I worry about you. Was skimming posts and didn't see anything so I was wondering how you were doing and if you slept well last night. <P>HbH

Hi Hbh,<P>I am ok. Stress points are high. H is asking to 'talk' tonight. He will have to do the talking. I am just too tired. H wanted to talk last night but was in such a depressed mood he did not. I waited and waited. I finally approached him and he shooed me away. I was frustrated and he left the house with nothing but his keys, t-shirt and jeans. No shoes even. Hmph..... <P>I thought he went to OWs, he did not. He came home after sleeping in his truck for a few hours. This morning he said we needed to talk. Suppose to do that this evening. <P>Physically hanging in there. Supposedly OW and WS broke up. Don't know for sure, can't count on it (they are not good at keeping their words, you know). H says coming back partially because of the guilt. OW was very angry at him..... I don't know. I don't want him back for guilt. I don't need him moping around. I have said that but will see after tonight's talk. He will not go to his mom's. Says he will live in the streets first. There go my options. <P>I have been posting some but trying to lay low. Too much tension in my neck and shoulders. My hands and feet don't twitch as much. After he left and I found out he was not at OWs, I was able to sleep until he came in this morning. <P>Funny, he was too tired to talk to me. When I asked a question, he answered it in his head and not to me. Then he does not remember the answer and was upset that I didn't know what he said. Did you get that? I may have LB'd and not known it...LOL! Not sure...... Boy this is so confusing. So I stopped asking questions but the conversations in his mind may have continued. He was awake enough to drive off, go down the street and sleep for a while. It is a good thing it was not too cold. Yet he came home and went to sleep again, so the purpose of leaving ended up not really making sense except to make me loose about 2 hours sleep. Yes, that was my choice to do that. <P>He said we do need to talk, so will see...... I don't like limbo land. Like you this really sets me off.... <P>He knows he could lose all now. Not sure if he even cares. He is depressed so I do worry a bit. But I am able to get work done and have not cried too much today. I think I am getting better but I went downhill so fast and so much, it is still an uphill battle for me. <P><BR>Thanks for asking. How are you doing?<P>L. <P>

Hi Orchid, Thinking about you and hoping you're hanging in...you're stronger than most so I know you can do this. You're also stronger than your H. Remember, it's one working for two and that's what is so difficult. You have to carry for the both of you.<P>You're in my prayers. (Let us know how it's going. We're all worried.)

Hi Orchid. You and I are very much alike in this respect. I am DONE with OW, and I mean it.<P>My seperation is still in the works, but H is trying like heck to PROVE to me that he means business this time, we shall see, we shall see...<P>The decision to seperate lifted such a weight off my shoulders, Orhid. It mean, I MADE OW get OUT Of MY life!!! Either my H did it, or I was doing it with the seperation, either way - she was OUT OF THERE!<P>I got mad (kiddingly) at my H today because he is trying his hardest to show me how much he loves/wants me and he is doing a good job at depositing love units, so I said I was mad at him for getting me to start liking him again. I told him I am trying as hard as I can NOT to have any feelings for him until he can prove to me that he is serious, but it's not really working too well...<P>I had a blast yesterday/today, but I am so scared that it will not last. I KNOW you know how that feels...<P>Good luck, Orchid, how are you feeling today, BTW? I haven't got to read many posts yet...

Hi HbH & T,<P>Yes, I am doing better. HbH, I like your idea. May implement it on H. Not sure. Haven't had that talk yet..... His new company called for some hot jobs and he went out to do more runs (working for a courier service now in addition to the other one). Anyway, I did say that he needed to initiate, I would not. Trying to be patient. H nicely told me about his work, so that's a plus. <P>Yes, I know where you are at, you are also scared. Me too.... Afraid of a good thing, mad at a bad thing. Like PMS 24/7? Nah..... just cautious. I have never been a PMS girl.... at least... ha ha ha..... actually no. Have a lot of PMS examples in my in-laws, so H knows the difference. I think OW pms' bad herself. Anyway, she is starting to feel like she is out of my life. Not quite yet but getting there. I am definitely settling into a more stable picture, though my future is still up in the air. I am choosing not to be. You know what? It makes a big difference. I am learning that all my 'ducks' don't have to be in a row for things to start getting better just some, the others will come later. Mz. Perfectionist is retiring..... <P>I am glad to hear better news from you. <P>T, <BR>Thanks for your support. I don't feel strong, maybe I am just a loud talker? Hm...... nah, talking things out has really helped me. You have helped me also. <P>Take care and have a nice weekend. <P>L.

Orchid, that makes me very happy to see you getting stronger.<P>Your H has put you through so much hell, I just hate for you to get hurt again (I hate for anyone to get hurt again).<P>A wise person once told me "I need OW out of my life, if that means H is out of my ilfe, then so be it".<P>Do you remember who said that? LOL. It was you, and I took those words to heart, they really touched me and expressed how I felt inside.<P>Don't let your H back in to your life Orchid, not yet. He is not ready!! You KNOW that! I know you do. You have set your limits and he went past them. Now, you have to be strong.<P>Your H is gone. Let him be. He is out of your life, work on yourself, let go, be the best Orchid you can be!!<P>If he wants to talk, fine listen, but he needs to know you are DONE with him. <P>IF, and I mean IF, he chooses to PROVE to you that HE is worth taking back, and he is SERIOUS this time, only then, Orchid, only then do you take him back, or lead him to believe things are okay, k?<P>If you need papers of some sort to solidify this within yourself, then do it (I did, otherwise it wasn't REAL for me). If not, then don't, just to plan B again...<P>You need your boundaries, honey. I am so sorry for your pain. I am here if you need to talk.<P>HbH

Orchid,<P>I liked HbyH last post to you. Scroll up & read again.<P>Thinking of you often<P>G