This is my first post ever so please bear with me. For 2 years I have had an affair with a co-worker. Previous to that time we were really good friends and the sexual affair began after my emotional need for conversation had been satisfied. I have learned a lot about friendship with opposite sex -- but that is another post. In the beginning, I never intended for the affair to "break up" my marriage -- In fact I told the OM many times that I loved my husband and that he not done anything wrong. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe someone who has been there will understand. Just when I had convinced myself that I was leaving to be with the OM, my eyes and heart were opened to the love that I have for my husband (we have been married 23 years). My husband begged me to stay and work things out and that I would have his full forgiveness. We have sought the help of a great Christian Marriage Counselor. Ninety-five percent of the time, things are great with us. My husband says & shows that he loves more than he ever has and I feel the same way towards him. I am amazed that I could have been so stupid and blind with the OM. The problem is the other 5% of the time. My husband will cry hysterically, asking the same "Why? and How could you?" questions all over again. He tells me that we have no past and I threw that all away with the OM. He does not do this in a angry way towards me, but I am so afraid that he is going to have a breakdown. I don't know how to make his pain go away and the pain that I feel because I know that I was the cause. He apologizes afterwards and we can go on working things out. I cannot give him any satisfactory answers to "Why and How could you" there are none. How do I help him? How long does this continue to haunt you? Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.<p>[This message has been edited by IndyGirl (edited August 29, 2001).]

Hi Indy & Wecome:<P>First I want to acknowledge the courage it took for you to post & admit your affair.<P>I am a WS and have been trying to keep my marriage together after my H several affairs (4) One long term.<P>I like your husband begged him to come back, promised total forgiveness etc etc, but I too cry often & ask those same questions WHY? WHY ME? HOW COULD YOU CARE SO LITTLE?<P>We're not stupid we all now that an affair is a selfish & senseless thing, but as the BS we feel so attacked personally.<P>My H has done a terrible job of making me feel like he really regrets it. Yes, he's with me. Yes, he crys & says he feels terrible & will never do it again. But what goes thru my mind & maybe your husbands is that's now...but then you didn't care about me, you didn't put me first, you didn't feel quilty enough.<P>I want reassurance...I want my H to tell me that the OW was fat, ugly, terrible in bed, stupid, etc etc...and he was just plain dumb. I don't even care if it's a lie. The personal rejection is what hurts..that fact that someone you love & trust was unfaithful & deceitful & didn't care about your feelings.<P>My H says that when he ws with the OW all he thought about ws me & that he really wanted to be with me...BULL !!<P>Indy, tell your husband that he was better, better in every way. That you strayed for selfish reasons...not looks, money, sex, a better time. Tell him it wasn't fun or exciting.<P>Other MB may disagree with tis, but that's ok. I'm just saying what I would want to her to help the hurt (which unfortunately will never go away), but may lessen over time.<P><BR>GOOD LUCK !!<P>

Dear Indy girl,<BR>I believe your husband is going through an anger stage within himself right now. you say he doesn't talk angrily to you so he is keeping it in and it comes out sometimes. He wants to truly forgive you and get your marriage back on track but the anger is there because he feels very betrayed and hung out to dry. When he found out about your affair, the pain was almost unbearable. He probably felt like someone hit him right in the middle of the stomach. He probably has been very good to you in the past and is so hurt. I am a BS also and I find myself crying alone sometimes when I think about how my wife betrayed my trust. I am slowly working on it and even though i believe my wife is still having an EA I can sense that something is changing ever so slightly. I have got to go for now but will post again tomorrow if you want to. Good luck!

Those deceptions might temporarily help your husband overcome his intense hurt. But in the long run, he will know the truth. And it will hurt all over again.<P>I do agree that you don't want to let him think that this OP is "better" than he. No matter how much he might think he wants details, he doesn't want to know. Trust me. Every detail I found out drove the sword of pain deeper into my heart and twisted its jagged edge again. Do I, as a BS, want to be completely ignorant of what my wife and the OM did? No. But there are some things better off left unsaid. At least for now.<P>Just don't lie to him. He's had 2 years of deception and what he needs now, more than anything is your 100% honesty and devotion. He is lucky that you are as sure as you are of your love for him. Most WS's aren't even sure they want to reconcile with their spouses. I also congratulate you on your courage.<P>The pain will last forever, to an extent. But the worst of it will pass in a few weeks. I couldn't eat anything solid for the first 2 weeks. Then I got better, then worse, then better yet.<P>I've accepted what has happened in that there is nothign I can do to change it. Regretting the past will accomplish nothing. But the two of you can start to rebuild a relationship that you both evidently cherish. Don't talk too much about the A. Try to focus on the two of you. Spend as MUCH time together as you possibly can. Avoid situations that will lead to arguing. Get him on this site!!<P>We're praying for you.

Hi Indygirl.<P>Both of you have each other again. That's great.<P>But damage has been done to your marriage. First thing I would do is to seek a therapist/counselor and talk about the situation. Both of you need healing time. <P>If my wife came out of the fog, I would not know how I would feel towards her. I know it sounds crazy, but I am putting all the mean things she does and said to me to the side, because she is in the fog. If she comes out, I don't know how I will react. Can I trust her again? Will she cheat on me again? Can we love each other again? I think the main thing for me to get over is - can I get over the verbal abuse that has been said.<P> I'm sure your husband has stuff running inside his head over the affair. It's going to take time. <P>Good Luck

Indy,<P>I'm a BS. I had all of those questions and quess I always will. I finally decided that if I wanted my marriage to work I just had to put it behind us. (and let us hope that that is where it stays) On a post earlier the question was asked, "do you want your marriage or do you want to be right?" it started a train of thought going in my head and I just decided that I had to let it go and work on today. I don't know how to tell you to help your husband. I think he will probable have to come to terms with it all in his own way. Just let him know that you do love him and you are where you want to be. I think that reassurance and your actions will go a long way in helping him "get over it."

Thanks for all of the words of encouragement. I know with each other and God's help we will make it together!! I wish the past could be changed but it cannot. Hopefully some day my husband can look at the past and remember the happier times and not just see the huge scar that I inflicted -- because there were many, many happy times together. But for now .. I must concentrate on our future together and making new memories. Keep praying for us and specifically for the healing of my husband's heart and mind.