I asked what he wanted to do. He said he thought I should go see my Aunt in Wisc who is ill. I said I'd rather do something fun and relaxing with you. He said he wanted some time alone and to stay home and brew some beer. I tried to push a little more, but gave up and said I would make my own plans then. I suggested maybe we just do something fo a long weekend together and he reluctantly said OK.<P>Then I could not shut up. I asked if he had talked to OW about calling here and he said she denied it. I said the calls have stopped since he talked to her. I said I knew he was seeing her again and I needed him to promise not to have her in the house when I was gone. He said I'm not seeing her, just talking to her. <P><BR>So I came in here before I open my mouth agian and tell him this hurts too much can he deceide who he wants to be with and prepare to move out if he needs to continue this relationship with her.<P>But I might think about it and say it anyway.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>I'm sorry that things didn't seem to go well. I haven't been keeping up with the forum very well lately, so I don't know if this is an isolated incident or a pattern since he has returned.<P>Remember the Rule of Honesty - if this is bothering you, you need to find a calm and non-hostile way to talk to him about it. Feeling upset and not sharing that with your husband will be detrimental to your recovery.<P>I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Lora,<P>I am sorry the vacation talk did not go well. So he did admit to speaking with her. No reason? <P>I feel Terri is right. This is your home also, if you do not feel safe there because of the contact, he needs to know. <P>Lora, the anxiety is subsiding for me. I have learned that for me, getting the OW out of my life brings relief. It is important to my soul and for my peace of mind. H was out of the house and that was the first night I was able to rest. Even though I was tormented by the thought that they were having s6x and they did. Still her influence was out of my house. <P>Find your settling point. You have been in this situation for a while. You know your goal and your H needs to know that your home requires protection. I have outlined this to my H and he understands. He is not happy where it might send him but I am resolved to stick to keeping OW out of my home. She is not welcomed here even as a phone call. I will speak to strangers but OW is not welcomed here. <P>I hope you are able to find some happy time this coming week. Who knows, your H might try to be unhappy but you may just be 2 good 2B 4gotten...... If he smiles, you have a start. Here is one for him: <P>I will be home tonight if you want to chat. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR> <P>

Ohhhh Gosh Lora, I'm so sorry.<P>So he wants to stay home and brew beer, huh? Well fine and dandy, as long as he doesn't have OW over for a sleep over again THE BIG JERK!.... sorry .... ughhhh<P>So whatcha gonna do? Go see your auntie?<P>If you stay home to protect your house and H from seeing OW, you won't have a good vacation and then again if you go to see your Auntie you'll probably be stressin what's going on at home.<P>Can you just block out what's going on at home and do what you want to do? Can you be that strong and just focus on you and what makes you happy? <P>I know we can't talk about this on the phone tonight cuz H is home this eve, perhaps tomorrow morning?<P>I'm sorry Lora. We did talk about what the scenarios could be. And you know if you ask him to leave he won't, and even if he does it won't be in time for your vacation.<P>I think Terri is right, I think you should be honest about your feelings in a non-threatning way, No LBs and "I feel" statements. What do ya think, Hon?<P>Jo<P>

Lora:<P>This is where boundaries are important...no one should be allowed in your home while you are not there that would not be allowed in if you were there. He's done this before (at least the trailer I think) so it's hard to trust him. This is a kicker for me...a real no..no way...not if you value your B**** buster. <P>If he's admitting to talking to her...probably it's worse then that...his actions seem to indicate so...I think I'd give him a little leadway here until I could determine the status of the relationship again...that shouldn't be too hard...a week or two ought to be enough.<P>I think it also would be an excellent time for a reversal of tactics...how about trying setting him free...explaining calmly that you know he is having trouble getting over OW and that you understand and you are willing to help anyway you can (treat it like withdrawal) but that this is not something you can deal with on an everyday basis so if he feels like he needs to remain in contact with OW then perhaps he needs to make arrangements to leave again until he can end contact altogether. You're letting him make the choice but holding your own ground...takes away some of the urgency to leave to get away from the conflict the situation is causing.<P>At least you are not forcing him to leave and playing the victim again and again.<P>Faye<BR>

Such good advice, Faye. Lora, I think she has it.<P>BTW Faye, Lora's H did have OW stay in their home last year when Lora was away on vacation for a week. Big NO NO!<P>Jo

Ok, Lora go on your vacation. Is there anyone around that can kind of keep an eye on things? Just a drive by kind of eye? <P>Babysitting? Maybe, it is your home also. You both share it together and need to retain respect for it as your home together. If this is stressin you out, you should let him know. <P>JMHO,<BR>L.

Oh, I missed that....scumb**...trashy woman...they deserve each other...at least right now. He's not good enough for you, Lora. <P>Well, I said it was a No..No..No for me. I would have to scrub the floors for a week to get all traces of her out.<BR>Reminds me of the time WH's OW came to the front door...I answered and when I saw it was her I told her to get off of my porch...that she could stand in the road...that was public property...but if she'd didn't get off of my porch I was calling the police...she left...hows that for setting boundaries? In the street's where she belongs anyway...that's where WH picked her up. <P>Faye<P>

Lora, maybe this is showdown at the OK Corral for you.<P>I like the idea of having someone keep an eye on things while you're gone. (Jo, do you live close enough to do it?)<P>And if OW visits your home EVEN ONCE while you're gone, then I'm afraid it's Plan B time. I know we all want to be kind and understanding when the spouse is in the fog, but it seems to me that bringing OW into YOUR OWN HOME is carrying the level of disrespect too far.<P>The fact of the matter is that he is going to do what he wants, regardless of what you say. He knows perfectly well that you do not want OW in your house. If he respected your feelings, he wouldn't be in contact with her in the first place. He doesn't. He's not going to. What he'll do is sneak, in order to avoid confrontation.<P>If you can stand to go away on your own and block it out of your mind, then do it. Go someplace fun and relaxing. Meanwhile, I like Buffy's approach. I think you are about at the end of your rope (I know I would be). After 2 years, no one would judge you for going back to Plan B. After all, isn't the end of Plan B supposed to be predicated on an agreement of no contact?

I would love to breeze by every so often and check on your home, Lora. I would even walk on up and ring the bell, you know ... looking for you ... lol<P>Setting the stage:<P>Ding Dong ... "Hello Lora's Hubby, is Lora here? WOW and WHOA! that isn't Lora, who are YOU??? OMG .. you must be Gladys, the preditorial slutty tramp whore that is boinkin Lora's hubby ... and in her home NO LESS!!! <P>Shoot, maybe I should go pick up Mr. Gladys and take him with. That should be quite the surprise for both of them. Kinda would ruin their ... ummm mood, eh?<P>I can do it every day you're gone, Hon. Just say the word. Heck ... I might just do it anyhooo, I'm so P/O'd at your hubby right now. Plus .. I'd love to give OW a piece of my mind, WHAT A TRAMP!<P>Lora, are you okay ... I haven't heard from you yet and it's 7:20a PST. Because I can't call you (your hubster is home) please let me know you're okay, okay?<P>Love,<BR>Jo

I'm OK everyone.<P>Boy that OW in the house is a hot button for most of us isnt it? I hate that, but i dont think I can stay home and babysit the house without building up so much resentment that I will never recover either.<P>After our talk I wrote here, then went back in the living room. We watched TV and he talked to me normally. Then at bedtime he even suggested a plan for today... to go to brunch then to his MOms. And talked about his plans to go ski shopping with a guy friend of his on Friday. My plan is to have my own plans fri morning, but to suggest we meet up for lunch or dinner.<P>So my options seem to be cancelling my vacation for now, or going to see my aunt (which I do want to do) and then coming home and planing a 3-4 day thing with him, or staying gone the whole time.<P>Terri,<BR>I'm so happy to hear you dont come her as much... tell me you have a life outside of MB!<BR>I did tell him that I could not tolerate it. And he said it would never happen, but then again it has in the past, and she is married so the poor things must have a hard time finding someplace.<P>Orchid,I'm glad you are doing better. Sorry I cant call for a few days as H is home. I am glad you are feeling some releif. I remeber when H first left and I could sllep through the night instead of waking and worring where he was.<P>Jo, <BR>Ill call you when I can. Thanks for being there. You are too funny.<P>Buffy,<BR>I think your right, I will start gearing up to talk to him. I think its like an alcoholic, if the say one drink, you know its more. At least he didnt deny talking to her, that would have really seriously ticked me off. But he cant continue here and keep talking to her, he is so with drawn from me when he does. But what do you think of trying a short trip with him for a few days?<P>Dazed,<BR>I though of calling OW and telling her if she set foot in my house I would call her H and her children and her job. But figure it would just set them up to sneak all the more.<BR>Maybe I will have jo come by .<P>Thanks everyone. I feel stronger knowing you all are pulling for me.<BR>Lora<P>

Lora,<BR>Dang. I feel for you, sweetie.<P>When I was worried about the OW possibly coming to my house, I didn't do much housework... . Of course with 2 kids, 3 pets, it gets messy very easiy. But I didn't make the bed, left my nighty on the floor, sprayed my perfume on stuff.<P>I didn't want the possibility of her in my house to be comfortable for H...or her.<P>I don't think she was actually ever in my house...but there were a couple times I left for the weekend with the kids while H might have been home (can't remember exactly) but he didn't whoop it up with her at the house he moved into either because of the housemate (her now future H) & lack of privacy there. But, she has her own house...and that's where they usually went.<P>I kinda forgot I had done this . But then, I'm not Suzy Manichouse-cleaner at my best.

Hi Lor,<P>Good idea. I'll make sure I leave some stuff out, of course then I wont know if he got a sudden attact of cleanlyness ,or if something happened. But I think my instincts will tell me.<BR>Lora