Hi,<P>My other posts explain how for me, D day was nearly 5 months ago, although we made love about two days after D Day (the physical affair ended 2 weeks prior to D day) there has been no physical contact since...my H has said all along over the last % months that he can't have physical contact with me because of feeling sfor OE (he was still phoning her), Anyway...the point of this question is as follows.....<P>My H has always viewed internet porn but it never affected out sex life...we joked about it and it was only occasional viewing. After D Day, and his sort of semi - withdrawal symptoms after end of PA, he started viewing porn more and more, saying he didn't feel ready to commit to sex with me, but this way he could relieve his sexual urges without it involving another person or involving any emotional attachment to anyone. He didn't want to lead me on to thinking that he'd got OW out of his system so thought it was fairer to masterbate rather than have sex with me. Sorry that this is rather crude but I need to explain his reasons for looking at the porn before I go on to the next part of my story.....<P>Anyway, last weekend, my plan A was going really well and my WH suggested going out for a drink together. Prior to last weekend, he has avoided going anywhere alone with me in case I start trying to talk about the A and ask awkward questions. He obviously felt more relaxed in my company and we had a really good evening together...just like old times. When we got back, for the first time since April, he actually gave me a hug and initiated sex. I was really pleased thinking that at last he was getting back some of his loving feelings towards me.<P>The next day however, my oldest boy was out at a football match and my toddler was having his afternnon nap. There would have been an ideal opportunity to be alone with my H again, but instead, he said he wanted to do some work on the computer (which is up in the attic) I know, however, that what he actually did up there was view loads of porn material...and I don't have to spell it out what he was doing while he was viewing this do I.<P>Whilst I'm quite open minded about the use of this stuff OCCASIONALLY, I felt quite hurt. If he felt like sex again, why didn't he appraoach me whilst the ideal opportunity was there instead of getting his thrills elsewhere? I think he may still be in the fog, and probably did this to escape back into his fantasy world away from me for a while, but also wonder whether he saw the sex with me on Sunday evening as a mistake. Or is it me who is expecting too much and expecting him to suddenly go back to normal over night?<P>Should I say anything about the porn? I'm worried that if he uses it all the time that he will never get his desire for me back because he will have got his satisfaction already. The thing is, if I say this to him, it means I have assumed that the other night wasn't a one off. Any advice on how to handle this?

Personally, I think this is a case of "give an inch, and they'll take a mile". If you allow even occasionally, for your husband to view other women in the nude, then he will want to do it constantly. Whenever he DOES sleep with you, their images will be on his mind. Trust me, I've been there. The only way is to completely eliminate it. I haven't looked at porn in a long time and it has truly changed me, and actually *increased* my drive.<P>There is a lot of good reading material about porn abuse in marriages, try to find it. I'm sure some of the good posters on this forum might be able to refer you to some good sites, as well.

Ditto. If he's doing this alone it's an escape from dealing with you. It would affect his relationship with any woman. That's the aspect I would point out to him - it's in his own best interest to eliminate it, regardless of what eventually happens in your marriage.<P>And if he chooses to work on it, that should make things easier for you.<P>- Tom

When the time is right, ask him to read a book entitled "Every Man's Battle". Even if your H is not open to reading this book, it would be good reading material for you. It was a real eye opener for me to understand what my H was dealing with.<P>This book also helped me as a WS to deal with getting over the feelings I had for the OM. The subject matter was different but the techniques dealing with the addiction applies in both circumstances.

Dr. Harley has opinions about masturbating to porn. Check it out on the link below... I found it under the Q&A Columns - Emotional Needs section. <P>Maybe your H will be open to hearing about how masturbation takes his sexual energy away from the marriage and how that hurts you as well as your opportunity to meet his emotional need for sexual fulfillment...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5050a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>What to Do When Your Spouse has an Addiction to Pornography</A>, by Dr. Harley.

Thanks for the link into Dr Harley's advice about porn. I knew I'd seen something somewhere on MB, but couldn't remember where. If we were at the stage of recovery after the affair, I would have no hesitation in discussing how this affects our sex life. But, because there hasn't really been any sex since the affair and I've only recently started plan A, I'm not sure if its a good time to discuss it yet. How do I disscuss the implications it has on our sex life, if he's still saying he can't have sex with me because of feelings for OW? I'll test the water maybe, or I could say something like "Have you ever wondered whether using this stuff so much stops you from enjoying real sex because your sexual needs have already been satisfied?" Can anyone think of a better way to ask this question which doesn't imply that I've assumed our sex life has resumed. (Don't want to out pressure on after Sunday night, in case it was a one off)

Hi Wounded One just wanted to say my H does the same but he views the porn a lot, and his A is still on and he has had sex with me all through his A (14 months) although only about once a week due to his lack of interest.<BR>I also never used to mind when we had a full sex life but feel now its replacing me.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wounded One:<BR><B>Thanks for the link into Dr Harley's advice about porn... I could say something like "Have you ever wondered whether using this stuff so much stops you from enjoying real sex because your sexual needs have already been satisfied?" </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Wounded,<P>No problem on the link. Go with your gut on the timing issue. You'll know when the time is right. If you are having doubts, then wait for that green light GO signal inside.<P>I don't see anything wrong with your question the way it is worded there. It doesn't sound like you are implying that anything is necessarily reestablished between you. After all, he is fulfilling his own sexual needs all by himself, right? <P>What if you could begin with stating that you are not jumping to any conclusions about your relationship, but down the road, could he see how this pattern of behavior could possibly affect his ability to receive sexual fulfillment from any red-blooded female?? Then go on to mention Harley's comments in the article about how it takes sexual energy away from the relationship?<P>I'm so sorry that you are in this predicament. I'll pray that your husband will see the "love" for OW for what it really is... His love for OW is a decision and a choice he made for himself. Just as easily as he made up his mind to "love" her, he can turn his heart toward home. I truly believe it is that simple... <P>