For the last few weeks, I have been contemplating moving out. <P>This came to a head when my H caused a confrontation with me about my cell phone bill. Which he discovered while snooping. He told me to pack up and move. He was angry. <P>After that initial confrontation, he backed away from that position without really telling me. But the thought was stuck in my head. From reading all the MB stuff, I really felt like that was the fair thing for me to do. I have been pondering the idea and checking into things. H has known that I am, and started to say things that made me think he didn't want me to leave. He stopped the angry outbursts. Things have been quiet and fairly calm for a couple weeks. <P>Then this past Friday, he came home from work and started a conversation with me about his business. He wants me to sign an agreement that I don't claim any rights or ownership to the business in the event that we get divorced.<P>We bought this business about a year ago. Its entirely in his name. But all of my assets were used to purchase it. Along with all of the equity in our home.<P>Now I feel like I need to see an attorney this week. I don't know what else to do. I'm not going to sign anything without advice. And I guess this all means we are starting the process of negotiating our divorce. Which confuses me, because I thought he wanted this to work. We even had a joint session with Steve last week.<P>I don't know whats going on. I think I'm being Planned A'd and pushed into divorce at the same time.<P>Any advice?<BR>

Don't know what he's doing. I think you should ASK him. Just because it's calm doesn't mean there will not be a storm. I know with my ex after he found out about the affair he was civil, still around. Then he serves me with divorce papers without ever telling me they were coming. As far as signing over the business, you should not do that without contacting an attorney.

Dear Lexxy:<P>Under no circumstances sign this paper (also see an attorney to determine your rights). Morally legally and ethically part of this business is yours. Enough of the non MB stuff.<P>Do you think he is reacting this way because of what he is reading from you? He may be reading your ambivalence about working on the M and reacting to it.<P>I'm sorry I don't know all your story. I would talk about this at your next counselling session with Steve. I'm sorry I cannot be of more help.<P>My best to you and yours.

Lexxy - did he actually show you an agreement to sign, or was he just talking about it? If it's just talk please wait before seeing an attorney. The first one to see a lawyer is taking a big step toward ending the marriage. If he shows you a written agreement later on, you can decline to sign it and find a lawyer at that time. Absolutely, don't sign anything like that without legal advice.<P>I think the MB principles and the forum advice is that you should transition from plan A to plan B while things are still relatively good. That is, when plan A has been a success; the BS has eliminated LBs and been able to demonstrate some positive changes. Plan B is not supposed to be a "punishment". There may not be any advance warning. If I went to a plan B (or even plan D), I'm sure it would seem sudden to my wife. But I think it's coming. <P>Before I exit plan A, I would need to find out some good legal information about custody in my specific situation. Your H might be thinking along these lines regarding the business. Although you have a lot invested in this, (and BTW, were they "your assets" separate from the marriage?), it sounds like your H is putting in the time and has the emotional involvment in the business. Would it fall apart if you separated?<P>This is just a guess. He might be seriously considering plan B, especially if the two of you just spoke with Steve last week. It's hard to believe he wants plan D immediately after starting the counseling. I first spoke with Steve when I was running out of gas with plan A, and found it to be a shot in the arm.<P>There is a good thread on "misapplication of plan A" over in the plan A/plan B forum. This is a consuming question for a BS in plan A - when should it end?<P>- Tom

Thanks Tom --<P>Basically we started our marriage with nothing at all.<BR>We married young.<P>Now, 16 years later we have a lot more. I've had a good career and have always been the major breadwinner.<P>The money for the business came from my 401K and the equity in our home. I'd consider both of those to be joint assets. I don't think its "fair" to ask me to relinquish all rights.<P>At this point he does not have a document for me to sign. I think he was testing the waters so to speak on my willingness to sign.<P>Any other thoughts for me?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B><BR>This came to a head when my H caused a confrontation with me about my cell phone bill. Which he discovered while snooping. He told me to pack up and move. He was angry....<P>Any advice?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, what exactly did he find in your cell phone bill? (I can venture a guess, but I'd rather hear it from you). ??<P>AGG

I've posted about that confrontation on another thread,<BR>but basically he discovered phone calls to OM. I had not been truthful about our contact.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B><BR>I don't know whats going on. I think I'm being Planned A'd and pushed into divorce at the same time.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, given your clarification in your last post (that he found continuing contact with OM, despite your assurances to the contrary), it is pretty clear what's going on. At least from my perspective as a BS who has been in the same shoes as your H (d-day exactly one year ago today ).<P>He <B>is</B> trying to Plan A you, but seeing that you are continuing your lies (not to mention the contact with OM), he is feeling such unbearable pain that he is looking for ways to end the pain. As most fence-sitting WS's, you are unwilling to help him, which you could easily do by either ending contact with OM or getting divorced. Instead, you are accepting his Plan A, while continuing contact with OM and voicing displeasure whenever your H's Plan A fails to meet your expectations. Your H cannot do anything to get you off the fence, so he is flailing between trying his best to Plan A you (hoping to get you off the fence onto his side) and getting rid of you (divorce) hoping that the pain will go away when you do... Unfortunately, divorce is not what he wants, so he keeps going back to hoping to "win you back" with his Plan A. <P>This probably makes you think that his efforts are manipulative, controlling, or pathetic, and you discuss this with the OM, who agrees with you completely, thus depositing even more units into your Love Bank. Your H feels your distance and irritability after your contact with OM, and gets angry when his suspicions about your lies are confirmed with the cell phone bill. So he jumps back into the divorce mode, but divorce is not what he wants, so he goes back into Plan A.<P>I am not trying to make you feel bad, Lexxxy. I am simply trying to give you some insight into your H's head, especially having been in your H's position. Living with someone on the fence, and trying to Plan A them during continued contact with an OP, is not an easy life...<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited August 27, 2001).]