As I too am going through severe marital problems I do ask myself, "Why do I wan´t to save my marriage". Do I really love my wife even though she apparently loves another man? Do I need to be married and comfortable? Or is it the most powerful reason that being to save my family. The biggest and clearest rational I seem to come up with is that if I did not have a family and the life that goes with it, I would tell my wife to have a nice life with her new love and I would completely forget about her and move on. It´s that simple and sad.

Hey, welcome. I'm sorry you found yourself in a situation where you need this website. We have all been/are where you are right now. I ask that question almost daily. Also, am I afraid of what life would be for me and my kids without my H? There are all kinds of questions/reasons why I want my marriage to work, but are any of them worth the pain and anger we feel. I know that I'm still hanging in for love of a man who's really lost and confused right now. He's treating me like CRAP and we're told to continue to love them into wanting to come back. It's really, really hard. Especially when they love someone else. But that love isn't real. It's a fantasy that they and the OP have created to make themselves feel good. I gotta believe that one day it will all come crashing down on them. I know that for me 16 years is a long time to be with someone for me to give up after 6 months of my H's A. We are here for you. We know your pain, frustration, anger, resentment. Please read and post as needed. Have you read Surviving An Affair? It's helpful. I'm going to read it again for a refresher on why we're all doing this again! Good luck and God bless you.

[Hi - I'm only 7 months into this and ask myself this question frequently. Frankly, the thought of being on my own is sooo painful. Why is that? I think I need to ponder that one a bit more. To stay in this kind of environment where I feel like I can't trust anything anymore is agony. My H has rented a room for Sept 1st, but now seems to be hesitating on following through. I have maintained the position that if he truly wants to work for our marriage, I'm in...however after rediscovering the A 6 months after D-day, and all of the supposed "work" we were doing, I need to see much more effort from my H. He has ended the A on OW's voice mail and she has received a letter from both of us. That being done, I am still left with such a haunting feeling that they are deceiving me again - how can I believe otherwise? Will I ever be able to? I am trying my best a plan A, but as others have said, this is really hard. We have 2 kids, 6 and 9, and I am so torn about what's best for them - Mom in a healthier environment, or an "intact" family wracked with deception. I'm off to work - feels like a down day. Your question really struck a chord with me this morning - any words of encouragement are most appreciated

I'm asking myself the same question... I'm 27, have a successful career, a house, I'm fairly good looking (or at least average) and I can put two or three thoughts together, and probably could easily find a new wife that is wonderful. So why am I desparately trying to save a marriage in which my wife isn't even in love with me, doesn't cook for me, doesn't want sex with me, doesn't want to even hold hands, and sleeps with another man that she is madly in love with?<P>I guess I am just an old-fashioned romantic who still believes in love and commitment and all that nonsense that people don't seem to care about anymore. I love my wife. Even if I found someone new, I will always love my wife. I will never love anyone as I love her. <P>So I try, and try harder. And maybe someday I'll give up, but this is not that day. <P>So do I want to save my marriage? No, but I can't help it. I love her too much to give it up.

Hi, rich. I know the question all too well myself. I ask myself this at least once a day - which is better than once per hour - which happens some days .<P>I love this link. I re-read it from time to time. YOu may like it too. It's a similar thread to yours. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010136.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010136.html</A> <P>But basically, I love my H. I want to be married. I want to be married to him. And I'm willing to forgive and move past this for a better life together.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 24, 2001).]

I understand where you are coming from. I too wanted so desperately to save my marriage and family. Unfortunenty I have been unable to do so. Why do we do it? Personally, Ive been with this woman for 15ys, two kids and I love her. There was a time I could have forgiven her. She just lied too much, even when confronted with the evidence. She refused to "work on " our marriage_What exactly does that mean was her respone. Refused to go to marriage counseling. Told me she didnt feel like putting any effort into our marriage. Wanted to remain friends w/ the O/M and was not about to be accountable for where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. She would remain together for the kids and financial reasons only. Not only did she break my heart but I felt that 15Yrs of my life had been wasted. I tried the Plan A stuff but I dont have the will power or desire to be treated like crap for months or years. I tried for 3-4 months but it got unbearable. The nicer I was the more she disrespected and lied to me. Do I still love her?Im not sure. I would give anything to have my marriage and family back again. Am I willing to work to save it you bet. However, I can not do it myself. I guess my point is we do it because we love them. I also think we are somewhat affraid of life alone. Its a scarry world out there especially when you feel rejected, unloved, your self-esteem is at a low point, and your world as you know it has been turned upside down/inside out.

Ive asked myself that same question soooo much over the last 14 months, ive wondered how much more pain i can take.<BR>I have days when i think go on then be with her and find out its not what you thought and then the next day im a sobbing mess and i know i just love my H with all my heart and soul and i cant give up on 26 years and thats why i put up with it and will untill he decides who he wants, me our kids and our life or OW her kids and a new life and at the end of the day nobody can say i didint try and the same can be said for everyone here WE DO ALL WE CAN FOR LOVE.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

Your right about that lizzle. It is damn hard to watch the person you love love someone else. I got to the point I couldnt take it any more. I believe my W/S will be the one that causes the most destruction in her life. I can get up everyday and look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I could to save my marriage. She didnt have to if she didnt want to. Whatever was missing in our marriage doesnt justify what she did. I still dont know what happened to cause this. She can only tell me its nothing I did or didnt do. Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weakness. I now try to live by the motto-carpe diem-sieze the day.

Hi Austin i think sometimes its ego not something missing from marriage my H had A because of lack of sex that i can understand and take full blame for after that i realised how much i loved him and set out to do all i could to make him happy, dressed up and looked good at all times, was loving and sexy and he said he was so happy i thought i had it all then 3 months later OW makes a play for him and bang hes at it again how do you fight that and this time hes in love!!!<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else