take it to Heart. You and your family deserve a second chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well said M&J...<BR>Venizio I once thought the way you are thinking.<BR>I know the things that are going through your mind right now...YOU have to make the decision to change! YOU have to give reality a chance to work.<BR>Have you read Surviving An Affair, or His Needs Her Needs, by Dr Harley? It is a way for you to see this affair for what it really is. Once you see it, understand what is happening you will come out of this fog you are in. <BR>Are the feelings real...yes<BR>Are the emotions there...yes<BR>Do you feel like they are your soulmate...yes<BR>Are any of those feelings true, honest, good...NO NO NO<BR>God will never sanction a relationship born the way you have started this one. It will never prosper. <BR>You must stop, slow down, and really think about this with your eyes open. If you will end it with this OW, really, honestly end it, the feelings will fade, you will give your W a chance to meet your most important Emotional Needs, and you will meet hers, even if you don't feel like. That love, that passion for her will come back. <BR>I have no kids, but I can tell you that would only be a reason to push harder...try harder. Your family deserves that...so does your wife. You've made one mistake, don't make another.<BR>I'll give you an analogy my Marriage counselor gave me...when you're foot itches, what do you do to make it better? Do you scratch it or do you just cut it off? Leaving your family is like cutting off your foot. You cripple yourself for life, and your family too. <BR>God can help you get through this pain...you have to be willing to let your marriage work, it can get better..it will get better. <BR>END IT WITH HER...GO BE A HUSBAND TO YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!

"MEN" keep thier committments, boys are kept by thier feelings.