H says he can't handle the stress of me at home...he needs time to himself but is leaving the only answer? I just think he's going to never come back once he's out. I'm back at work losing it once again.

Either the stress you're causing him is because you haven't changed and you're LBing him OR it's because you're doing such a great plan A, and he sees the changes, and he's looking for some other excuse to get out. It's probably the latter reason, IMO.<P>In my experience, I found it MUCH easier when my H was out of the house (granted, I was the one who kicked him out... but he did want to go... I just made it happen a few weeks earlier than he expected).<P>You cannot change your H's feelings. They are what they are. You cannot control his actions either. He's going to do what he wants to do.<P>With that in mind, your best action is to plan A throughout this time (as usual). Tell your H that you don't want him to move out, but that you understand his need to get away for awhile. Assure him that you will help him if you can, and double, triple, quadruple assure him that you will wait for him to make a clear decision, and that he is welcome home whenever he is ready. Do not promise that he can come back when he is ready though... you still have to protect yourself. And you may find that you do not want him home at some point, unless he can prove to you significant changes. Those 'changes' can be dealt with at another time.<P>Karen<P>

Dear Topie, Thanks. I think you're right about Plan A. I don't LB and haven't in a long time. I think he's feeling guilty but is leaving the only way? I'm so devastated today and I'm trembling. I'm at work but not really in mind or spirit. I am just SO sad. We were at a friend's for dinner last night and he just acted so NORMAL. It broke my heart. We rode home in silence last night and I couldn't look at him. Help me because I really don't have the strength to get through this.

Sorry Terrified. I know exactly what you mean. My H did leave, but under the guise of wanting to work on our marriage. I found out later that he was running to someone else. He did come back home after 4 months, but I shouldn't have let him. He's not ready to work on things, just got broke in his own place. I know it's so scary, but sometimes the only way for them to see what life would be like without you (which, I believe is what they struggle so much with), he may have to leave for a while. As scary as it sounds, when my H was gone, it did give me a chance to focus on ME for a change. Since he's been home, it's been much harder for me to focus on my own needs. I've essentially been trying to get him to love me. I've wanted many times to tell him to leave again, because it's been all about him since he's come home, but I don't want to go through this all again. We're here for you to talk to whenever you need to. The fact is, if he wants to leave, you really can't stop him. Don't beg, plead or cry if you can help it. Show him strength in letting him make his decision. My prayers go out to you.

You DO have the strength to get through this. It may not be on the surface today, but it's there.<P>If your H does move out, consider it another loop de loop in the roller coaster ride. Not fun. But sometimes necessary.<P>Why is it that you are so scared of your H moving out? There have to be more than the one reason you stated. What are they? <P>Okay, so you fear that if he goes he won't come back. That is the worst case scenerio. But again, you cannot change him. He is going to do what he wants... no matter what. Your best plan of action is to help him through this in a kind and supportive manner. <P>Have you talked to him about how long he needs? He probably doesn't know the answer... but do you think he'd agree to a hotel/motel for a week or two? That is the only other alternative I can think of (unfortunately).<P>There's a horrible truth to this matter. He wants out to make it easier to be with the OW, right? He MUST see that reality to move forward. As long as he stays with you, he'll resent you, blaming YOU for keeping him from seeing her. That's not the case, we all know that... but that's part of what he'll be feeling.<P>At the same time, by you being supportive and kind to him regarding his wanting to move out.. that may be enough to shake him into reality. It can actually be a great way to plan A, especially if one of his issues with you is perceiving you to be controlling. Let him make his own decisions. Don't push him either way. Just nod and tell him you're working on understanding this need of his.<P>You are having a tough day. I am so sorry that you are going through this. But the day will be over soon enough. You'll have another day to work on tomorrow.<P>You need a few days to calm down. Be careful when you're around your H, so that you don't LB. Your H needs some space. Is there anyone you can go out with tonight or tomorrow night for a few hours? Is there anything you can do by yourself? Maybe a simple trip to the library? Do you have some shopping to do? ANYTHING that could give YOU a break from the house for a bit. It would do you wonders, IMO.<P>Karen<P><BR>

Hi Terrified,<P>You can do this Terrified. I know you can. I did it, and I'm the most emotional female on God's green earth. <P>I know how much this hurts. But if your H does leave, it may give you two a better chance at recovery. There are no guarantees. But once away he can start thinking about what he is losing. Don't be scared, try and comfort yourself by knowing others have gone thru this and have recovered and have a much better marriage because of it. It was a wake up call.<P>You will be okay. You can do this. I know your pain right now, I still experience it every so often and it hurts where there aren't words. Please be okay. We're here for you.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Thanks everyone for being there. I've never been known to be a needy person and now, look at me. I'm struggling to keep my head above water and wouldn't know what to without you guys. <P>Topie, you ask why I'm scared? I fear for my 2-year old daughter, her stability, her happiness, my and my H's stability and our family and close friends. My mother-in-law knows we're having problems and doesn't even understand to what extent. She's already devastated at the mere thought of separation. I just spoke to her on the phone and because she thinks it's me, she says, "Anything can be fixed. I'll never forgive you if you don't try." She just started to sob. I then called my H to warn him but he just kept saying, "I'm sick and tired of making others happy. I 'm going to think of my own happiness." Is that familiar?<P>Jo, I don't feel I can do this. I'm petrified at the mere thought of separation. Harley's article says there's less chance of reconciliciation after separation so it worries me. <P>I'm just so terribly sad today. It's awful.

Hi Terrified:<P>I think one of the things that most WH don't understand is that walking away is very difficult...even with OW waiting in the background eager to be your perfect "soulmate". No matter how difficult the marriage there are always some good things about it...good memories, family connections, etc...and these are the things that tie us to them...and eventually can pull them back to us. We just have to be patient and try and provide changes and incentives that make them understand that this is truly the best place for them to be....because it is...and we have to be confident of that.<P>Maybe there are things that need to change...and we can work on those...but being positive that this marriage can survive...whatever it takes...will go a long way toward giving your WH a feeling of having a safe place to come home. <P>One of you has to have faith...and right now that is you...don't let the separation scare you...it can be a good thing...it will give you time to examine the marriage more closely and decide what actually when wrong...and how to correct it...or you...if necessary.<P>I'm not sorry I asked him to leave...it was for the best...for him and for me....and I think it has worked out to be what was needed. I think if he had stayed in the home, I would never have been able to get past all the anger...we each needed time to work on our own problems separately of each other...and the conflict was killing what was left of our marriage anyway.<P>We've taken our lives apart...separated...and now we're coming together again and trying to put it all back together...on a different basis. And the separation has allowed the air to clear somewhat...so that we can each see each other in a clearer light.<P>Faye <BR>

consider yourself hugged!!!! You are in my prayers!<BR> <<<<<<xoxo>>>>>><P>Faith n Him

Your dd will be fine. You just continue to love her as much as you do. If she has any problems, it will be with her dad (although you may get some of the outlashes).<P>Be thankful that she is only 2. There's a good chance she'll forget most of what's been going on in your life lately.<P>I have a 2 yr old son. He turned 2 on May 29th... around the time that my WH and I started our reconciliation. We had been separated for 4 months, and IMO, it was the very best thing for us. I am quite certain that we'd be in the process of gearing up for divorce if H had stayed here.<P>Instead, we had some time apart. We were able to realize that yes, we COULD do it on our own, but we didn't WANT to. We found out that we don't really NEED each other to get by in everyday life, but we WANT to be with each other to share it all together.<P>Separation sure as hell wasn't easy. It was emotionally devestating for the first couple of months. But I did it. I became stronger. I am a much better person because of it. And now, both my H and I never want to go through that again. In essence, being apart made us realize how much we meant to each other, and gives us all the more incentive to work hard at keeping our marriage strong and happy.<P>"I'm sick and tired of making everyone else happy...".. oh yes, VERY familiar. You know what I discovered? I felt the same way (and still do). Somewhere in this site, Dr. Harley talks about how the marriage should come first. Then the kids (if any). And then if there is any time for anyone or anything else, then you can work on that.<P>Especially with such a young child, you should know how much you work your schedule around other people's availability. Xmas? Birthdays? other holidays? We did it too. And it was one of the factors that ruined us for a while there. We REFUSE to let it happen again. It has affected our marriage, and we won't allow it anymore. Perhaps this is something that your H may be referring to in his statement. <P>I am sorry that your MIL is treating you the way she is. Those words were very hurtful and uncalled for. But you know what? It's none of her business. She has every right to be concerned about your family, but it's YOUR family. Do what needs to be done to try and 'fix' it. Tell her about the MB principles (don't necessarily tell her about the A, b/c that could cause problems for recovery.. trust me on that one). Ask her not to interfere, but to listen (if that's what you want). <P>I do hope you're feeling better. Tomorrow (today by the time) is another day. We're all here for you. Always remember that.<P>Karen<BR>

Thanks so much your replies. I NEED all of you so very much right now. I read, re-read, read again to stay afloat, to continue to be hopeful. If I'm like this now, how will I manage when he's gone? <P>I shudder at the thought of his departure. Today was supposed to be better but it's much worse. <P>Thanks again.