does anyone know if you can love someone and not be in love with that person or is it an excuse? I feel if you love someone thats all there is. I didn't know that there were different levels that you could love someone. I guess I look at everything as black or white you either do it or you don't. maybe I'm living in a fantasy. I don't know. my w says she loves me but is not in love with me. maybe I just can't figure her out or we have just drifted apart. part of the problem is trusting her. I think she's being honest with me. but there was a time before I thought she was being honest and I found out the hard way she wasn't. I think the big thing is she doesn't want to be seperated from her boy's if I move. I feel there's a good chance I might but, it's a little early to tell. any segestions would be helpful thanks

I heard those lines so many times I could puke. They really dont make sense and seem so much like something a high school kid would say. That being said, Ill tell you we were married 14 yrs and have 2 kids. The best comparison I can come up with is that you love me like a brother or very close friend but not like a husband. She agreed with that analogy. Its a bitter pill to swollow, especially when you love her so much-unconditionally. My marriage has ended- divorce to be final Oct. 2. I wish you the best of luck and hope your fiasco ends better than mine did.

You're likely to get a lot of responses to your post from people who have this line repeated to them endlessly by a WS.<P>One suggestion regarding your questions about love. <P>A good reference book you may want to lok at is "The Truth About Love" by Pat Love (really).<P>It talks about the different stages of love and the diffeences between romantic love etc. It is a new book and she has done some recent stints on the Today Show, GMA etc.<P>Good luck <P>E <P>

As Elad mentioned, that is a phrase commonly heard around here. Very likely your W is comparing the strong feelings she had with her OMs (I read your other post) with the feelings she has for you and finds they are not the same -- hence her goofy-sounding statement.<P>The feelings of passion people feel in the beginning of a relationship are often thought to be "in love" feelings. Unless special efforts are made, those feelings fade with time. <P>There is a lot of information on this site to explain why people work that way and how to get back those passionate feelings. The following post is a good starting point <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders</A>.<P>Please continue to ask questions, but follow the links and do the reading -- it'll help you understand what going on in your marriage.<P>Good Luck<P>--Jeffers

For what it is worth, I think one should consider this a little more open-mindedly. If ws (and I am no different, felt the same way) keep trying to articulate the "why" this way...love/care about you...but not in-love with you, then maybe there is a reason here, and it is counter=productive to blow it off as some silly infatuation with op. IMO to think that (and thereby act accordingly, like the love for op is of no value) sets you up for a negative outcome. If the love for op is misguided, your ws will realize it soon enough, it is a huge disrespectful judgement to chastise ws about this. If s/he cannot know they love the op in a more significant bonding way then you, then how can they ever decide that it is you they love as well? Don't you want the ws to be in-love with you? IMO the best way to deal with this is plan a well, and woo your spouse back, so they become in-love with you, not blow it off.<P>btw...I think the distinction is important, and is one we (humans) all make....we love lots of people, but are only in-love with one...that is the one we feel a special intimate bond with, and want to be married too. There is much debate over the nature of this, but IMO it is very real.

My H told me the same thing when I found out about his A with a single coworker. His was an intense EA/PA and to rationalize what he was doing he had to convince HIMSELF that he was out of love with me( married 15 yrs 3 kids!) and in love with HER! It is a common psychological thing with cheating spouses. I felt better coming here knowing it was a common thing they say. One night I even came down to ask H to come to bed and found him in our laundry area on the phone telling OW he 'loves her but had to work things out at home." That was quite a shock believe me!!! But now its 6 mo past d-day and we are very much in love with each other and our intimacy has returned- he wouldnt kiss me for 7 mo during this ordeal! It is possible to get the love back.Loving someone is a choice not just a feeling. lifeismessy

I think there's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I've never said these words to my H nor has he ever said them to me.<BR>I have friends, both male and female, that I love. They are important in my life, I care deeply for them, thier happiness is important as is thier well being, I share a special friendship with them and I welcome them into my life.But they don't stir the deepest parts of my soul.<BR>I'm in love with my H. I am thrilled to be with him. There's a passion between us, a deeper intimacy. HE touches the deepest parts of my soul. He makes me feel alive. He makes me want to be a better, more loving person. He stirs emotions within me that no one else can.<BR>I dont think it's an excuse when someone says this. I think it's an admission that something has gotten lost along the way, the connection was severed, that they no longer feel the stirrings inside that were once there.<BR>Just my opinion!

YES!!!<P>I think shedawg has said it perfectly.<P>These passionate feelings are not trivial - even though they seem to come out quickly at the beginning of a relationship. The trick is maintaining them. Or, regaining them if they are lost. <P>The MB principles offer a reasonable explanation as to why people have little trouble generating these feelings early in a relationship but then must put forth effort later on in order to maintain them. <P>The "love you" but "not in love with you" statement may SOUND goofy but really is serious stuff. You are wise to pay attention to your W when she says that.<P>Don't DO ANYTHING right now (like leave, or threaten to leave). You need to do a lot of reading, thinking and observing. If you do want to work on your marriage it will involve making changes in yourself. The Harley's have a reasonable blueprint for that process. <P>--Jeffers<P>(Don't forget to come back and tell us how you're doing!)

I too am a victim of the "love but not-in-love" syndrome. I agree with shedawg and others by saying it is not to be taken lightly. There is something that makes you want to spend your life with that person. And only that person. I, too love my friends, but I don't want to see them day in and day out. I can't imagine having them around all the time, it would eventually drive me nuts. But, when it comes to our spouses, that is why we marry them. Because we want them around. Because you can go to sleep and wake up and still be happy to see them in the morning.<P>I have been doing a lot of studying of the MB principles as well as other readings. Unfortunately I found them after my H and I separated. I can see what worked in the past, and could work again. If only my H was willing.<P>I should have not left so soon. I was devastated by those words and couldn't think of any other way to react. Take time to really think before reacting. It hurts to hear, but by using your head and not your heart, you may save your marriage.<P>Good luck,<BR>kathy