Would someone please respond.......In January my H revealed to me that he no longer was sure that I was his soulmate. This occurred after a very minor disagreement and needless to say I was quite shocked and devastated. Our 14 1/2 years together had some issues like all but nothing I had considered threatening to our relationship. This scared/shocked me into action. I read SH book, His Needs/Her Needs and posed some questions to my H on what I was doing that caused him such hurt/pain. I also asked him what I was not doing that was causing him pain/hurt. Based on his feedback, I immediately implemented changes in every aspect of my life. I kept our home nearly spotless all the time even with 3 boys (14, 9, 2) and full time employed my self. I also made personal changes, I tried to approach him intimately but he wouldn't have anything to do with me at all. He hasn't touched me since the first week of Feb. He can't stand for me to try and touch him anyway sexually. So, about Memorial Day, I knew in my heart he had to be involved with someone else so I started examining every aspect of his life. The big secret was the use of his cell phone. Seemed every time the bill came, it conveniently would disappear. Finally I was able to retrieve his password and went on line and printed a copy of his bill. Several hundred calls a month to a woman who works for him. They work together on second shift at an auto manufacturing plant. She is one of his team members. Freshly divorced. He told me they were just good friends (yeah, right) Good friends, why do you call her before work, after work, on weekends, vacation, first thing in the morning when you wake up....come on....He still to this day will not admit that they have had a PA. He still denies it... I explained to him that in order for him to continue to live at our home would require that he have no further cell phone contact with her at all and to limit his contact with her at work to work related issues.... He agreed and he stayed at home....Well, when it was time for the next cell phone bill to come, he changed his password to his account which was a sure red flag to me that he had been calling her again and sure enough, he had and we faught and I let him stay - repeat - same conditions - well guess what, it happened a third time (I know all of you think I am totally stupid for putting up with this) This time though I did pack his clothes, have them waiting for him on the front porch and did make him actually leave. We had a huge fight and he was in shock that I made him leave. I am the bad guy, I threw him out on the streets with no place to go. Guess who he immedialtely called? OW and talked to her on the way to the hotel where he spent the morning sleeping. He called me and we meet and we agreed that he could come home if he agreed to the three conditions again (boy, this really looks stupid on my part when you write it down and you can see what a push over you have been) 1. stop calling her 2. transfer to a new job as soon as possible 3. Could not play fantasy football (she is in the same league) Well, two Sunday nights ago, the fantasy football league had their mock draft and he had told me he would not participate in the draft. No need because he was not playing.... It was to start at 11:00pm that night....I went to bed. He sleeps in our guest room away from me.....I awoke at 1:30am and decided I would check and see if he participated in the mock draft. YES, not only did he participate but he and OW had a private chat room conversation part of which I was able to read...it went something like this.....<BR>OW: ok<BR>H: dont run the batteries down<BR>OW: im not gonna really, just wanted to give you a visual image<BR>OW: mayby i will ya never know<BR>H: maybe i will have a good dream<BR>OW: i will see u tomorrow<BR>H: good night....luv ya<BR>OW: luv u too bye bye<BR>H: bye<P>Well, anyway I blew up, I went upstairs woke him up and slapped him (open handed)(I know I shouldn't have hit him and violence has never been a part of my life, for the record, he has never hit me. I am ashamed of the fact that I allowed myself to do this) across his face and we had a terrible fight. all night long. I called OW, asked her if she still had her dildo stuck up her pus....? and other things... Very bad night but at least he could no longer tell me they were "just very good friends" I had proof of at least a sexual fantasy, phone/computer sex, EA. I still think they have been together but he won't admit it to me. How can you talk to people you see everyday like this and not have sex with them? I just don't see it. Anyway, now this past week, he told me that he told her it was over between them and that he wasn't going through with playing fantasy football (this has been extremely hard for him....he is a sports nut and he has not been willing to give this up even though he knows how much pain it will cause me knowing that she is in the league and that they could have private chats anytime and I sure can't monitor him....) So last night the league had their real draft and he didn't participate but got up this morning and told me he is sick and tired of me trying to rule/run/ his life and he is going to move out. Says I am trying to control his every move and he can't take it any longer, I am driving him crasy. Says he is under suspicion every time he goes to work early, comes home late, uses the computer, uses his cell phone, he is sick of it. What I was trying to do is what SH recommend in his book, total separation from the OW.....The only part of his life I am trying to get him to change are the areas that involve her. Yes, I understand his job is a big one but they are currently spending 10 hours together every night. He spent the day looking for an apartment. Came home right before work time and told me he would be home tonight. I just don't know what to do.....I am so confused myself....I don't want him to go because I think when the WS moves out it just gives them more free time to nuture relationship with OW. Please someone who has been through this tell what I need to do.....I already know that I am not going to bother him about some things he has told me he has taken care of. (ending relationship with OW) but really how do I know that, just trust him???? that seems crasy to me... Help me please.....<p>[This message has been edited by faith4us (edited August 27, 2001).]

faith,<P>I know this is so hard. Take a deep breath and get prepared for a long ride. Read all you can about Marriage Builders and PLAN A, PLAN A, PLAN A. Don't push too hard, this will only drive him away. I know it is so hard to see them go to work everyday with OP...my H is currently doing the same thing. No words of wisdom, but wanted to tell you your not alone.<P>Heck

Faith....has your H been taling to my H??? LOL...I read this post, and I heard myself all over again. Mine started about 2 years ago. My H got a new job, and met this girl who was going through a rough time in her marriage (physical abuse), well, she ended up divorcing him, and my H was "her friend" all along. I begged him then to give her up as a friend, because I could see that friendship becoming more.. He refused on the grounds that he has to work with her, etc.... We started having marriage problems while she was getting her divorce. I knew that something was up, but he continued to deny. In Oct, he quit his job, and we opened a business in another town. (The plan was for him to start business, and then the kids and Me to move there in a few months). In Jan., I received his cell phone bill, and 76 calls were to her, too. In the morning, late nights, for hours at a time, he even called her on Christmas morning. But he continued to deny anything until then----just friends------friends only---shes been through a rough time. Well, he had an emotional affair with her (he would not admit as much, but he knows it is true). I cant say whether anything physical happened, but probably. <P>My husband wanted a neat home, too. He also had a privacy issue. I called OW, and confronted her. Told her that my H said that they were just friends, and that we were trying to work things out. I also asked her if she were married, would she want her H to have a "friend like her" as a friend. I have been reading a lot lately, and have you heard the saying: God can move mountains, but.........you had better bring your own shovel? I took this to mean that i cannot sit by and do nothing. Maybe things have changed with them---my H is coming home more often that in months. He calls, is polite, is affectionate (most of the time). He even told me that he wasn't speaking to OW anymore. I havent asked lately. But, I can tell you that my H told someone that he would NOT quit talking to OW, just because I told him to. So, my advice is to Plan A, and pray for the OW to leave him alone---It is a long road, but things can surely change around. I have even forgiven him ( I have a hard time trusting him, but I am trying). I do not open his cell phone bill, anymore. I will say a prayer for you, and know that you will get through this-------I know....been there, done that!!!LOL<P>Keep your chin up, and God bless you<P>Faith n Him<P><P>------------------<BR>

Thank you heckofagal for responding....I am so desperate to here something from someone. I have never been so devastated in my life. I love my H very much and don't want to loose him. I know I can't help what decisions he makes right now...I just don't want to do anything to push him on out the door. He has told me that even if OW is out of picture, he is not making me any promises.....says she isn't the issue...that his feelings for me don't have anything to do with her....I don't understand that statement at all....says he doesn't love me like he should and he can't stand to be here with me any longer.....I have neglected him to long......when spouses get into messes like this, do they always blame their spouses for the whole mess........I need some encouragement.....

Thanks Fatih n Him for replying. Guess what, my H OW's husband was abusive as well and I think my H was her knight in shining armor protecting her.....My H told me that OW H was a drunk and abusive to her... Why did he have to help her and turn away from our marriage? When this happens to your relationship - how often do couples come out of this better than they were? If one spouse is not willing to work at saving the relationship, how can the other one save it? My strenght has been from God and God only....I would never have been able to survive the last 8 months of my life without God's mercy and grace....I know that God works in his own time and I know that his will be done....if that means that our relationship is to not be...I can accept that but only knowing that I have tried my very best, based on Biblical truths/guidance that's what I have to trust and believe in. My H is a non-believer and I know that this hurts my efforts as well. He doesn't like my religion or involvement with church or any of that....doesn't want anything to do with it. I still pray for him every night and pray God will work a miracle in his life. Thank you so much for your prayers and response to my posting...this is my first one and I am thankful to you. Take care, God Bless you and I will keep you in my prayers as well.....<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Hi Faith4us, My H says the same things to me that I was a horrible wife and neglected him for to long, and he doesn't love me the way he should I could go on and on . He holds so much anger toward me I don't see how we can move forward and he is the one who had the A. I just posted a? about this and got some great responses So I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I to am devasted.My H says that I to caused him so much hurt and pain,he never told me I didn't even realize I was hurting him and neglecting him, I guess I was dealing with my own issues and didn't see how much he needed me emotionally, but he was never there for me emotionally either, don't get me wrong he was a great husband and father ,thats what makes this even more devastaing,because I don't know what happened to the man I married and fell in love with he is gone right now I hope and pray he comes back I miss him so much I cry myself to sleep almost everynight. so much for communication there was none didn't realize then but I sure see it now. I have been M 18 years and have 3 wonderful kids and I have to be strong for them,So just wanted tolet you know that you have found a great place to vent everyone is very supportive, Good luck and keep us posted Love Sally

Faith....my H is not a Christian, either, but I have gotten down on my knees (in my husband's stead) and prayed for the opening of my H's eyes. I truly believe in miracles!!! Maybe you need to be in our Wednesday prayer vigil---6pm cst---see prayer request section-----in answer to your question about one spouse trying and the other one not....I have been trying from day one, and he is just now giving some.....everyday is easier, and every day God fulfills His promises to us---Do NOT give up----you will be truly rewarded!!<P>God Bless,<P>Faith n Him

Thanks Sad Sally, I have read your post tonight. My H says that I neglected him for the last 4 or 5 years that all I cared about was my job...put everyone ahead of him....never considered his feelings on anything that was going on in our lives...(how they forget they support your efforts at the time and then resent you for it) How can you do anything about something you don't know is a problem!!!! I am not a very good mind reader myself. I guess what has hurt me so bad is that he didn't tell me what he really wanted allot of the times...says now that he went along with me because he was trying to make me happy. If he was trying to make me happy, why did he allow years of resentment to build up inside of him (I knowing nothing! thinking everything is OK) and then turn to someone else..he says because in his mind "I didn't care about him anyway so what difference did it make" Just doesn't seem quite fair to me....also he now tells me that he is used up...that he tried for so long with no response from me that he is now used up and doesn't have any feelings left for me..........Thanks for your response and support....you are in my prayers....all of you are in my prayers.....

Thank you Faith n Him.....Tonight is the first time I have posted...I have been reading your posts for awhile and wish I had joined in sooner...maybe I wouldn't have made some mistakes in recent weeks....It is so reassuring to know that others share your pain and can help you...I really appreciate the friends I have already made tonight....I have God's peace which sustains me but when you can here from someone here going through simuliar circumstances, it helps! and Yes, I will join in the prayer sessions on Wednesday nights....look forward to that...I think God has lead me to this site for the support, strength, and guidance I am getting. Thanks again to all who have responded to my need. <P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

my H also stored up resentment (last 3-4 years). I swear I never knew either. I am not a mind reader, and when he made it perfectly clear (EA), I responded, but he told me that it was too late. He had been trying, and i hadn't so he felt dead inside. He told me that OW was not the problem, and I have since learned that is true (hard as it is to believe). The OW is not our problem, but she doesn't help matters by being "a friend". I recently read that a marriage will NOT work until all contact with OP is over!! I believe that. Most of the time I felt that he was just keeping both of us (in case the other doesn't work out). That hurts alot!! I have since forgiven him (through the grace of God), because I couldn't go on with that much resentment and pain holding me down. It is truly a miracle that so much has been lifted off of me since I chosen to forgive H. God tells us to forgive so that we will be forgiven. I know what you are going through, and I am so sorry that anyone has to have that pain, ever......I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies!!! I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow, and one other thing---I started praying and thanking God for the healing of my marriage (months ago). It has only been recently that I have seen change, but i know my time is not God's. Hugs and a peaceful sleep to you and your family. You are in my prayers, tonight!!<P>Faith n Him

today was a little better...still lots of tension....I can tell he doesn't want me to do anything for him personaly...is this normal for WS's? Doesn't like for me to pack his lunch or make dinner for him.....must feel guilty because he doesn't care anything about me...I really don't know if he is going to follow through with his plans to move out or not...says he is not in contact with OW other than what is necessary at work...I really don't know...how do you learn to stop obsessing with this all of your waking hours? I can hardly stay focused well enough to work...it is very hard right now.....does anyone have any advice on what to do to make the days easier? I am deperate for some direction/suggestions....<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us