Well I told you that last night my H said he would not go to counseling. I was really upset about this but decided I must go with no contact. Today I spoke with him on the phone because we have an appt. together tomorrow. We briefly discussed that and he ask how I was and I started crying (I hate being the emotional one)anyway he was trying to comfort me said things like calm down just relax I know you think I'm heartless but I really do love you and care about you. I truly believe him. He's just not in love with me. We were both working so our conversation was brief. He called me back a few hours later and we met so that he could give me money. We talked a little bit about us and he said maybe this weekend we would go for a drive or something just the two of us so that we could talk. I know that he really is confused. He admitted to me today that all he ever wanted was my affection and attention and he got sick of begging for it. He was right I took him for granted. He also said that if he came home I would constantly throw the OP in his face and he's not doing anything with her. He still says that they are friends and that he would not be sleeping with me if he were sleeping with anyone else. He said I am still demandng and controlling that when I said counseling I just gave him an ultimatum didn't ask him told him what I expected him to do. He doesn't take ultimatums very well. I don't want to get my hopes up about this. What do you think is going on here? Really need your advice on this!<BR>cybil

cybil,<P>As a guy who was one the receving end of a very controlling relationship i know the being told what to do feeling, however, i dont think that what you've done qualifies. You didnt tell him what to do, you gave him a choice. well HE made the decision. it is his choice. <P>look you have a precarious position that required you to call the police? thats not a controling woman who is giving ultimatums, its an a-hole making you feel guilt for having a reasonable boundery around his behaviour.<P>dont be inconsistant. be consistant, expect him to behave like a gut who cheated on his wife, expect to behave like a woman who maybe didnt do marriage perfectly but is willing to try. and expect him to do the "Right Things" that include treating you with respect with our all the LB's you described.<P>you had to call the police!! you have clearly stated what you need from him he should feel obligated to seek to meet that requirement you are goin beyond what would be considered reasonable not only did he F some other woman but he is creating fear in you life and he's the one complaning??<P>i am sorry cybil, where is the reality here? he isnt thinking correctly and his thought process is affecting yours. either he gets the counseling for himself so that you can have confidence that you wont be living the rest of your life in fear, or you send him packing. do not play games with this. it is not normal, on natural for things to be so severly out of control.<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Dear Cybil,<P>Step back and take a look here. When your H goes off, it scares you right? Yet he is trying to put the blame on you? My H did that. Who put a stop to it? I did. At least for me, I told H I would only respond to his anger when it was for something I actually goofed up on, not because he was mad at himself, ow, work whatever. .... Yet, my H spent some time at the tax payors expense also. H still blames me for that incident, but all involved knew where the anger issue resided. Not even my opinion, it was the police's assessment. <P>Now, when your H speaks nicely to you, there is nothing wrong to acknowledge and encourage it, but he needs to remember to continue this attitude all the time. Then you 2 will begin to see results. Will it be hard for him? Of course. My son was just explaining to me (6 years old), that I needed to understand that is is difficult to be good all the time. Sometimes is easy but all the ime is hard. Hm...... Kid's logic. Fogese logic. Ok, but I did not buy it. Why? Because I know better, I am not a kid and right now I am not in the fog. Whew......<P>So if your H is confused, that is a good sign actually. A sign that says to all (especially him) that he needs help. Now if you need reassurance you could let him know that is your need but if he gets help then as he gets stronger he can help you on your need and you can support his recovery. <P>Sounds like a win win situation if all buys into it. What do you think?<P>See if you 2 can see Steve or Jennifer. <P>L. <BR>

Thanks Chaz and Orchid for your quick replies. I understand what you are both saying. I feel as though i am partly to blame because I really really provoked him and initiated the entire incident, however I know that I am not responsible for his actions. It's so hard when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something else.<BR>I am so confused. As I know he is. I'm going to take it day by day and see what happens trying not to contact him unless it's really necessary. Please continue to pray for us we really need it. Thanks for your support.<BR>cybil

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cybil:<BR><B>Thanks Chaz and Orchid for your quick replies. I understand what you are both saying. I feel as though i am partly to blame because I really really provoked him and initiated the entire incident, however I know that I am not responsible for his actions. <BR>cybil</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>do your really know that your not responsible, would you have acted in that manner? think about your block, every family on your block has problems, they argue and fight serious marriage threatening fights happen everyday on your block, how many times have the police been called? <P>do you know how out of the norm that is?<P>day to day is fine if you are following a plan of action day to day, if your playing it by ear, your firting with disaster.<BR>

Chaz I really do understand the seriouness of this matter. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened. I do not fear from my H. Things just got out of hand. Do you think that if I even remotely thought myself or my children were in any kind of danger that I wouldn't have filed? I am not one of those women who would make light of the situation to save my H a**. Thanks for your concern. <BR>cybil