Basically, to make a long story short, I decided NOT to continue an affair before it was too late with another married woman (I too am married). In other words, after many emails and conversations in the past few weeks, we recently discovered and discussed how much we felt for each other. When it came time to decide what we were going to do about it, we made the decision to stop before it started. Thus, we never had sex, never really hung out together (since realizing how we felt), etc. Our feelings are very strong, and it hurts right now and I miss her. We decided to try not to even see or speak to each other for a while.<P>Then, since I was totally depressed, though confident I was making the 'right' decision, I found this site and read a few articles -- namely the one about withdrawal (explains my depression and desire to contact even still)... Here's my problem. Though I agree that honesty is key, nothing has really happened, so though I am going to tell my wife that I have had thoughts of other people, and tell her why, what emotions need more attention, discuss what we need to work on, etc., I don't think she needs to know exactly who. Not so I can keep it alive, but so as not to ruin her outside life... See, it is someone she knows who is a tangenial part of a close group of her friends -- thus, she can't stop hanging out with her unless she tells her friends or just stops seeing them or leaves me at home (we do everything together). Besides, I am also friends with all of them... <P>The two of us have decided to avoid any encounters for a while, and I see now from the article 3 weeks usually is enough to temper the withdrawal and depression. Fine, but my question is what happens after that usually. Will I ever be able to be in the same room with this other woman, even if we wait a few weeks and I build back my love for my wife in that time? Or is it true that I should NEVER see her again. I believe through old relationships that I suffered after a break-up, that after about 6 months I could run into them again and not feel anything tremendously emotional... I pray for that day with her, but right now I would explode if I saw her. I don't want to ruin a lot of friendships over something that didn't happen, and also (maybe this is a rationalization), because nothing happened, and because I think I have a pretty good relationship at home, maybe the attraction wont be as strong and will wear off faster and easier than I hope for.<P>OK, so I didnt make the long story short...<P>Thanks for reading

You're out of the frying pan, but be careful that you don't jump into the fire. By removing yourself from this woman for three weeks, you may fan the flames of attraction between the two of you, and at the end of the three weeks, you may find yourself in a hotel, regretting your decision.<P>Am I saying to keep seeing each other? No! But sometimes exposure of an affair (be it emotional or physical) can help prevent it from re-occuring, or in your case, coming to fruition.<P>I do agree that others do not need to know. It only makes it harder. This is between you and her. But since the other woman is a mutual friend, there certainly is some difficulty here. You did come to your senses, though, and Oh God, how much I wish that my wife did the same before she went all the way. Your wife should appreciate how much you value your marriage by exhibiting this control and concern.<P>You've got to completely cut off contact with this woman. We know it's hard. We see it every day of our lives. But if you don't, you are just opening yourself to the danger of growing this relationsip beyond your control. Your fog is much thinner than most. Have your talk with your wife, tell her how serious it was, and then get the both of you in counseling to help figure out why this distance has been created between you.<P>Good luck, man, and keep posting here. You'll learn all you need to know to keep you strong and make your marriage everything you and your wife want it to be!

lbs,<P>Ahh but something did happen, you discovered that not only do you have an unfullfilled need in your relationship with your wife, you found that the need has the potential of being met by another woman. <P>so do you brush it under the rug, or do you have an honest and open conversation about it with the woman who you are relying on to meet those needs.<P>is it fair to your W that she is unaware of the fact that your needs arnt being met? How exactly can you convey the levity of the situation without disclosing the facts? Lie some more? <P>doesnt sound to me like a good plan at all. what are the facts as you see them? here is what i got,<P>you discovered that you havent been diligent in your honesty to your wife, and that because of that you have unmet needs that create a vunerability in your marriage that you wish to eliminate.<P>you now this to be true because while you failed to detect in immediatly someone esle, another woman was begining to meet those need. Luckily you were paying enough attention to the reality of the situation to end it before it became something uncontrollable.<P>now you have a responsibility to be open and honest about the levity of what exist in your marriage so that you can give your wife a real opportunity to be the one who meets those needs.<P>What is at risk in being honest? is there more to the story? by being dishonest about what happened you put yourself in a position to have to be dishonest about why your working on the marriage, one lie leading to another, its simply not a good plan.<P>I wish i had been man enough during the pre-A days to have been honest with my wife, if she had choose to not meet my needs, that honesty would have given me the honor of leaving before i had done such a disasterous thing. <P>beleive me, its better to be honest.<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

Luckybutsad,<BR>I hope you will order the book His Needs/Her Needs to have when you talk with your wife. You and her can go thru the book together and learn to make your marriage strong again so you won't want to look for someone else to meet the needs that aren't being met at home. Please be prepared for her to react strongly and she may even want to know who the woman was the you felt such a strong attraction to.<P>check out the bookstore here and get whatever books you think will help you and her find your way back to putting all the passion and love you felt before into your marriage.<BR>My prayers are with you.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

LuckybutSad,<P>Let me tell you from a BS position, and a woman who knows what it feels like to be humiliated. My H had multiple one-night stands, two of which I recently found out who they were - both I knew. For a woman to find out that her H not only had an affair (in your case an emotional affair) is one thing, but to then find out that her H had so little respect for her that he brought her around this person without her knowledge is EXTREMELY TRAUMATIC! If you don't tell your wife now, and she finds out later, maybe even years later, she will resent you for allowing her to associate with that person without the full knowledge of what was happening - it basically would make her feel like a fool!<P>Please let her know who the person is. Let her be the one to decide how to cut all ties. Yes, you must never see this woman again. Let your wife decide how this is to be accomplished with your "friendship" problem. Give her the respect she deserves. Chances are that she may confront this OW, and the OW may decide to step out of the "clique". Who knows? But you owe it to your wife to be honest with her, and please let her grieve, let her be angry, let her be sad, and don't get angry with her for her feelings. You may not have had a physical affair, but in some cases what you have done may be worse because you have an emotional attachment that your wife thought only she had. So, please, be prepared for her emotions, and let her have them - all the while sharing with her what you want to do to keep this from happening again. <P>I really wish I had this luxury...<P>God bless you!<BR>TIG