Excellent discussion from thoughtful posters. Thanks. This is good food for thought.

In the early days after D-Day (and before I found and embraced this place) I made all of the common mistakes. I remember WW saying in MC (at one of the few times she was actually engaged) "You don't get to tell me what to feel."


I know that I am strong. I don't know that I am that strong.

I want to be married to my W. I believe that when she wakes up, she will see what she has done and recognize what I have done. But if given the choice that I could have W back but would forever wonder whether she would rather have something else, I think I would pass. Maybe, however, I say this because I am confident in who I am and know that I can find someone else (and that maybe this means my own recovery is well underway).

SD ~

It does not take strength of will to let go of the need to control my spouse's feelings. It is simply a choice I made and follow through on.

Once I really truely made that choice - Oh! What a relief, what a sense of peace, and calm! I do not have any desire to go back to the half-crazed woman that I once was!


Now here is the hard part for ME to write, because I know how much what I am about to write just plain sucks.

You can't always get what you want.

There is no guarantee that your wife will wake up and no guarantee that when she does that she will choose to come home. Plan A gives her something to come home to, and Plan B protects your love for her so that there is the strongest possible chance for your marriage. But in the end, you and I have zero control over the outcome of our spouses' decisions.

YOU will be a better person on the other side of this, regardless of the outcome.


Well I think yes, recognition that the end of your life is not immiment if she never comes home is a good indication that you are moving along nicely.

However, I do not sit around wondering if my husband wants something else. I know by his actions - his transparent lifestyle, his steps to meet my emotional needds, and willingness to participate in POJA that he wants this marriage.

Now...let me tell ya...neither of us were in love when we decided to recover. Neither of us FELT like it.

We both deliberately chose to recover our marriage and then followed through with our actions.

My need to control his feelings, my need to be RIGHT was such that my husband used to HIDE what he felt so I would not tear him down and beat him up or make him feel guilty for not feeling what I thought he should.

It built walls between us SD. It wasn't a good thing AT ALL. I guess what made it easier for me to do it was that I had to learn that my feelings were not facts. I learned that my feelings may change wildly from moment to moment and that to live a calm and peaceful life, I needed to deliberately choose my life, rather than live a life of emotional reactions. Do I take emotions into consideration? Absolutely. They factor in, they just no longer get the deciding vote. Once I figured out how to do that for myself, it was easier to let go and let my husband do the same! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I respected his right to his feelings and recognized that a momentary feeling is NOT a fact.

While it was hard to do this initially, it is not hard now. My life is so much less complicated and I have time to worry about things like, how are my kids doing in school, and how is my sister in law adjusting to her new baby and does she need help?

I have time to LIVE my own life when I mind my own business and don't try to impose MY sense of what is correct on everyone else.

BR:

Saying the words "THANK YOU" does not sufficiently express the amount of APPRECIATION that I have for you.

You among others have made such a difference in my life.

Yesterday I was pondering why I stick around MBers.

It's because I don't want to miss out on continued opportunities for PERSONAL GROWTH. Your wisdom has contributed so much in helping me to become a better PERSON.

I have walked in your shoes of SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS and now FEEL FREE, happy and content to focus on MYSELF..the only one that I CAN CONTROL.

Hi mimi ~ you don't have to say thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I agree, there is no way to express thank you in a big enough, significant enough way to the people who showed us a better way to live.

All that you or I can do is pass it on to those who want to hear it and choose to listen.

Helping others helps me, and I am sure it does the same for you too - thats why we are here. =)

EXACTLY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with the 'letting go of control' stuff. No problems there anymore. I had a lot of control issues after the initial A; it is a knee jerk response. Come home or else sort of things. I couldn't accept that WH HAD CHANGED.

I have learned about my 'fence' of boundaries. When WH came home, I set my boundaries. I said, NO OW...he didn't agree, so the consequence was no life with me. HE is free, I do not hold him, there is no cage. He has always been free as I have. I had the illusion of control. Even with MB, it takes time to truly understand this. You'll have to forgive those of us who are a bit slow on the uptake.

I DO have one control issue, protecting my son. I think most mothers and fathers can understand this one.

absolutely!

SDGuy,

This "Feeling" of being second best is on your side of the fence. I've seen some guys on here go on for a long time about this insecure feeling. It's really tough making others responsible for your feelings of security....ever

YOU are God's #1 choice for your WW. You are His perfect gift for her. No OM in the world can replace you. If your WW (or then FWW) doesn't realize this that is her problem.

Think how much easier your potential recovery will be IF you totally wipe out the so-called requirement you set out above.

Further, by behaving and internalizing that YOU are in such #1 position, gives you the confidence and self-assuredness to ACT like you are number 1. Your WW (or then FWW's) feelings should eventually follow your actions. Women are ATTRACTED to confidence. You lead her feelings to respect and love by your behaving/acting accordingly (including self-love). FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS (the action here being YOU love, respect, admire yourself).

OM can't compete with you. She can pin for the relationship. Fantisize that "if only things were different and I weren't married things would have worked out with OM". But it's not reality. Reality IS you are her man.

Regardless...YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - So instead of saying "I'm not willing to live feeling like 2nd best" you simply say "I refuse to stay in a loveless marriage...forever". It puts you BOTH in a loveless marriage that you BOTH, individually and together need to work on to fix or not...in time. Your individual work continues regardless.

I'm pretty sure that I know this and believe this and am working toward this. I recognize that the wondering is about me--on my side of the fence. I can and intend to get to a place where I don't have to worry about that, and sometimes I feel like I am already there.

On the roller coaster, however, I find it easy to lose track of things that I know and believe and am working toward, so thanks again for the insights.