Last week on two occasions, I told my wife that she was selfish, inmature, and acted more like a 17 year old vs. a 27 year old. The reason for these outbursts is b/c she got mad at me for changing the locks after I told her that I wouldn't just a week earlier. I did apologize for not telling her I was doing it, but added that I don't have keys to her place so why should she have keys to mine? After that is when I told her the above. Of course she got mad and hung up the phone on me. Then two days later she called me to help her with her car which I did. I did this very nicely BTW. When finished we had lunch and left each other. That's when I got this email.<P>G...thank you for lunch and for helping me with the truck. Not having a car would be a great deal of trouble. <P>I understand that you have been on an emotional rollercoaster--but I HAVE tried to remain calm and rational and have wanted us to talk when we are BOTH being civil. However, when I see inconsistent behavior or conflicting actions opposite of what we have talked about and agreed upon while discussing, I will not continue at that point to have discussions with you. All of these contradictions are coupled with increasing doubts. I hope you understand that. If you realize that you say and do things opposite, then the magnitude of it for me is tenfold.<P>I do mean what I say. I am trying to be straight-forward with you and I am NOT trying to be a "hard ball" about all of this stuff. I hope we can talk sometime next week. We'll see...<BR> <BR>I hope you have a good weekend. I don't know what my plans will end up being. <BR>K <P><BR>Oh yea, she called yesterday and wanted to bring our dog over to play and I declined b/c I had other plans. She might come over tonight though. <P>There is a part of me that thinks she is being nice so she can get the computer and other furniture that she wants or that she doesn't have to go through a nasty expensive seperation and D. <P>What do you all think?<BR>

GC - I think she's just like so many other WSs who can't figure out what they're doing.<P>Try not to get into a tit-for-tat contest. I know how hard it is to resist this, since they can't seem to be able to see their bizarre contradictions and hypocrisy.<P>Read my post about Condit. Like him, your wife has all her mirrors painted over.<P>WAT

I am not even sure what she meant, maybe something, maybe nothing...just stick to YOUR plan until she agrees to no contact. And WAT is right ws are confused....but I think the bs are often pretty confused and inconsistent too. It is obvious to me the lock changing thingy was a way to needle your wife, but what do I know I am just a foggy ws

Your W just told you that your words and actions have been contradictory. She may be referring to some of the smallest things. Figure out what they are, and change them. It is for your best interest and an even greater plan A.<P>However, if it is just about the changing of the locks, then that will pass over. You still need to protect yourself. Most times, whenever you do that, it will be an LB to the WS.<P>Karen

gdc,<P>What was the reason that you told her that you wouldn't change the locks for? Maybe she is tring to read between the lines for something that is not the way it seems. My W always seems to take things wrong, and we end up putting the wall up until we talk it out. This is something that she did before her A, and we have talked about her miss understanding me at times.<P>TG<BR>

I think you guys just had an ARGUMENT. We do this with our teenagers all the time. Arguments are always end up about the other person no matter how they start. Arguments are always bad things, but most people get over them.<P>As WAT observed, WSs (most people actually) don't like to be forced to look into mirrors. I think she's warning you that she can turn the discussion around any time she wants. This seems like a message to you to "cool it". <P>Do you think if you were more consistent that she would actually let you talk about her failings? <P>I know I'm overanalyzing here, but did she really say that if you were inconsistent then she gets to be ten times MORE inconsistent????? <P>--Jeffers

Yep, I think both Jeffers and WAT have it down, gdc.<P>Here's what I would do, I would back off and give her her space, be there for her if she needs you but don't push.<P>I would also reply to her email and say "I understand and thank you for the email, I appreciate it -eom-".<P>If you pull back and wait, you can bet she'll initiate contact with you, she "needs" you. <P>Best,<BR>Jo<P>

gdc,<BR>I have posted to you before since I am a former WS.<BR>And this is just my opinion, but I think you actually scared her by changing the locks. Before you did that, she must have felt that she could still go home since she had a key. Now she realizes a little bit about what it is like to be out there without that safety net. And that is a very good thing for her. So she writes to you about not being consistent in your word. this is a way for her to justify her feelings again. and to try to bluff you into doing things her way. But when in the fog, if things are done the way the WS wants, then of course, it's done all wrong.<P><BR>but you did the best thing you can do. Now if there is anything she wants from the house, she has to negotiate with you and you hold all the cards.<BR>I hope you did acknowledge her email without going into any discussion on what she has written. Because even if she doesn't realize it, she needs you very much.<BR>My prayers are with you,<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

HA,<BR>I told her I would not change the locks so she could get some things out of the house. Then I got the phone threat so I decided to change them.<P>Is this a defense mechanism to build up a wall and only she is in control?