Hi everyone,<P>Thank you all for your input from the last 2 days. I just wanted to give an update, and maybe hear some encouraging thoughts to keep me motivated and on the straight and narrow.<P>I moved back in with my wife on monday. And, on the advice of the MB recovery pages, I told my wife why it had been so hard for me to come home... but a day late. I came clean: I finally told her that it had been extremely difficult for me to end the affair I had going on, but I finally did it 3 weeks ago. I had lied originally when I had said it had ended in the springtime. I apologized and told her why it was so hard to end, and why it scared me so much to tell her so. I felt scared to tell her, but I did feel better that I did-- a sense of relief, I guess. I find it really hard not to be a coward when I speak to her, but overall my intentions are good.<P>She was very pissed, she vented and yelled and then went out, and then calmed down and came back home. She told me that now she does not trust me anymore and that she doesn't even like me anymore and that I will have to work extremely hard to convince her that I should stay to make it work.<P>I have trouble in my current state coming up with reasons for her to take me back. I mean, I'm trying really hard, but heck, I am plainly an a**hole and a jerk.<P>After a few hours I tried to put the baby to sleep and I had a terrible time... she wailed and wailed and finally I broke down and started crying myself. My wife took the baby and I went away to sleep on the couch. When she came to talk to me, I balled my eyes out... the stress of coming home, the difficulty with the baby, the yelling, the coming clean, the ending of the affair, all hit me at once.<P>Later, she calmed me down a bit, and patted my arm, and told me to be a f***ing man already. I am trying... i just feel really broken down.<P>Today, I guess I am looking for a pat on the back or something. My strength is very low and my emotions are all screwy. I need to fight the urge to just run away.<P>What have other people done to improve their self esteem? How do I begin to speak to my wife again? How do you build up the strength to speak and be completely honest and know that I might get thrown out on my ear for it?<P>Any advice?<P>Thank you, you are all very understanding, and I appreciate all your responses (and criticizm).<P>-Venizio<BR>

Hi V,<P>Gonna do something very different with you this time. I shared your previous post with my H who is the WS and having a difficult time himself. He seemed to zero in on your comments about 'never loving your W',etc. I am going to ask him to reply to you. <P>You are new here, if he does it will be his first. No guarantees mind you. My H is an intelligent man but shy about giving his opinion to others and he feels I may have ruined his reputation here at MB. We are all anonimus here so he can come here and not identify himself as my H. I think it would be a good interchange for the both of you. <P>My H also felt he did not love me. The pull from this particular OW is very strong. The last 3 minute phone call is taking a toll on our marriage. Still I feel he may be able to share and learn along with you. H is at work and I will share this with him when he gets in. Again no promises. <P>It is good that you are here, keep working hard. Many of us wish our spouses would put forth the effort you have to recover. Can you let your wife know about this place? <P>L. <BR>

venizio,<P>Just wanted to say how much I admire your courage and strength. You did something wrong and instead of running you faced it like a man. Your self esteem will return eventually knowing that you did the right thing in the end. It's naturally a little bruised right now because you are seeing the consequences of your actions. You messed up but you faced it head on and are taking full responsibility. It might hurt facing her anger and pain for a while but that is the price and you have already dealt with the hardest part. It's all uphill from here since you got the truth out there. <P>I have nothing but admiration and respect for you, venizio. Hang in there, it can only get better from here on out, and at least you know now you are man enough to handle most anything. You rock!<P>Dana

Hi Venizio,<P>Self esteem is gained by doing esteemable things. So the converse is true for loss of self esteem.<P>You lost it by having the affair. You'll regain it by doing the honorable thing, and making amends to your wife and family.<P>Sadly, I think you are in a minority of men who have the courage to come clean and come home. So congratulations, you are on Day 3 of being a good man.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

venizio,<BR>I, too, am a WS. Only difference is I'm the W. One think I think is very important in the beginning of trying to recover a marriage, is to make your wife understand why the A happened. Try to explain to her what you got from the OW and what you were missing in your marriage.<P>Of course, this is touchy and you must be sensitive about it. You can't say, "You were being a b_itch and OW listened to me" or "You gained 30 pounds and OW was fit and attractive." You have to find a way to be truthful and tactful at the same time. But truly, I think that recovery can't begin until an understanding has been reached about why the A happened in the first place. I read in your post that you have a new baby. Was this possibly an issue? Were you afraid of how the child would affect your life, and did you and your W grow apart during the pregancy as she focused on the baby? Not trying to put words in your mouth, but some things to think about.<P>Calla

Hi calla,<P>I guess the baby was partially responsible for the breakdown, but let me explain to you my thoughts on the overall downturn.<P>When I first met my wife, we were very good friends and we lived in a crappy little apartment where we basically spent all our leisure time together. As our relationship grew we got married, bought a house and continued to live together. I think we found a new financial freedom and comfort level so we both started ignoring each other and doing our 'own things'-- for me it was being out and doing active things, while she preferred watching TV and relaxing. I found this terribly frustrating, and I found it very frustrating trying to get her to change her lifestyle so that she would do more with me. At some point, we both decided it was appropriate for us to have a baby, so we did.<P>As the pregnancy progressed, I became more and more frustrated with the whole process. I realized my life was changing in a way I was likely unprepared for (you know, it takes a year to get a driver's license, but any fool with a moment to spare can make a kid on a whim). I had reservations before about children, but I didn't voice them, because I thought everything would be great, maybe i just had cold feet.<P>As it turned out, I became terrified of my new life. It was more like frostbitten feet. I hated envisioning a 5, 10 and 40 year plan. It was all mapped out before me. I wanted to escape-- very very bad!!! <P>2 coincidences occurred at this point. Headhunters started calling me up to inquire if I was interested in jobs in California... with huge salaries and my dream career. I was star struck and I seriously considered just driving away one day. The other thing that happened was I met a young woman, full of energy, life and zest who was taken completely by me and pursued me to no end. <P>It took me forever to break off the affair (even though it was long distance) but the pain was still there. Now I am trying to find happiness in my new life. I did enough damage to it that it is in near shambles, but I realized I could not live with myself if I just walked out like a coward. Walking out on my wife ruined all self-esteeem I had, so I knew the only way to feel good, and the only way that I would be able to face my kids one day, was to say, yes I gave it a real honest-to-goodness effort.<P>Right now, I don't know what will happen. It is too early to say. I can say that my wife is probably the most understanding woman on the planet and I have a lot of respect for her, because she is willing to work out all of our problems. I will give it a fair shot. I just have this bad feeling... I'm afraid that nothing will really change (I *still* want a different lifestyle) and the hurt will all come back -- but I guess if it happens... we will mutually separate as friends. I am not approaching it that way, it is just a bad feeling I get sometimes.<P>I feel better today. You're all helping me much. I am focussing on the positive.<P>-Venizio<p>[This message has been edited by venizio (edited August 24, 2001).]

Way to GO!!!!!! <P>I have one suggestion introduce your wife to this website, so that she can begin working on her faults. While you work on your faults. <P>I'm so teary eyed!!!!!!<P>Everyone here at MB is rooting for you!!!

Venizio,<P>I am glad to see you did the right thing. It is normal for you to have reservations about your marriage, but trust me. If you are COMPLETELY HONEST about your feelings, don't hold anything back with regard to what you want and expect from her, your marriage will be better than you could have ever imagined. You will find a love in her that you never thought possible. Please try to be understanding with her frustration and her pain. This is like death - her heart is broken and the marriage she thought she had died. Now it is time to rebuild a new and better one.<P>Introduce her to the principles here. Get her to come online so she can vent to us, and she won't have to vent to you so much. You can vent here, too.<P>Feeling the way I do about my H right now, it's nice to see a man do the right thing.<P>TIG