Thanks for your input Lighthouse on my last post (Need Help, S&L esp.)<P>Since you are a couple of years ahead of me in this process.... can you help me wade through these dark, sad and lonely times???<P>What is your story? I think I can learn a great deal from your experience...<P>Does the pain of losing the OW ever go away?<P>Why do I have to abandon all hope of a marriage in the future to the OW---even a legit one (i.e. we all truly tried and failed to save our marriages and all walked away, or someone dies, or our spouses give up and leave us)?<P>Why do I feel that in spite of the pain I have inflicted on my W, I still would do it over again...even pick up where we left off today if it were an option?<P>Why should I starve and kill what could be the best relationship I may ever have? - you only live once you know.<P>Why is the preferable option for the OW and I to go thru the pain in order to avoid the pain of others? - if I always followed this philosophy, I'd already have died a martyr's death. Since when does my desires and pain matter less than anyone else's?<P>If we try to kill any potential relationship, is there really a chance we would even want to be together in the future even if circumstances changed so that we could be? I don't really want to put the OW so far away into my psyche if it would destroy our chances in the future....I don't want to let go, I guess....I want something to hold onto...<P>These are just a few things I'm struggling with...any help would be appreciated.<P>Thanks<P>hr

man....I don't even know where to begin...and am somewhat limited on time this evening...can write more tomorrow.<P>Let me just throw out a few things to 'chew on'. <P>In fact...if you want...emailing might not be a bad idea if you would prefer that...just let me know.<P>First of all...you owe it to your wife, your kids, yourself and even your extended family....to give your marriage the best you have. And that would be impossible...with the OW still 'in the wings', so to speak. (She's married herself, isn't she?)<P>I believe you mentioned something earlier that was a familiar quote that I have to agree with that you will never find happiness at someone elses expense.<P>I don't know how "God" fits into your life and belief system, but he is pretty clear and specific about these things and gives many strong warnings as to what will happen if we violate his laws. Those laws are there to protect us, by the way.<P>I also realize that you are caught between the most intense tide of emotions and reason/logic that you have ever found yourself in. And I am told that when emotion and reason meet head on...emotion often will win out...unless you have some plan. Your heart...and mind...are deeply entrenched on opposite sides of the battle field now...and believe me...with what you are feeling in your heart....your mind stands little chance of winning.<P>If you are open to the suggestion that you are also engaged in a spiritual battle...then it would make sense that the 'forces of darkness' are in direct opposition to everything God stands for...and they are assulting your soul with all kinds of thoughts and temptations. Given the fact that you already have drank from a 'poisoned well' (adultery), your thinking is already tainted.<P>I've heard it said before that 'deceived people don't know they are deceived'! I tend to agree with that.<P>Believe me.....you won't catch me throwing stones at you here. I feel like I am on my last leg in trying to find victory in my own life. My heart is a mass of shredded ribbons these days...trying to find my way home again.<P>I know it's the right choice. Despite how deeply involved I was with this other woman, we BOTH knew, thank God, and remained steadfast that we could never leave our marriages, despite how much our hearts screamed and begged us to.<P>That is all part of the "lie" that Satan baits his temptation with that we would be happier and more fulfilled.<BR>ANd it is the most incrediblly convincing lie I have ever been exposed to.<P>I teach in a public school. You should see the condition of so many of these kids whose homes have been racked by divorce and split marriages and such. IT is pitiful. And regardless of the reasons folks get divorced...the toll is high...very, very high. Having kids of my own...there was no way I could do this to them.<P>Right now...your girlfriend seems like an oasis in a barren land. She has nourshed your parched soul like no other person ever did...and in your mind...not even like your wife ever did.<P>I love to share the quote here I heard long ago...about how the grass is always greener....wherever it is watered. The fence has nothing to do with it. Somewhere down the line, you and your wife stopped watering each others hearts and souls. And in the process...you misdirected your 'hose' elsewhere...as did your friend. It's no wonder you fell in love with each other.<P>I don't know that I can give you insight to some clear path to victory at this time...for I am still looking to find my way out as well.<P>But it is not an easy walk out.<P>Funny....how easy and fun it is to go on a spending spree with a credit card. Doesn't take any effort or time to run that thing up and run it up high. But oh....how paying it off is costly and slow. The longer you wait...the more difficult it will be.<P>You just better hold on to whatever truth you have...and keep fighting with everything within you...<P>I only hope and pray...that I can get back on solid ground soon...and maybe then...I will be in a better position to help others like you and myself. But I promise you...every fiber within me still screams and haunts me and begs me to turn back...and give in to this desire I have.<P>We are in this thing together friend....and if there is anything I do know....giving in...or giving up...would be the most tragic thing I could ever do...regardless of how many mistakes and failures I already have had.<P>Blessings...

Thanks again...you are a beacon of light to me right now...<P>The OW and I are in sync (as usual) about the feelings I expressed earlier...we both know th right thing, but are struggling and clinging to the hope that God may give us a chance someday--we don't know how He would do that...we're just hoping....probably don't want to give up on what we know we could have together...<P>In spite of all that... How do you "know" that the "right path" is more tragic and painful than giving up on my chance at a fulfilling life with the OW?<P>Write back when you can.... how can I email you?

You know...I've wondered if they need another forum here for WS's to hang out in. I would think some of our posting could be pretty painful for BS's to read. I don't want to add to their torment.<P>In fact, one of the reasons I come here a lot is to read their post and really try to grasp their pain. It serves as a 'balance' for me and keeps things in perspsective. I have to ask myself...do I really want to put my wife and kids throught his?<P>You asked how do I know that this path would be destructive? Well....the bloodied and battered hearts have left a trail all over these boards. It is pretty evident.<P>The only way I was able to stay in the relationship I was in as long as I did was by blocking out the complete truth of what I was doing. We men can be good about 'compartmentalizing" our feelings and stuff....and looking at only what we want to look at.<P>And it is the thrill and excitement and the newness of the impropor relationship that becomes our focus. The personal satisfaction and euphoric feelings we get from the relationship become so addictive, it's not even funny.<P>Do you know why it's danagerous to change your car radiator fluid when you have a pet dog around? They love the taste of anti-freeze. And it will kill them if they drink it. <P>That's what sin is like. Taste great. But it will kill you.<BR>And it's that kind of reasoning and truth usually goes in one ear and right out the other, because 'true love' is intoxicating.<P>You asked if the pain of the loss of the OW ever goes away.<BR>I can't answer that yet. It might be along time. But if I didn't have the hope that I could get past this place, I doubt I would try. I like to think that if one's heart can ever be steered back home where it needs to be...that healing can come and that the healthy love between husband and wife can replace any hurt or pain from the previous relationship. But it will take time, and you have to make the effort. Staying still...in one place...will profit you nothing.<P>I know some think in order to be completely healed you have to have horrible thoughts of the OP. I doubt I will ever have those kind of negative feelings. We're suppose to hate the sin, not the sinner. <P>You also find yourself muddling through a lot of tears and sorrow...that are not really genuine remorse for what you've done...only over your immediate loss. Unfortunately, that is not repentance...or godly sorrow. <BR>That is worldly sorrow that leads to death.<P>One of the first threads I ever jumped in on here was one called "What goes through the heart or mind of a WS".<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003445.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003445.html</A> <BR>Go check this one out some time and see if it doesn't strike a chord in you.<P>We WS's kind of find common ground here...of all places, surrounded by hurting spouses who have been betrayed. It seems unfair to them, but we do experience our own agony and torment...caught between wanting to do the right thing...overwhelmed with a sense of failure for our sins...confused over by the signals our messed up hearts are screaming at us...you name it.<P>If anything has kept my head afloat from just completly drowining in this mess...is somehow, I have held on to the conviction that I have been wrong...all along.<P>I have wanted to understand this place more...I am devestated that I ended up here...and honestly wonder at times if I will ever...be as happy at home again...as I like to believe I could have been with this other person.<P>I have many moments in time...where I just want to die...give up...escape somehow...from this darkness. But quitting is not an option for me.<P>By the way....how about some background...how old are you and your wife...how many kids if any....how long have you been married? First marriage for you both? What about your OW...her status? What do your respective spouses know about your relationship? Maybe you've posted that all before...and I need to hunt it down.<BR>Do you have an email address you are comfortable putting on here for me to email you?<P>Believe me...writing and sharing part of this journey with you helps to some degree....so keep those cards and letters coming! <P>

hey...I'm back again. <P>I feel compelled to tell you that even though I have probably been 'stuck' in this place longer than you have, I don't know that I have made that much more progess to really be a 'beacon' of light, as you say.<P>Now I don't know his whole story...but if anyone out there is a success story (as WS goes), then Trueheart is the guy you want to talk to. I came across this post the other day and it was powerful. He's the guy you need to ask for. <P>Sounds like he is on much more solid footing than me.<P>check this out:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html</A> <BR>