I’m just shattered. I’ve been crying all morning and can’t seem to stop. My sister is here and I haven’t told her anything. She got up and took her kids to her denominational church. I got up early, dh came home FRI night from business trip. He’ll only be here till tomorrow morning.<BR>I was on the computer this morning and he came down, went into the utility room and said “I’ll just put these clothes in the dryer while you are on the computer”. I asked him if he was being a brat, and he said “Yes, you should have been doing this right along”/ Now my house is clean. There was nothing on the counter, the table was cleaned off, and the floor is okay. There were a few dishes in the sink. Big deal. I have 3 kids…my sister has two here with her. I am so tired of trying to be perfect. He never says anything positive to me. He has skirted around the EA issue. I had asked him yesterday if he had emailed any of his women friends, and he had said, “no, I’ve been too busy working”. I then said, “Oh, it hasn’t been a real choice then”. (I mean not to call them, he just hasn’t had time..) He said, yes it was a choice, and he hasn’t had contact with them at all. Nada.<BR> Well, he still has business cards, with their names, numbers, and numerous addresses on them. I know because I put his briefcase away. He met a friend this morning before church and took our son with him. This was after the computer incident. I was so livid, I went and took the business cards out and was going to destroy them. But, I put them back. I already told him we need to talk today. I told him he has made time for friend A, friend B, obviously “Sandy, Aimee, and “Gertrude”, and he will now find time for me and talk about us and our future, and if there isn’t any future, then I need to get on with my life. He said, fine, whatever….and then walked out. I took the kids to church and met him there as he had to pick up something else from downtown which closes at noon. So I got to church and am still crying. I took the kids in, sat down next to him and nearly lost it when our pastor greeted us (Of course I have sunglasses on). So then I told him I couldn’t stay and to make sure he brought the kids home. He said okay.<BR> I am going to ask him if he will give me the business cards with the names on them so we can destroy them. (He probably has them on his laptop somewhere anyway but I don’t have access to that.) I just want to see if he will be honest with me for once. This honesty issue is very difficult for me to deal with. Maybe I have been the naïve wife for nearly 19 years, but I can’t take this lying. If he won’t give me the cards, then I will destroy them before he leaves tomorrow morning. He doesn’t know I know where they are. It will send a message to him anyway. We’ll see how our “talk” goes this afternoon. <BR> I am so confused. Maybe I need to look to myself. I have always been too independent, I guess. I just hate to see all these years I have put into this guy go to waste. I don’t feel we even make love anymore….its just sex. I don’t think he has had a PA but I showed the one letter to the only friend I have that I can confide in, and the OW’s email had said:: PS, I still love you but I guess I’m not meant to be with the one I love the most”. My friend said (she has had too much experience with a cheating, lying husband herself) that he probably did have a PA then. I just started shaking. I think I need to call the Dr. tomorrow and get some antidepressant pills or some anti-anxiety pills or whateve. I can’t take much more. I’m going nuts. I don’t want to be here, I don’t really want to live. I will probably have to put my kids in public school, get a job and tell him not to come back until he can make a decision. I can’t believe I’m even saying this. My sister didn’t come home yet. I have no one to talk to so that’s why I’m here. If you have any advice, please give it.<BR> I got the book “HIS NEEDS< HER NEEDS< “ and one called “Love is a Decision”. Have I been so bad in my life that I need to be a dormat to make this work? I am just so upset because most of my needs haven’t been met either and I’m just crazy in this point of time here. I wish I had time to read some more on this computer, but they will be getting back and he’ll say I was wasting time instead of making this house totally organized and spick and span. Ugh!!1 (BTW most people’s houses that I’ve been in, are ten times more untidy than mine). How long can I try to please this man? He has some excellent qualities and I do love him I think but lately he makes me a nervous wreck and I end up LB’ing. Just pray for me if nothing else, okay? I'm running out of time.<BR>

Mikkey,<P>Calm down, breathe......... you were right to come here and vent. I am going to send this post right now and then go back and edit it, just so you know I have read it and will respond to you. OK? <P>Ok, I am back. You sound as if you are on the verge of an anxiety attack. Can you lie down and rest a bit? But read this first ok? Sorry for the confusion... You need to rest but also know this.... you can not control your H's actions. There may be more hurtful stuff coming. Know this and be prepared. You will still cry for it will still hurt, but to be forwarned is to be forarmed. It will not stop how you are feeling but make the healing faster. <P>Believe me, a few more of these and you will bounce back better. Take it from a veteran. Now, when you are able. Take a calming warm bath. If you have any aromatherapy type oils, try rubbing some lavendar on your stress points, like the neck and shoulder area. Wherever you feel the tension building. Drink some camolmile tea or whatever you know works to help you calm down. <P>When you H makes a remark that hurts, you can cry for a while, show him your tears, but realize the source and don't let it hit you so hard. It is ok. He may be expressing anger at you for other things he is angry at. If so, then during a more calm moment bring that to his attention. In a gentle and calm manner. Tell him you apprciate him bringing things to you attention but could he please so it in a nicer manner since you are really hurting right now. You will listen to him but it is difficult to hear his anger without crying. That is ok to tell him. Some men find this kind of info difficult to handle but told in a gentle way, some can digest it better. <P>JMHO, will check in on you later. If you need to talk, let me know. <BR>L. <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 26, 2001).]

Hi Mikkey are you feeling a little calmer now? Hon, I know it's hard especially the lies. Please remember that you are not alone. I know sometimes it feels that way but there are alot of us sharing this journey and it's not an easy one. I keep reminding myself of that saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" everyday we are gaining strength. Sometimes I find that hard to believe but i know it to be true. Please just try and take care of you. Seeing your doctor for some anti-deps is a really good idea to help you through this. Please keep posting so we know how you're doing.Hugs and prayers, cybil

Thank you Cybil and Orchid for taking the time to write a response to my craziness. Well, we had our talk and he says he won't contact them, but didn't own up to the business cards, etc. If he doesn't want to talk about an issue, he says "Whatever" and exits. I'm feeling frustrated as I don't want to push him away, but I too, need some answers. <BR> Then when I left him off at the airport, I told him he has to truly think about what he wants, and quit lying to me because I gave him a couple of chances to come clean about having their numbers, etc. I couldn't find the cards before he left so then at the airport I told him I know for a fact that he has them and unless he decided to quit lying to me and to start being honest with me, there really is no point in contiuing our relationship because although I love him, I will not live in a relationship that has no honesty in it. I told him the trust is basically all gone and I'm on very shaky ground. I also told him that while I am working on my end (the weight) if after the 6 months he has given me, if I find he cannot be honest with me, then I simply don't want him. As difficult as that seems to me now, he has to make that choice. I don't like the situation at all, but I will not be in a relationship that has no trust or honesty. It will surely kill me and I'd end up hating him anyway.<BR> I have skimmed through "His Needs, her needs" and "Courtship after Marriage" by Zig Zigler. I don't get enough time to read everything I need to.<BR> On the lighter side, I started my girls' schooling today and things were going along fine until the older one did something not too nice, I must have fiercly frowned because the younger one popped up and said "YOU LOOK ORNERY!!!" I burst out laughing, of course. She made my day, and she was right, at that point I was, but she got me on track and with my priorities. Kids....gotta love em.<BR>Mikkey

Mikkey,<P>You sound more in 'control'.. Eh ehmmmm.... the good kind of control LOL!!! <P>More self assured, I'd say. Good. Still hurts, I know but you are able to fend for you and your children. This is important. <P>I would like to share a well worn post about the 5 stages of grieving. It really helped me in the past. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>The run of emotions you are going through is very common. Feelings of despair, seeing a little hope then to be disappointed over and over it heartwrenching. To see our children pulled into it is more than a parent can bare. Yet bare, we do and find the strength to continue in the most unusual places. Sometimes it is within ourselves, a neighbor, a song, our children, a saying or story. <P>The things that touch our Ws's can also come from unusual sources. Don't feel you have to be the only one who makes him understand. Life's lessons are all around us. Let others (those you know and those you don't), let them help you. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Your H does not have that advantage right now, but you do. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P>