wow! I can't believe I actually heard from my H and he wants to talk this weekend. His idea! <P>Brief summary: D-day was May 29. He came home, we tried counseling, he moved out on June 21, we stopped counseling. He doens't like to communicate much, but I have been Plan A'ing best I can since early June. No LB's (I think) for 7 weeks now whew!, but I can't fill many EN's either. We have seen each other about once every two weeks, and they are neither good nor bad - just friendly. I have lost 35 pounds and I look great and he noticed the last time and complimented me. He knows also about my non-LB's no nagging, whining, negative, or asking about A or OW.. <P>So, I'm scared about this weekend. He never wants to just eat and "talk". So, either, he wants to come home, he wants to give us another chance (counseling), he wants a legal separation, or divorce. I don't know. I don't think he would want to meet and eat to discuss divorce. <P>I have to be prepared for whatever he says, right? Just relax, and listen. What if he wants to come home? DO we need to make an agreement? counseling and No-contact? or just let him come home? Maybe he doesn't want to talk about us at all - it's just strange that he would say this.<P>Yes, it's what I've been waiting for - communication. But I want to handle it the right way.<P>So, this is an update, I guess.... I hope it's a Plan A success story of WS initiating contact and making a move towards home, but I won't know til this weekend. <P>Please offer any advice, suggestions, friendly kicks in the behind, hugs, anything..... <P>I was quite nervous and anxious earlier today when I first heard from him. I'm better now, and I just want to relax and see what happens. <P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Hi Faith,<P>Wow. I am having butterflies in my stomach.... But I must caution you, please don't get your hopes too high. These Ws's of ours have a way of taking a good thing and slowing it down. We have waited so long the road has been so hard, yet the journey is still ahead. <P>I pray that it goes well with you and your H. You have endured much. I don't want you to crash in any disappointment. You are too smart a lady to do that to yourself but I also know the anxiousness that builds with an upcoming event. Don't want to rain on your parade, Faith. Just want you to be happy.... <P>Be well and take care......pulling for you from this end of the country....<P>L.<BR>

Faith1,<BR>Good news that he wants to talk. I would say just try to "chill." My H expressed many times that he had choices to make. We went to dinner a couple of times and it always ended up being chit chat. I actually started saving voicemails that he'd left me expressing how much he loved me and that he was "leaning towards coming home" so that when he got all funky on me again, I could play them back for him! Like the day (2 days after I gave him Plan B letter) that he called and left me a voicemail about a card I'd sent him. He was crying and said it was the most beautiful card he'd ever gotten. Then he said I love you and I want to come home. O.K. - so my next bit of advice after having my lying H home for 8 weeks is GO SLOW. I know that you've wanted him to come home and work on things, but DON'T BELIEVE EVERY WORD HE SAYS. Get some commitment for how you want to work on things, be it counseling, make SURE he's willing to write a no contact letter, EN's questionnaire. Just make sure it's on your terms. I am so disappointed in the lack of progress since my H has been home. As a matter of fact, I was actually better off when he was gone, because my focus was more on me and my kids. For the last 8 weeks, all I've worried about is my H's feelings, at the expense of my own. Just my opinion. Best of luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>posted by Faith1:<BR><B>...my H...wants to talk this weekend...His idea...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR>Let him talk.. No LB.. NO MATTER what he says. Okay?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>posted by Faith1:<BR><B>...I'm scared...he never wants to eat and "talk"...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Then his mother taught him well and he has manners you know what your suppose to do. ... 'No Sense' <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>posted by Faith1:<BR><B>...I have to be prepared for whatever he says, right?...Just relax...listen...hope it's a Plan A success story...contact...(and)...a move home...I just want to relax and see what happens. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like you got it all figured out already <P>Your going to be a wreck until you actually hear what he is going to say... but I don't think its anything for you to worry about...<P><BR>(yes.. I'm fine..was trying to make you smile.. oh well)<BR>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited August 30, 2001).]

Hey Faith!<P>Not too much advice but just letting you know I'm thinking of you today! I hope this all works out for you. Sounds like you're doing it all right. Good work!<P>SBT

Just take it one step at a time with no preconcieved ideas as to want he wants to discuss. Good luck.<P> H2Y,<P> Nobody else will say it so I will, Are you OK?<P> jd

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. I really appreciate it. Yes, "no expectations", relax, go slow, be cautious.... <P>If anyone else has any.... bring it on .<P>jd,<BR>yes I was worried about h2y myself... just temporary insanity I guess. Seems to have cleared up now. lol<BR>

Hi Faith1,<P>I usually post in D/D, but I'm browsing tonight and read your post.<P>Let me tell you about our talk, not to burst your balloon, but to show you what I did wrong...I hope it helps.<P>My h didn't want our talk until about 4 weeks after the spearation, then changed his mind several times, and then sprung it on me when I was least expecting it.<P>It was a negative...I haven't changed my mind, etc etc. Here's where I went wrong...I cried and cried, I begged for the chance for our marriage, for our kids, because it was fair...all the time thinking to myself..."What DO they say to do at MB?" Not a single thing came to my head...I just blew it. <P>Also he told me a tiny bit about OW, to bolster his case, I suppose....it was horrible.<P>He was cold, distant, considered every word he spoke and didn't care one hoot he was breaking my heart.<P>Why did I tell you this? To not let those hopes get too high. Because when they are high, it's a big fall. You see that is what happened to me. I thought if I gave him enough time and space he would come around. And I really thought he would come and tell me he wanted to work on it, and though I thought I didn't have any hopes at all...down deep I did.<P>I am really sorry to tell you this, because it is obvious you are really happy about the talk...but please, please, take the advice of some others here; if it is bad news DO NOT LB, under any circumstances. Imagine the worst possible things he can say to you, and accept that they may be truth. You will come up with MUCH worse than reality presents, and you will not come crashing down if he does say negative things (well, hopefully, not at the time). And then if it is good news, oh the joy you will feel, and I hope that it is, I sincerely do.<P>Just wanted to let you know my tale, though because forewarned is forearmed.<P>Take care!

Faith1,<BR>I just wanted to express my happiness that your H has asked to talk, I guess as the others have stated you need to keep your feet on the ground, and not get too carried away. However it is a huge positive move, and I would suggest that you listen to what he has to say, and stay cool. As for advice as to what to do or say, obviously this depends on what he says, but I would glance over the basic principles on this site, you won't go wrong.<P>I've been following your story since you arrived on the board, I hope the meeting goes well, take care of yourself and remember to keep us updated.<P>mands

...I'm glad he finally wants to talk with you...<P>I'll pray for you...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I wish you the best and will keep my fingers crossed for you. Hang in there, no matter how it goes. <P>We will all be here cheering for you.....MnM

Faith1, <BR> I think that its terrific that H wants to have dinner and "talk", but like the others I would advise going in optimistically cautious. I have learned that getting my hopes too high seems to come through in my demeanor when I am talking to my W. You want to have a calm confidence about yourself, who you are and what you are about! You've lost 35 lbs, you look great, you are desireable and other men see it. No doubt he's starting to, but just let it happen. Try not to be too emotional either way! <BR> I believe in you and am keeping you in my prayers.<P>MissingHer

Faith,<P>I'm so glad to hear that your H wants to talk. I'll be praying for you.<P>Anna

o.k. so this is something I've been thinking about a lot, and I think it's very important for us BS's to be prepared if and when WS wants to come home. I've seen too many stories on here of WS's that come home too soon, and mine came home from OW's for 3 weeks before officially moving out into his own apt and signing a lease. But then I don't want to miss out on a 1/2-commitment that could blossom into full commitment either by being too tough.<P>If he wants to come home, how firm so I need to stand on a No-contact letter and counseling? I know he will insist on keeping a "friendship" with OW - that is what he did before. What if he's serious, and it's just a friendship? Do I still require No-COntact before allowing him to come home? But then, this is his home too right? I really get confused thinking about this. I feel like standing firm and saying we don't have a chance unless he breaks contact with OW! But am I being to hard? SHould I let him anyway, and then take it one step at a time?<P>BTW, I know he may not even WANT to come home - I don't know what the conversation will be about - we are meeting tomorrow for lunch. It COULD be nothing - just lunch... I'm just trying to think ahead, as we all should about boundaries.<P>Buffy? Mthrbrd? Orchid? HBH? anyone? <P> thanks!<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited September 01, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If he wants to come home, how firm so I need to stand on a No-contact letter and counseling? I know he will insist on keeping a "friendship" with OW - that is what he did before. What if he's serious, and it's just a friendship? Do I still require No-COntact before allowing him to come home? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sis,<BR>No one can really answer that for you, but as usual for me, I can give you my thoughts... <BR>I have thought long and hard about this for awhile now. <P>This is where my boundary is. To me, if he's serious about "recovery", then there will be behaviors to indicate such....he should be willing to do just about <B>anything</B> you want him to do. My list is short.<P>Three things I will INSIST on before allowing him to move home:<BR>#1) Radical Honesty (from both of us)<BR>#2) Counseling<BR>#3) No Contact<P>The rest will come in time. This much is (my) requirement to show me he's serious and committed. I don't think I can take any "false starts" so this draws the line in the sand for me.<P>Praying it goes well tomorrow -<BR>Lupo<BR>

faith1,<BR>I want to think the best for you, and that you will not be dissapointed. I know what you would like to transpire. We won't know until tomorrow - right?<P>Remember SAA, believe me, there is no such thing as "remaining friends". Doesn't work, shouldn't happen, "no contact" is no contact. Dr. Harley knows what he is talking about. We need to follow the principles - rules of ..., POJA, no LB, no disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts - it is there - hope it helps. The best to you - - - (((((( hugs )))))) aftershock

Hi Faith,<P>I agree with Lupo if your H wants to come home, those are the three boundaries you should ask for. Typically when the WS wants to come home they are most times willing to agree to most reasonable terms. Without no-contact, your H is very likely to slip back into the fog and you'll end up back to square one. Not desireable. (see Lora's story)<P>I know Harley suggests radical action to ensure no-contact (i.e., quitting job if WS works with OP, moving to another State if possible, etc.)<P>I believe if your H is truly ready to start recovery he should agree to whatever it will take for no-contact. <P>If I remember right, I even think Sad_n_Lonely, being a WS, has said no-contact is required to make a honest effort to focus solely on your marriage and recover from the A.<P>Faith, I'm praying for you, Hon. As a few have said here, keep your expectations low in terms of what your H may want to talk about.<P>Please let us know how it goes. Be strong Girl!<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 01, 2001).]

Hi Faith,<P>He wants to come back. Then ask him what does he know (not want) he will do to come back. What assurance will he give you to bring back value and benefit to your marriage. Remember he asked to talk to you. <P>Boundaries? Yes. Tell him? Wait. Let him talk first. Ask open ended questions. Draw him out. If he begins to withdraw, stop. Don't assume you and he have the same definitions. I am learning that when the WS says things and they don't explain the definition, it allows them (in their fog mind) to twist the definition and allow them to do what they want even though they may say different. Ex: I love you and care for you means I will go see the OW. How is that logical to the Ws? NOt sure but that one is for real..... Then when I asked what he meant by love and care, oh then the real definition came out and then he admitted that he was not showing love and care. Hm..... he thought he was. Ooops fog clearing time.. Yep, keep those grey cells working, it helps clear the fog. <P>After he speaks and you see him petering out, if he doesn't ask you your thoughts, ask if you can share your thoughts. Doing this, you will have given him his time to speak, he is more apt to give you your time. Based on his previous comments, you can adjust how you present your boundaries. <P>JMHO. Hope mthrrbard and buffy jump in on this one. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <P>

Thank you all sooooo much. That helps a bunch. It helps me define my boundaries, and keep in mind to let him talk. Thanks Orchid, for reminding me that - to listen - ask questions - - gently . And I'm not going to talk about us unless he wants to. I know not to expect much, or to expect ANYTHING. This could just be a lunch date - that's my attitude so I will be relaxed - he could have something positive OR negative to say - or maybe just wants to tel me he's still "figuring things out". I think I am prepared for anything - or ... er.... nothing .<P>thanks again!