Dear Sad And Lonely,<P>Unlike some others, I appreciate your posts. They have given me great insight into what my H's feelings may be and have also provided me with insight into why my actions may produce certain reactions.<P>I read your post to Elad about love. I have no idea whether this will be helpful to you. However, I would like to try.<P>My H and I have been married for 16 years. We are both 42 and have 3 children. Our oldest son is 12, our daughter is 10 and our youngest son is 8. They are beautiful, wonderful children, and we both love them deeply.<P>I have practiced law full-time for 18 years, and am a partner in my firm. I am in the process of withdrawing from my firm. I now realize that I have had bouts with depression for a very long time - attempting to be the perfect wife, perfect mother and perfect career woman is simply impossible.<P>My H is a good, handsome and wonderful man. With my financial support to our family in the early years of his business (so that he could reinvest most of his earnings into the business), he has become a very successful businessman. Although we are different, we make a good team. Unfortunately, we both had issues from our childhood which made us both sorely lacking in self-esteem.<P>We both seemed, on the surface, to be very secure and strong. We weren't. When we married, one of the reasons I married him was his confidence, and one of the reasons he married me was mine.<P>Then came babies and life. My H was no longer the center of my universe, and he withdrew into his work. My mother was critical, so the mental habit I learned was to be critical. He needed me to be the responsible parent, so I assumed that role. I began to resent that role. Why did I always have to be the responsible one? The more I resented, the more critical and judgmental I became.<P>Six years ago I felt my life was nothing but constant work. Giving to my H, my family and my work exhausted me. By this time, my H and I spent almost no time alone together. I had a MLC, and a person I now see as a predator provided me with an escape.<P>When I told my H things like "I hate my life" and asked him to do things with me that were fun, he told me to grow up. He also told me that going out was waste of time unless it was related to some business objective.<P>Neither one of us were really communicating. We both expected each other to read the other's mind. If you love me you would know what I need and want - right?<P>I didn't know until recently that he resented the fact that, at that time, I made more money and seemed to have a better professional life. Until recently, I didn't know that we were both in a struggle to gain control of ourselves and our lives.<P>My H did not want to talk to me or do anything with me. Conversation and recreation are two of my most important needs. The OM provided both. Although I did not want a PA and knew it was wrong, I did. I justified it by blaming my H and told myself that I gave so much to others with nothing in return, I deserved to make myself happy.<P>It was, without doubt, the worst mistake of my life. At the time, I actually wondered, is this my soulmate, did I marry the wrong person, this must be love, because it feels so good - makes me feel alive for the first time in a long time. I felt so free. I thought, I can get out of this crummy marriage if I want to. When the A was discovered, I was not honest about how I felt or what happened. I ended the A, intitially because of our children, because I was embarrassed and because I still loved my H. The fantasy, escape ended.<P>Recently, after finding this site, I have come clean. I am sure that for my H, the new facts make it seem like it happened yesterday. Now that 6 years have passed, I realize that he wasn't my soulmate, that it wasn't love and feel as though it was just a long bad dream that happened to someone else. <P>After the A ended, I continued to blame my H. We did not get counseling, and did not really address our problems.<P>I did not understand then that we both have problems with self esteem. I did not understand then how my critical comments, judgmental behavior and angry outbursts affected my H. He did not understand how his critical comments, judgmental behavior and angry outbursts affected me. We did not understand that we both shared a fear of abandonment and rejection. I did not understand that when I am critical or angry, it makes my H want to run. He did not understand that when he is critical or angry, I want to get to the bottom of the problem and thus unmercilessly pursued him.<P>Fast forward 5 years. My H has never really forgiven me and has learned the mental habit of blaming my A whenever things are not going well. I, now consumed with guilt, and never having really addressed the problems (and without understanding it) am in a cycle of depression.<P>I turned to one of my partners at work (EA only) who listened to me. I also turned to alcohol. My H turned to alcohol and a 26 year-old-employee. All the while, things seemed "normal" at home. We just both continued to resent each other for failing to be able to read each other's minds.<P>By this time, I felt I was my H's last priortity. I resented his work and all of the other things he enjoyed, because he was not giving me anything of himself. He resented me for "demanding" anything from him, and I will admit, that is what I did, demand.<P>He felt that the OW was a partner in his work (while did nothing but resent it), provided admiration (while I did nothing but critisize) and provided a HUGE BOOST TO HIS EGO (she was young). She, however, did begin to demand as well. The OW was a confused, self-absorbed, mixed up woman who seemed to be strong. However, my H did not see that at the time.<P>She was also in an unhappy marriage. They became "friends" by trashing their spouses. They flirted and drew each other in. It was exciting. The fear of being caught, the electricity of the new attraction and the escape into a fantasy world made it impossible to stop.<P>As best I can determine, the OW had been married for about 2 years and had a two-year-old daughter. She felt her H was not ambitious enough. He moved out of state in the Spring, after the EA with my H began. She refused to go with him. I think my H was her exit affair. My H made her feel strong enough to make it on her own. <P>My H has stated that when she came into his office and announced, after thier PA began, that she had filed for a divorce, it "scared the h!!! out of him." I understand. This is about fantasy. Prop up a relationship with problems by finding a third leg to the stool. However, don't try to replace the other two legs. <P>During this time, my H convinced himself that I was to blame for all of the problems in our marriage. His EA likely began soon after she started working with my H about 2 years ago. The PA began sometime in the Spring of 2000 and lasted until August 2000. Sometime in August 2000, she told him that she would not be number 2. He ran away, and ran back to our family.<P>During that time he was verbally abusive. I did not understand and sank into a deeper depression.<P>On September 14, 2000, we went to our first MC session. At that time, I believed all of our problems were my H's fault. He still cannot understand how I could have felt that way. The MC asked him if he had had an A. It was a question he had not expected, and he was not really ready to admit it.<P>So, he admitted an affair, the one-night stand he had with someone other than the OW in February 2000. However, he confused the stories, and it did not make sense to me. I, with my mind trained in logic, tried to make sense of it all. I couldn't, so I obsessed.<P>With the help of the MC I engaged in something similar to Plan A. However, because she was not direct enough in telling me how detrimental my critical statements and disrespectful judgments were, they continued.<P>I did gain valuable insight about my MLC issues. I also was able to begin to see things in a different way. I learned to appreciate my H for who he was, not what I wanted him to be. I learned to see the things he did for me and our family in a different way and appreciated them.<P>At the beginning of this process, I was needy and clingy. I also believed it was not fair that I should have do all of the work of healing. <P>I then addressed my fears of abandonment and rejection, and began to understand for the first time in my life, why I felt the way I did about myself.<P>As I addressed those fears, my self-esteem grew, and I was able, for the first time in my life to love. I loved not for what I expected in return, but because for the first time I could love myself. For the first time in my life, I could love myself as being imperfect.<P>When I made that breakthrough, loving myself as an imperfect human being, I learned that love really is being able to put your own selfish interests aside and caring more about the person you love than yourself. Love means that although the words and actions hurt, deeply, you can understand why the words are said and the actions are done. Love means making the decision that no matter how hurtful it may be to you, you will be willing to try to "see" the other side. Love also means giving when you don't especially feel like giving. The act of giving love makes love grow.<P>I regret I did not learn this lesson earlier, but I didn't. We both had a need to be right, to be perfect, to absolve ourselves of blame.<P>Understanding where you and your marriage got off track is useful as a tool to get it back on track. However, blame is simply a defense mechanism to protect yourself from accepting responsibility for your own poor choices.<P>I no longer "blame" my H for my mistakes. When I accepted the responsibility for my mistakes, I was able to forgive myself and learn to love myself, for the first time, as an imperfect human being. Until I could begin to love myself, I could not begin to love my H, as he deserves to be loved. I am hopeful that my H will begin to accept responsibility for his mistakes, learn the role that the experiences before he met me have colored his impression of our marriage and learn to love himself.<P>I fully understand the control issues. Please see my post in Bramblerose's tread.<P>I just hope that soon you will be able to give your wife the understanding that you expect from her. She loves you. Love just is. It changes. As you gain understanding about the way you both feel, you will be able to love each other, not because of history, habit or need, but because you have finally begun to be honest with each other without the fear of retribution.<P>I guess the bottom line is please try to give your wife a break. My H and I have both experienced the "rage" that a polarized relationship causes. It is ugly and undermined us both. <P>Try to see her point of view as you ask her to see yours. Show her you are willing to give your marriage a chance, no matter how abused your have felt, and I will bet she will respond.<P>What is the state of my marriage? I am not sure yet. I found this site late in the game. I am still not completely in control of the mental habit of angry outbursts and critical statements, and I must say neither is my H. In addition, my H is in the mental habit of blaming in order to justify his actions, just as I did for far too long.<P>It has only been 22 days of no contact for my H (if you are interested you can search my name for my posts about how that happened). I asked him today how he felt, and he replied that it gets easier each day.<P>My H is probably in a different place than you may be. She rejected him, and he was able to see what a confused person she is. He, in other words, was able to begin to see her as she really is, a person with both good qualities and bad. I don't think you have had that opportunity. Therefore, you see only the good.<P>As best I can tell from your posts, you cannot see the good in your wife, only the bad. I understand. However, the "choice" of love is to see both the good and the bad in both yourself and your spouse. The choice of love is to forgive both yourself and your spouse for the mistakes you have both made. The reason love is a decision is that you have to decide to put aside your justifications and see things from the other person's point of view.<P>Your wife is in a great deal of pain. Can you put aside your justifications and help her? If you do, you will feel both better about yourself and about her. You will be better able to understand the trauma she is enduring. Remember, I have been on both sides of this fence. The BS side is much, much, much more painful. You have had your self-esteem boosted by someone who you think you love and who loves you. Who does your wife have now? She has someone who believes your marriage is dead, who believes he is in love with someone else, who believes he is justified in reacting the way he does. If you are really going to give your marriage a try, please try to develope some compassion for your wife. <P>Love is a choice. You may choose to ignore the part you played in the failure of your marriage or you can contiunue to blame your wife. The reality is that you both played a part. Until you take responsibility for your part, end your fantasy with the OW and give to your marriage, you will not understand love.<P>Just my opinion.<P>Newwoman <P>

I read this because I enjoy the times when you respond to me...you have such encouragement and insight for me...now I understand why...<P>our stories are so similar...<P>I am vulnerable for an EA/PA right now...and though Jeffers has said the difference is that I am aware of the destruction one would cause, I wasn't sure I cared...<P>My H has been the only one in my life and he has had many women before me and now one after me...<P>I feel like I have cheated myself in some way...<P>But, that's not it...it is as you said...I have been so angry and frustrated and so has he....<P>Isn't it hard to understand this and have to wait and hope and pray that our H's will come to a similar understanding and want to rebuild our marriages and relationships....I want to hook him up to an "IV" of knowledge ...<P>Thanks for your insight...it is invaluable.<P>Cali<P>PS...You and your H would enjoy Ruiz's book "The Mastery of Love."<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Dear Cali,<P>I have read your posts so often and wondered how you are able to be so strong and so wise. I didn't know the truth about my H's A until it was essentially over. Just knowing they were still in contact almost drove me crazy.<P>I was not a typical WS. I did not use most of the WS script. The truth is, I still wanted my H and my marriage. Most of all I wanted my H's attention. For awhile, after he learned of the A, I got his attention. But because we did not really solve our problems, they continued.<P>I am thankful for a second chance now. I am thankful that I have had an opportunity to learn about myself and my H. I cannot tell you how much I hope that your H will give you that chance. I will tell you that it is obvious, if he doesn't, it is his very real loss.<P>With my love,<P>Newwoman

So Sad And Lonely, no thoughts, no response? I am disappointed.<P>Newwoman

give me time, give me time, it is something I think about alot

Dear Sad N Lonely,<P>I had some additional thoughts. Let me know what you think.<P>I read "Emotional Alchemy - How the Mind can Heal the Heart" by Tara Bennett - Coleman in March, just before my H moved out for 3 weeks. It is not a "relationship" book and has nothing to do with infidelity. It does, however, explore subconsious mental habits, learned in childhood and used as defense mechanisms throughout life.<P>During my A, I had the mental habit of blaming my H to protect me from accepting the responsibility for my actions. Because of that mental habit, he could do nothing right. I convinced myself that our marriage was dead and that he did not care at all about me. I convinced myself of these things in order to justify my own conduct. He, now, has done the same.<P>When he did care after the discovery of my A, I was surprised. At first, I felt like a possession. He followed the OM to work and punched him - established his territory. I did not feel valued for myself. I felt my H just didn't want anyone else to have me. To tell you the truth, at that time, I felt all men were selfish creatures who used women.<P>As my H showed me he wanted me, not that he just didn't want someone else to have me, our relationship improved - for awhile. However, because neither of us understood ourselves or each other, we did not "solve" our problems.<P>Since my H's A began, he has struggled with the mental habit of "blaming" me for everything that is wrong in his life, for anything that doesn't go his way. I understand. I did the same thing. However, it is abusive, and only the person employing the mental habit has the ability to stop it.<P>You cannot "feel" love while the mental habit remains. That is why, in my opinion, the MB method works. The BS changes his/her behavior so that the mental habit is challenged. You cannot continue to "hate" someone for behavior that they no longer engage in.<P>However, it is also my opinion that love is more complicated than simply removing the obstacles to love - the mental habits that you erect to protect yourself. I believe that in order to fully love someone else, you must be able to love yourself.<P>Depending upon your family of origin and your childhood experiences, you may be more or less inclined to love yourself. However, until you do love yourself, you will not really experience love with someone else.<P>Why does any BS continue to love when their husbands or wives have caused so much pain? It may initially be fear of abandonment or rejection. However, when that fear becomes a reality, when they are abandoned or rejected, why continue? Their love banks are almost depleted, why continue to attempt to regain love?<P>You have read the posts. There are people here who have given up everything we know to be fair and just because they love their husbands or wives. Those people have put aside their selfish interests and made a choice to love. They have decided that no matter what incredible pain has been heaped upon them, they will endure.<P>That choice - the choice to love - is an incredible gift - to both the person giving and the person receiving that gift. It is a choice to forgive the past and embrace the future. Will you make that choice?<P>Newwoman<P>

newwoman, I intend to post more on this topic, it is crucial (at least to me). I am lost, I admit it. I have lived with one woman for 28 years, I care about her alot, she is the mother of our children, she is not a bad person, has a lot of good qualities.... But do I love her? I don't know. There has only been one other woman who has ever touched my heart, I do not give myself lightly, because indeed, I do love myself. Do I love her? I don't know, I know I feel something very powerful, and I am unwilling to blow it off as poor little Joseph, someone was just nice to him. What would that make me? Someone who uses people, that is what it would make me. Just another self-serving a****** who took advantage of someone for his own needs. Someone who hasn't a clue to who he is, or any ability to discern truth. Ya know, if feelings mean nothing, are just animal responses to pavlovian conditioning, I don't think I really want to be married to anyone.<P>So what to do. Well have posted what I am doing and why. But I have pretty well concluded love is not a decision, nor is it a feeling....it is both. One can find love either way, and neither way is complete without the other. I have also concluded love is a synergy, it does not work unless both are enthusiastic. And lastly love is the opposite of control, it does not work unless you let yourself be completely vulnerable, something most of us find very hard to do.<P>I also have observed people in general havn't a clue why they do anything, and that (IMO) most so-called love is more about need, fear, compeitition, control, and quid pro quo. They live their lives reactively, rather than proactively, according to the programming of their FOO, their culture, and their peers. I am no different, but I have come to realize I know nothing about love, marriage, bonding, and I intend to remedy that. I am not going to just "do it", but I am not gonna run either, I will try "doing it" but it will have to make sense sometime. My wife knows this, is only fair she does, so she can decide what she wants to do to, so I "DON'T" control her.<P>I don't like much being in this place(in my life). It is confusing, feels dangerous. People want things from me, wife, children, family, community, church, they all have their own agendas, even the folks here just want to see marriages restored. No one really cares if the marriage is right for the people, just "do" it. And I am for sure no one is all that interested in what I want, the whole world knows what is best for me, I am just in a fog, how could I possibly know what is good for me. And that IMO is what fog is about, discounting the feelings of the ws. Pulling em back whether it is good for em or not. Why should we (anyone) stay married newwoman, (if they are not passionate about it) can you tell me that?

Dear Sad N Lonely,<P>I just saw your reply. It deserves a thoughtful response. Unfortunately, I am unable to give you that response right now because of my other obligations. I will, however, post to you later today or this evening.<P>Newwoman

New Woman,<P>Your post shows that you are indeed a "new woman". I am wondering how you acquired all of this insight. Is it primarily a result of your marriage counseling?<P>You situation sounds very similar to the problems my husband and I had. We swept them under a rug for about 13 years and finally after much destruction decided to try and address the problems and change our behaviors.<P>We have been in recovery for almost 2 years now with both individual and joint counseling (finally graduated.... ) "Learning to love yourself" was one of the most important things I learned in these past 2 years. My image of myself, regardless of my looks, did not command that my husband value me. It has changed the way I relate to everyone in ALL my relationships.<P>I am especially interested in your journey to this point and how you discovered the insights you have made.

SnL, the last paragraph of your post really touched me.<P>I agree with your thought process. I think its good and healthy to consider your approach.<P>And you are very right about how many agendas people have. And most of them are about restoring the marriage regardless. That can be very disappointing. It feels as if your voice is not being heard. IMO, especially here, there seems to be a rush for commitment. Its not acceptable for a WS to "waffle" or "fence sit". Regardless of how long that process takes, isn't it better for the RIGHT decision to be made? And only you know what is right for you.

SnL,<P>The short answer or the long answer from me? Yes this is the short reply.. longer if you'd like. No interpetation really ... just read. Fume later.<P>Hebrews, chapter 13<BR><B>God Hates Divorce</B><P>4: Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous. <P>Matthew, chapter 19<BR><B>God Loves the Marriage between a husband and wife from the beginning.</B><P>1: Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan; <P>2: and large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. <P>3: And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, <B>"Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?"</B> <P>4: He answered, "<B>Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female,</B> <P>5: and said, `<B>For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?</B> <P>6: <B>So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.</B>" <P>7: They said to him, "<B>Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"</B> <P>8: He said to them, "<B>For your <I>hardness of heart</I> Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. </B><P>9: And I say to you: <B>whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery." </B><P>10: The disciples said to him, "<B>If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is not expedient to marry." </B><P>11: But he said to them, "<B>Not all men can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. </B><P>12: <B>For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it." </B><P>13: Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people; <P>14: but Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." <P>15: And he laid his hands on them and went away. <P>16: And behold, one came up to him, saying, "<B>Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?"</B> <P>17: And he said to him, "<B>Why do you ask me about what is good? One there is who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." </B><P>18: He said to him, "<B>Which</B>?" And Jesus said, "<B>You shall not kill, You shall not commit <I>adultery</I>, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, </B><P>19: <B>Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." </B><P>20: The young man said to him, "All these I have observed; what do I still lack?" <P>21: Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." <P>22: When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions. <P>23: And Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly, I say to you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. <P>24: Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." <P><B>Matthew, chapter 5</B><BR><B>Adultery is sin and will condem you</B><P>27: "<B>You have heard that it was said, `You shall not commit adultery.'</B> <P>28: <B>But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.</B> <P>29: If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. <P>30: And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. <P>31: "<B>It was also said, `Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.'</B> <P>32: <B>But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.</B> <P><B>The Books of Proverbs, chapter 6</B><BR><B>Adultry creates a 'FOG' of no sense.</B><P>23: <B>For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, </B><P>24: <B>to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adventuress. </B><P>25: <B>Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes; </B><P>26: <B>for a harlot may be hired for a loaf of bread, but an <I>adulteress stalks a man's very life.</I></B> <P>27: Can a man carry fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? <P>28: Or can one walk upon hot coals and his feet not be scorched? <P>29: <B>So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; none who touches her will go unpunished. </B><P>30: Do not men despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his appetite when he is hungry? <P>31: And if he is caught, he will pay sevenfold; he will give all the goods of his house. <P>32: <B>He who commits adultery has no sense; he who does it destroys himself. </B><P>33: <B>Wounds and dishonor will he get, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. </B><P>Ephesians, chapter 5<BR><B>Adultery is Darknes, Darkness is Sin, Leave the Darkness</B><P>1: Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. <P>2: And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. <P>3: But fornication and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is fitting among saints. <P>4: Let there be no filthiness, nor silly talk, nor levity, which are not fitting; but instead let there be thanksgiving. <P>5: <B>Be sure of this, that no fornicator or impure man, or one who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. </B><P>6: <B>Let no one deceive you with empty words, for it is because of these things that the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. </B><P>7: <B>Therefore do not associate with them, </B><P>8: <B>for once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light </B><P>9: <B>(for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), </B><P>10: and try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. <P>11: <B>Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. </B><P>12: <B>For it is a shame even to speak of the things that they do in secret; </B><P>13: <B>but when anything is exposed by the light it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. </B><P>14: <B>Therefore it is said, "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light." </B><P>15: Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, <P>16: making the most of the time, because the days are evil. <P>17: Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. <P>18: And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery; but be filled with the Spirit, <P>19: addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, <P>20: always and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father. <P>21: <B>Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.</B> <P>22: <B>Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. </B><P>23: <B>For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.</B> <P>24: <B>As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. </B><P>25: <B>Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, </B><P>26: <B>that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, </B><P>27: <B>that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. </B><P>28: <B>Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. </B><P>29: <B>For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, </B><P>30: <B>because we are members of his body. </B><P>31: "<B>For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.</B>" <P>32: <B>This mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church; </B><P>33: <B>however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.</B> <P><B>1 Thessalonians, chapter 4</B><BR><B>Take your wife with Holiness and Honor</B><P>1: Finally, brethren, we beseech and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you learned from us how you ought to live and to please God, just as you are doing, you do so more and more. <P>2: For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. <P>3: <B>For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; </B><P>4: <B>that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, </B><P>5: <B>not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God;</B> <P>6: that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. <P>7: For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. <P>*********<BR>Regardless what stage the affair is in.. Take your wife as Jesus took you blemished and unholy, unpure and with sin. Jesus wrapped his loving arms around you when you became a christian SnL and accepted you with your faults and transgressions. Wrap your arms around your wife and hold her as Christ holds you. Regardless where your love is.. with God's help through Christ, this marriage will be restrored.<P>Now SnL.. I'm going to be lovingly hard on you.. but please believe me.. that it is OUT of love for which I speak to you.<P><I>I, SnL, take thee, Thinker, <BR>to be my wedded wife, <BR>knowing in my heart that you will be <BR>my constant friend, <BR>my faithful partner in life, <BR>and my one true love. <BR>On this special and holy day, <BR>I affirm to you <BR>in the presence of God and these witnesses<BR>my sacred promise to stay by your side as your faithful husband <BR>in sickness and in health, <BR>in joy and in sorrow, as well as <BR>through the good times and the bad. <BR>I further promise to love you without reservation, <BR>honor and respect you, <BR>provide for your needs as best I can, <BR>protect you from harm, <BR>comfort you in times of distress, <BR>grow with you in mind and spirit, <BR>always be open and honest with you, <BR>and cherish you for as long as we both shall live. </I><P>SnL, I know from reading your posts that your a man of your word. If your marriage has suffered in sickness, in harm and in distress, and sorrow, Thinker is still the loving wife that you married all those years ago. You both stood the tests of time and made precious memories to with one another. You promised her as she did you to take this journey now matter how fair the seas were or weren't. You both have endured so much over the years. A flower as beautiful as the relationship you both have shared is dwindeling before your very eyes, and only God can bring the life back to restore the fragrent love that you two shared together.. but you both have to be willing to try.<P>You are losing your wife, the flesh tears from God's hands above as you are becoming not one... but two. <P>All things are possible through him that trusts the Lord Jesus. You trust Jesus with your life and salvation, now give your marriage up to him.<P>Open your eyes, your heart and your arms.<P>Semper Fidelis (Always Faithful)<P>Yours,<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·<P>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited August 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited August 27, 2001).]