My H and I definitely had unresolved marital issues for which I take full responsibility (very similar to SNL's story) but now, I keep hearing him say, "Last year (would have been prior to the PA) you wanted a divorce, didn't you? Why are you changing now? Why now, when it's too late? Why do I have to devastate on my own???" Yes, H is pretty angry!!!

Terrified<P>This too was a question my H had for me. He wanted to know why now was he important to me. Why couldnt I make him feel important to me before the A.<P>He was angry, confused and scared. He was angry because of the shape our marriage was in. He was angry because of his actions, lies and deceit. He was angry because he thought that I didnt love him. He was angry because to leave me would make him lose alot of things he liked. He was angry because he thought people didnt see how I had contributed to his actions. He was angry because his parents supported me. He was angry just about everything.<P>He was confused because he thought that he loved her. He was confused because he thought he didnt love me like he should but could leave me and our kids. He was confused because his parents were telling him he was making a mistake. He was confused because she was stroking his ego and he thought that he would always feel good with her and I was telling him that she couldnt make him happy over the long run.<P>He was scared because life was changing and changing faster than he could control it. He was scared because he wasnt sure he was making the right decisions. He was scared because he knew I was a better person than her but wasnt sure that I could forgive him and that we could heal our other problems in our marriage.<P>Basically what I am trying to convey is that I believe this is a normal reaction from a WS. Why now? Why should I (WS) have to give up someone who is making me happy? <P>I did respond to these questions with the fact that I loved him and that I always had. That as his anger increased over the primary issue in our relationship that I didnt know how to handle it. So I withdrew. I tried to ignore the problem hoping that it would work itself out. I was wrong and that I was sorry for. I was sorry for the fact that I didnt do my job of supporting him. I appologized for this many times and worked hard at changing my reactions. That I recoginze that I should have changed a long time ago and that I was sorry for hurting him. That I didnt think it was too late for us and that I loved him and only wanted him.<P>These questions, came from him before he had actually ended the a. But they also indicate that he is seeing changes, that he likes some of the changes that are occuring and that he is a state of conflict. You must be doing a good plan A and working on you. Hang in there and keep up the good job.

Terrified,<P>I do not know your situation. I am the BS. I was a year since DDay. Our Daughter was in Johns Hopkins. As far as I was concerned, he was in love with the other women. He told friends that were soul mates and he did not love me. That he could cheat on me and still value or marriage. He would never cheat on the other woman because of the soul connection. By the way, she was cheating on him and her husband. laugh laugh I told him you know I really did love<BR>because if I didnt I would not have hurt this much. He told <BR>why didn't you tell me this two years ago. What does that mean? I do not understand. I was letting him go. I told him to go. You would think he would want to be with his True love. My husband is a drunk and drug addict. I wonder sometimes why do I want this man in my life and my daughter's. He told me once because of her I am still here. <BR>

Thanks so much for your replies. It sounds as if you're describing my H exactly and it helps me to understand his mind while keeping me sane. Z, did your H have to leave before coming to his senses? How long did it take?<P>Hugs to all

Terrified, I went through the same things, too! My H came in "litterally out of the blue" and said that he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. He asked my why I waited until now to start trying. I could only say that I did NOT realize the extent of his hurting, and would NEVER have continued making him feel "less of a man", if I had known. I think our spouses think that we are mind readers, and I honestly wish that I was. Hang in there, and KEEP THE FAITH! <P>Krystal

Terrified<P>We went through several bouts of no contact. He left for one night the day before my bday and came home on my bday. He was so confused he didnt know what he wanted. He still cant give me a reason why he choose that night either.<P>Then I kicked him out for about 1 wk and then it was time for him to get serious. Either end contact w/her or me. He choose me.<P>Since then he hasnt had contact with her but he has with her kids. Found this out last week. He has sworn that off too now. All I can tell you that this is a scary processes but it is also one in which you cant help but grow as an individual.<P>I started seriously investigating his a in Oct 00 which he knew I was. Confrounted in Nov 00 Found them at her house in Jan 01 and final blow up in Mar 01. Bringing us to present day 6 Months later.<P>About 3 months after March he had started to tell me that he could see there was something illusional about the relationship he had with her. Something that wasnt real. Just a few weeks ago he told me that when he thinks about her that he gets angry. That he felt he was being used by her. But he will still defend her integrity lol.<P>So thats the time line that I've been working on.

I think your H's anger is very mixed with fear. He is afraid if he recommits to the marriage it wont be fulfilling and then he wont have anything at all. Plus the fear of facing what went wrong in the marriage and his having the courage to change what he needs to do to make it better. Fear fear fear. It was definitely affecting my H during his time of indecision even AFTER he gave up OW. Took him along time to recommit to the concept that we could have a new and better marriage. lifeismessy