Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted...early October 2000, right after the D was final on 10/4. Sorry to feel that I can just jump right back in but...<P>My XW has had a change of heart...again (see next to last paragraph in this post); she's pursuing a new job (she currently works with the OM) and plans on moving out of the OM's house ASAP. They've had several 'falling outs' and I guess the last straw must have hit a couple of weeks ago because she gave me the run down of the problems in their relationship, her unhappiness with him, etc., etc., etc. -- I was on the opposite end of that conversation in March of 2000.<P>Anyway, she simply does not (and will not with the new job) make enough money to even think about moving out on her own. I've offered to give her back the two monthly child support checks she sends me to help her out, but that still won't get her over the top; she's about a year away from getting an engineering degree whereas she could afford to do this on her own.<BR>The counselor I was seeing told me to absolutely not let her move back into my house until she's out on her own for at least six months, and I agree. But, what do you do when your X has apparently seen the light but can't financially support themself? She hasn't asked to move back in with the girls and I (and I haven't offered), but I'd really like for us to try to work on our relationship again.<P>The biggest kicker is that she did this to me in February 2001 -- she was positive she wanted to move back in but didn't know how to tell him, blah blah blah. I think it was more insincere at that time than it seems to be now, but I don't want to get hurt again....there's no reason for me to trust her.<P>She says she wants to do it right this time (finding her own place, being self-sustaining, etc.). So, my question is: What stance do I take? Any comments, suggestions, etc. are greatly appreciated.<P>thanks,<BR>Theo<P>

hi Theo,<P>It has been a long time. I read your post over on D/D but thought I would reply here to move it up. I think you should leave her alone with regard to helping her. You two are divorced hence there is no marriage to save. <P>However, I understand that you would like to make this all work again somehow. Well, it seems to me that your W won't be coming back until she learns how to stand on her own two feet. If you help her, she may come back out of greatfulness, but that won't last and you may end up in the same position.<P>So I would suggest that you take good care of the children. Talk with her, and see if you can help her come up with some ideas of how SHE can get herself out of the mess she has put herself in. But, I wouldn't help her financially.<P>I believe she needs to do this on her own, and come to you because she wants to and can rather than she NEEDS to.<P>That's my $0.02<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I agree. The child support is for the kids, use it for them. She needs to do this on her own.<P>Imagine you just met this wonderful women who you really want to get to know better, date, and possibly create a relationship with. You wouldn't just go out and offer to pay for her rent just because she was having money problems, now would you? <P>I like JustLearning's idea about helping HER to find ways to help herself.<P>If she asks for help, plan A, and help her, but don't make a habit of it, or support her youself. You could bring some groceries over, or other ways that will help with her $$ problems, but not be so obvious and "as if" you were supporting her, y'no?<P>I hope it works out for you.<BR>HbH

JL & HbH, you pretty much set me straight here; it's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I do feel as if I'm in the 'rescue mode'. I totally agree that helping her out would be a faux pas if I truly want to try to work on the relationship -- and HbH, what is this 'date' thing you speak of after 'meeting a woman'? Sounds intriguing...I've read about it in books, but it's been so long that I just can't recall (haha)...it's like trying to remember what presents you received on your 5th birthday.<P> Anyway, I'll keep it cool, stay low, etc. and offer suggestions as y'all recommended. Sounds like a plan and thank you for the advice!!<P>take care,<BR>Theo