OK - I have a couple of questions for those who have betrayed. Is this usually a decision that you knowingly make, or does it just happen? Do you ever worry about getting the OW pregnant, or getting pregnant by the OM? Or getting an STD? I read somewhere and heard on the news that 85% of people that cheat don't use protection because they fear their spouse will find the condoms or whatever and catch them that way. Is this really true, or just a statistic? And do any of you talk to your spouse about your needs not being met before you actually have the affair? <BR>I guess the reason that I'm asking is because when I think about whether or not I could ever cheat on my H, those are the things that I think about and honestly, I would never be able to do it because I would be so worried about other things, like pregnancy or STD's that getting caught would take a back seat to the rest of those fears.

Its amazing what the human mind will do at a time when your emotions are buzzing, you feel more loved than you have in ages and there is a physical or emotional attraction that is large enough to make you "risk" your relationship for an affair.<P>If you are male you might think "This isn't my wife so getting her pregnant doesn't matter" (just look at the statistics for single mothers... it happens whether its an affair or not), or you might avoid protection simply because you don't care and perhaps even "want" to give your partner an STD to get back at them (I have heard stories of someone who was betrayed going out and having an affair to get a disease to give to their partner).<P>I was in a situation where I was so infatuated that when she told me she was taking birth control I slipped up and we had unprotected sex. Normally I would *never* do this but at that time, in that place, doing what we were doing it was enough for me to lose myself.<P>As for people not using protection because they would be afraid the condoms were found... if they are that smart they would be smart enough to buy the condoms while travelling to their destination and dispose of any remains before they got home.<P>Another thought (gee... is this random enough for you) is that you do things in affairs you would never do in relationships... Have you seen the movie with Billy Crystal as a Therapist to a Mob boss? He asks the guy why he received fellatio from his "girlfriend" but would never receive it from his wife to which he replied :<P>"She kisses my children with that mouth"<P>So I am sure some people cannot see their wives/husbands as doing or wanting to do the things they can easily ask their affair partners to do...

Lost Soul -I haven't seen that Billy Crystal movie, but I really like that line. And that does make sense. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her after she had a baby, because he started seeing her as more of a Mom, then as a sexy wife. But, he cheated on her with a woman that had a child. Does that make sense? <BR>

It makes a lot of sense.<P>Imagine yourself in these shoes:<P>1) You want to try something new sexually<BR>2) You KNOW your partner will not like it<P>3) You have to LIVE with your partner after<BR> asking them to try it<P>OR<P>3) If your affair partner doesn't like it<BR> you dont have to see them tomorrow.<P><BR>Now I know this doesn't apply to all cases but it is much easier to ask someone to do something you dont think will go down well when they are not as important as your life partner.<P>I was married to a very sexually repressed wife who thought anything other than missionary was either dirty or not something two "normal" human beings should do. To suggest to her to try something sexually adventurous would have put me in the dog house for years on end... not that I was asking anything that would have hurt or humiliated her in any way... but her mind-set was one such that even mentioning it would be enough to bring the wrath of god down on my head.<P>So when I started talking to someone who was not only comfortable with me talking about these things but said they would love to be adventurous, someone who accepted what I wanted to try and not make me feel bad about it I was lured into having an affair (not saying it wasn't my fault but for me the attraction was too great).<P>Having said all that it turned out for the better in the long run because my wife and I were not suited to each other and are now both living better lives as a result... but its too late at that stage to realise you cannot talk to your partner about things.

starla,<P>To answer your questions --<P>1. Is this usually a decision that you knowingly make, or does it just happen?<BR>This was definitely not a decision I knowingly made. The OW and I were just good friends for maybe a year before I felt anything romantic for her. And when I did start to get those feelings, I was very surprised and scared.<P>2. Do you ever worry about getting the OW pregnant, or getting pregnant by the OM? Or getting an STD?<BR>This doesn't really apply to me because I never had sex with my OW. But she was on the pill. STD's are another story entirely, and I guess I would've had to ask about that. OK, wait -- in my first affair 10 years ago, I never worried or even thought about that stuff.<P>3. I read somewhere and heard on the news that 85% of people that cheat don't use protection because they fear their spouse will find the condoms or whatever and catch them that way. Is this really true, or just a statistic? <BR>My guess is that most sex that occurs during an affair is very spontaneous. There is no planning whatsoever. In my first affair 10 years ago, this was the case. And in fact, we did not use protection. Scary to think about now. I never thought about my wife finding any condoms or anything like that. It was just a matter of I never knew when the next time was gonna be, or if there even would be a next time.<P>4. do any of you talk to your spouse about your needs not being met before you actually have the affair?<BR>I never had any concept of "needs." So I never discussed anything with my wife. Also, my affair(s) always sorta snuck up on me. By the time I realized what was going on, it was too late. I didn't want to discuss anything with my wife.<P>hope this helps a little,<BR>--andy<BR>

I guess it helps a little. It's scary though. <BR>I always thought that my husband and I could talk about anything. I was never afraid to ask for anything different sexually because I thought that he loved me no matter what and asking for something different wouldn't change that. And same goes for him. <BR>So, is it an insecurity about the other person's love for you that causes you to stray? If I give my husband all my love and let him know at all times that I love him unconditionally, will that help prevent him from cheating again??

For me it was not an insecurity about whether my wife loved me or not. Rather, it was the other way around. I didn't think I loved her anymore.<P>Starla, have you and your husband filled out the emotional needs questionnaires? Or have you read His Needs Her Needs? According to Dr. Harley, your marriage will be "affair-proof" if you both learn how to fill each others most important emotional needs. Simply stating to your husband that you love him unconditionally will not prevent him from cheating. There's alot more involved.<P>--andy

The unmet needs thing is really important, I think. The one time in my life that I came close to straying, my H was suicidally depressed, unwilling to get help, and I was at the end of my rope. Somehow, I got it together to find another job, but if the potential "OM" in my case had pursued anything physical, who knows what might have happened.<P>Even now...I feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a room screaming at him about how my love bank is empty and that every time OW/"friend" comes back into our home, even over the phone, it puts a NEGATIVE escrow in -- and he just doesn't hear me.<P>It makes me glad that I have contempt for all the men I work with, that's for sure. Because if anyone would be ripe for someone who said, "YOU ARE IMPORTANT", it's me.<BR>

Starla,<P>If you're on this site (as I told LostSoul on his thread too), you're probably not going to have an affair. Because, no, most people who have affairs do not think into it with any depth. We go into it with complete tunnel vision with any number of objectives in mind. I was extremely unhappy in my marriage. So, my objective was "to be happy." I went for it, without thinking into any of the things I should have. Dumb.<P>As far as unprotected sex, I probably would have had it, but OM was careful to always use condoms. In retrospect, another theory of mine is that OM had an affair previously and was making sure this time to use a condom. Sly one! But, yeah, I was so dumb at the time, I didn't think about STD's or pregnancy.<P>Like airheart, I didn't even know about the "emotional needs" concepts, and had never heard of Dr. Harley, in particular. Oh, how I wish I had! But, yes, I did relate to my H how unhappy I was. For years, I tried to get him to open up, to show affection, to talk to me, to spend time with me, to make our marriage a priority. He refused.<P>If you are here, you won't have an affair. I know that if I had found this place first, I wouldn't have either. Be glad that you are considering the consequences. That puts you way ahead of the game and arms you with knowledge and power to never allow yourself to get into that situation.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Starla,<P>My h had an affair, and after I caught him I asked him the same questions you have. He told me that:<P>1. He could see what was happening (getting pulled into having an affair), but couldn't stop what was happening. Like a runaway train he said.<P>2. He didn't use protection, which is one of the hardest things for me to forgive because I told him that if he would ever have an affair, "make sure you protect yourself", and he didn't. Why? I don't think he knows. He knew what the consequences would be, but when you're having an affair, you're not thinking.<P>Hope that helps some!<P>Dragon

I have been having an affair on and off for the past 3yrs. It was certainly nothing I ever intended on happening and I wish to hell it hadn't happened to me bacause I don't know how to get out of this situation. Although my husband has changed his controlling ways I still find myself running to the OM whenever I can. We were friends first and he met needs my husband hadn't met since we got married! As someone else said on this thread - the sex is often spontaneous and often birth control other than the pill isn't used. The only advice I can offer is TALK, TALK, TALK with you're husband and fix the situation you're in now before you get in so deep you don't know how to get out. I want things to work out between my husband and I but have fallen in love with the OM and can't walk away from him either.