I am really having a difficult time, I realize that this is just beginning for me, but I don't think I am strong enough to keep living like this, I need some peace of mind. Even though I just recently started with MB, and planA I guess you could say I have been PlanA since last year, when my H started saying he was not happy I didn't know about A until a month ago. I did everything to make it work back last year and he just became more distant this past month has been very difficult for me and my children I have been M and F to them and its just not fair to them especially, I am tired now and don't know if I can fight for this marriage anymore and feel that I need to move on. He has no respect for me and the kids, he stays out at work or so he says all day allnight and I'm supposed to sit back and not say anything because its LB,I give all of you credit for sticking with all this. Yes I want my marriage to work but he doesn't so whats the point? I need to move on. H came home from work again early am and left yesterday morning another 24hr. shift come on, any cops out there you all don't work 24 hrs. I mean I am not stupid, I am supposed to not say anything to him and let come and go as he pleases and what about the kids they should be his frist priorty and they are not they seem last to him. And they keep ? me about why he is never home and my kids are at tough ages my boys are 12 and 15 and my D is 9, My kids need him and he is just not there for them. I am considering getting a lawyer and starting seperation proceedings maybe that would knock some sense into him I don't understand his logic. I am really confused and depressed can anyone give advice???? Sally

Sounds like it is time for Plan B, Sally. The whole point of following a good Plan A, with a quick Plan B is to keep some of the love for your husband intact. <P> Nobody can plan a forever. And, nobody should have to either.<BR>If you feel your love is running dry, move to plan b. <P> I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Stay strong.<P> jd

Sally...<P>What kind of support systems, other than this board, have you developed for yourself? <P>That is what I see missing in your post....YOU....you must take care of you....<P>While plan a and plan b have certain ways that you deal with your spouse, a common thread is the 'protection' you start to build for yourself by changing and becoming stronger....<P>At the beginning of this journey, I was devastated...depressed...I cried all the time...I COULD SEE NO HOPE....my H has done nothing to change this for me....that was my job...<P>Create those protections around yourself...create that support system...figure out what is allowing you to be 'weak', why it is happening and start to change that part of you....(are you plugged in to a good therapist?) <P>Become strong SS....(it may draw your WS to you...that is a common side effect....)<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Thanks for your replys so fast, to answer your ? as far as support systems other than this board, my family, my Brother especially he went thru this also,so he has been a big help. And you are so right justplaincali I have not been taking care of myself and thinking of myself I am not sure I know how. I do feel stronger in certain areas of my life but I still feel like I need him to take care of me, you see my parents were D so I have a fear of being without him. How do I figure out what is making me weak? I guess I need to go for therapy no I haven't gone yet but have many times before for other reasons. I guess I sound like a real weak person.

Not weak at all Sally. Just confused and hurting very much.

Hi Sally sorry to read you are so down today, cant give advice as i feel much the same but im damned if im gonna give up and let OW rip my family apart, i know it hurts like hell but we may win in the end and if we dont its our H loss.<BR>Big hugs <P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

Hi lizzle, thanks for your reply, I wish I felt strong enough to say I won't let OW rip my family apart, but right now I feel so weak and just want to give up. It's so depressing day after day and knowing the day will be the same as every other with him. I miss him I miss what we had but it feels like that is so long ago. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow I only got about 2 hrs. sleep last night. thank you for all your caring, I hope you are feeling better. Big Hugs to you to. Sally

Sally,<P>Wow...for a minute there I thought I was reading one of my old posts from last year! My situation last year and your situation now are very much alike. I knew there was something wrong with my marriage and my H., I found MB in the early stages and Plan A'd for six months before finding out about the affair.<P>Let me just say this, if I had it to do all over again, I would have immediately gotten H. out of the house upon D-day and started Plan B. That is my suggestion to you. I would also advise you to counsel with Dr. Harley for at least one session so he can give you a good game plan to follow. He helped me tremendously!<P>Is the affair still happening that you know of? Is your H. sorry or remorseful?<P>Let me tell you, (and I don't want to get flamed for this either) I know how frustrating it is to do Plan A when your spouse is not appreciative of your efforts. Looking back on my troubled Plan A, I can now say that my H. knew what Plan A was about and manipulated it to his benefit. Cops are sometimes known to be manipulative. My H. also faked depression so I would leave him alone and let him do his own thing so he could carry on with his affair. He claimed he was driving around until all hours of the night because he considered it to be "his therapy". I can also tell you from experience that when H. refused to leave our home I implemented Plan B while we were still in the same house (Dr. Harley DOES NOT recommend that) and H. hated it, probably because he was no longer in control. Cops and control seem to go hand in hand.<P>So I say get him out of the house, implement Plan B immediately, and counsel with Dr. Harley!!!!<P>Plan B is one of the hardest things to think about doing, but you will have alot of peace once you finally do it! Plan B should allow you to let go of him (you'll feel so much better when you do) and to concentrate on you and your children. If the kids are having a hard time, consider counseling for them! <P>Good luck!! My thoughts are with you!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited August 25, 2001).]

Sally...<P>When this first happened to me...that was also my fear...my parents were divorced and it wasn't pretty...even after 20-some years, they still have a hard time being civil...<P>I DO NOT WANT TO BE DIVORCED...but...<P>as I have gotten stronger, I still don't want it, but I know I will survive...and that I will thrive NO MATTER WHAT!<P>That is the key...get the help you need and change so that you will thrive and be stronger no matter which way it goes...<P>DO IT FOR YOU! <P>BTW...as my H and I have had talks over the past months...one of his 'complaints' is that I didn't take care of myself...he didn't like being married to a 'martyr.' <P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>