Hi everyone - I usually post under emotional needs but after thinking about it I thought it would be more appropriate for me to post this here. (I apologize in advance for the length ofthe post.)<P>Well, here I sit with a full confession from H. All my suspicions over the past 2 years have been confirmed. He did in fact have an affair with his co-worker. (They had worked on a big project together and he was having problems at work that had him working 80-100 hours a week for nearly a year - during which they became friends and things developed from there.) I had suspected this last year and resolved for myself at the beginning of this year that there had been at least an EA - trusting my intuition, not having it officially confirmed. <P>I decided to move on with our relationship and let go of it. We have been doing much better the past 8 months, he had been taking what I thought were huge steps in restoring trust but I was still feeling like I was living on a roller coaster - he would be fine for days and sometimes weeks then he would explode - being irritable and difficult to live with. <P>I have come to find out that in February of 2000 when he "didn't know if he could be married anymore and didn't know if he was "in love" with me anymore" he had in fact gone off and explored his feelings for her and they began a physical relationship. (this explains his lack of sexual interest at home bigtime!) Well, after the first 3 weeks of the PA - it lost its 'fire" and wasn't what he thought it was going to be. She even accompanied him on a business trip for 2 nights and then he made up an extremely elaborate lie to go out of town again only 2 weeks later - job interview - yes, in the midst of him not being sure he was going to stay married he asked me to consider moving from Pennsylvania to Ohio. Well, it was all a front - he actually went to Cleveland for the night with her - there was no interview. I had suspected that she had gone on the 2 trips and asked him but of course he lied at the time. Well by mid-March, after the 2 trips he finally woke up and couldn't believe the situation he had gotten himself into. He felt trapped. He felt she had the power to destroy his life, which he had brought on himself and now didn't know what to do - his solution....see her off and on for the past 16 months - in order to keep her from carrying through with her threats to contact me and have him fired (she is his boss's assistant). They didn't even "date" during that time - I don't know if she is stupid or what - they had lunch here and there and then she would pressure him for sex which would be a quickie and only every couple weeks - she actually viewed this as a relationship! He said he couldn't make love to me because he would feel too guilty and couldn't bear to face me. He said that there was even a time when the went 3 months without being together because she had gone on vacation a few weeks and he was able to make excuses. Then the pressure would start again and she would expect him to come over. (This was the reason for the roller coaster in our home - he would be fine in between encounters and then be extremely stressed when they occured.) He says the fear of losing me and our children, our home, his job, and his family and friends is what kept him seeing her. He says he hates what she has been doing and now hate her and can't believe that he ever thought he could love her. He said he never stopped loving me and had lied to everyone includng himself. He finally got to the point where he couldn't deal with it anymore and decided the only way he could end it would be to tell me. <P>We still don't know if we will be facing him losing his job. We are in process of finding him another. She is furious and we are nervous what she is going to do. She now knows that I know everything which has really taken the wind out of her sails. (He told me on Tues Aug 14th - the day after our 10th anniversary - OUCH!)<P>There has been no contact between him and her since then without my awareness. She has called and left about 30 voicemails and approx a dozen emails. He is relieved not to be lying any longer and says he has no desire to contact her. She is demanding answers to what is going on with him. After a threat to appear in person at our house over the weekend, I conceded to a phone call which i listened to the entire time. He made it quite clear that he doesn't have any feelings for her and wants her out of his life. She definitely didn't like what she heard.<P>H has been at my full disposal and I have been able to ask any and all questions and get complete and honest answers - quite a few of which have been extremely painful. He is not defensive at all which is a 180 degree change from this time last year when he denied anything had happened. I feel like he is the man I knew before all this. He is being kind, loving, gentle, patient. <P>We have decided to work on restoring our marriage and trust. There is an awfully long road ahead of us. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes for however long it takes. He even requested for us to go to counseling! <P>I offered for him to walk away from our marriage the night he confessed. He would have full access to our children and we would be amicable financially. I told him I only want him if he wants to be here. He said that he definitely wants to have a life with me if I will have him. he is very remorseful and I feel he is genuine. <P>I am afraid to feel hopeful. Are we on the right track? <P>I tried to be very detailed but if anyone needs any questions answered in order to offer advice, please don't hesitate to ask. I really want this to work. Thank you so very much for your time

Hi,<P>I have been in almost the same position as you (confession, listening to the "end it" call, etc. I hope I can offer some advice on what you should do without sounding bossy.<P>At the moment, you probably feel you are coping well with his confession, you're glad he's being open with you, he is sharing, caring and committed. This is the way it was for me. There was a kind of euphoria at being the one he chose. And now you feel you could forgive him anything...maybe you can. But just in case you can't...here's my story.<P>For me, that good feeling wore off, and I was angry, suspicious, and I found it hard to forgive and trust my husband. I don't want to dampen things for you; pre-warned is pre-armed. I wasn't warned...I blew it with those negative things.<P>We would get on well for a time, both using Plan A, and then I'd get thinking about it all, and it would escalate, and then I'd have to ask some other stupid question. Let me tell you, he got SOOOO sick of this. After six months of this roller coaster, I had to do something...I was getting to be an emotional wreck, and I could sense my h drawing away.<P>I thought really hard about it, and I decided that if I could honestly in my heart forgive him and trust him again, it would take a huge weight from my shoulders and was bound to improve the relationship. So, I just chose to stop all the rough stuff, forgive him and trust him, and really let him know this, as well as Plan A at the same time.<P>Well I did, but it was too late. He told me he didn't want the marriage two days later. He's been gone for six weeks...and I'm pretty certain there's another affair.<P>Why am I telling you this? The quicker you can deal with and overcome your bad feelings, learn to forgive him, and trust him again...the better you will be in your own heart, and also the relationship won't keep getting weighed down with his past baggage.<P>As for the two of you, spend a lot of time Plan A'ing each other, take time for yourselves, read, maybe get counselling to help build the strength of your marriage.<P>I hope I helped.<P>Nina (usually post on D/D)

Hi,<P>I have been in almost the same position as you (confession, listening to the "end it" call, etc. I hope I can offer some advice on what you should do without sounding bossy.<P>At the moment, you probably feel you are coping well with his confession, you're glad he's being open with you, he is sharing, caring and committed. This is the way it was for me. There was a kind of euphoria at being the one he chose. And now you feel you could forgive him anything...maybe you can. But just in case you can't...here's my story.<P>For me, that good feeling wore off, and I was angry, suspicious, and I found it hard to forgive and trust my husband. I don't want to dampen things for you; pre-warned is pre-armed. I wasn't warned...I blew it with those negative things.<P>We would get on well for a time, both using Plan A, and then I'd get thinking about it all, and it would escalate, and then I'd have to ask some other stupid question. Let me tell you, he got SOOOO sick of this. After six months of this roller coaster, I had to do something...I was getting to be an emotional wreck, and I could sense my h drawing away.<P>I thought really hard about it, and I decided that if I could honestly in my heart forgive him and trust him again, it would take a huge weight from my shoulders and was bound to improve the relationship. So, I just chose to stop all the rough stuff, forgive him and trust him, and really let him know this, as well as Plan A at the same time.<P>Well I did, but it was too late. He told me he didn't want the marriage two days later. He's been gone for six weeks...and I'm pretty certain there's another affair.<P>Why am I telling you this? The quicker you can deal with and overcome your bad feelings, learn to forgive him, and trust him again...the better you will be in your own heart, and also the relationship won't keep getting weighed down with his past baggage.<P>As for the two of you, spend a lot of time Plan A'ing each other, take time for yourselves, read, maybe get counselling to help build the strength of your marriage.<P>I hope I helped.<P>Nina (usually post on D/D)

Nina - Thank you soooo much for your kind and thoughtful advice. I can see what you mean completely. I agree and have been working on dealing with my feelings. I have been able to control LB thus far and we both really hope that we will come out of this stronger than ever. I am so very very sorry for your situation. I hope you are able to find resolution and peace.<P>Pam

Seek,<P>I am sorry to hear about your situation. I had to post because I suspected my W had an A for 4 years before I got confirmation, funny how much more it hurts to get confirmation even though you were pretty sure about the A before. <P>I am glad to hear that your H is willing to work with you. I can understand your questions about the A, I have to ask my W some difficult questions too, I just need to know. It takes a while to get over this so don't let anyone tell you your taking to long, unless a year in a half from now you still can't stop thinking about it for more than an hour. Or, at least I hope that won't be me. <P>It has been 2 months from d-day for us and we are well on the way to recovery. My questions have slowed to every three days or so, and I can say I can go almost a whole day without thinking about it now. My wife has been totally supportive, and is willing to answer any questions or talk about anything, I couldn't thank her enough. I don't think I could go through this without her support. I hope your H is totaly behind you.<P>Just remember this is probably just as hard on your H as it is on you, so don't rag on him about it, try to be understanding and don't stay angry at him. This is hard to do, but you both have to get over this not just you. I feel I am past the anger, but the trust issue is something that is going to take time, and my W understands this.<P>You are on the right track. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? This would be very helpful. You and your H should get into counseling as well.<BR>Keep a positive attitude, you can get through this.E<BR>

SEM~<P>Thanks so much for your post - I found it very reassuring. <P>It really is amazing how much it hurts even though I "knew" all along.<P>Thanks so much for recommending the book - I am ordering it today.<P>I hope everything is working out for you. Thanks for sharing your experience on this extremely difficult road named "Recovery".<P> <p>[This message has been edited by Seekingadviceandhope (edited August 24, 2001).]