Feeling blue need to talk to someone. I'm a mess and feeling sorry for myself and about my situation. Why can't I let this go?<BR>cybil

Me too...sorry for myself....selfish and mad...really, really mad...<P>If someone asked me if I wanted to be right or be married...right now...neither...I DON'T CARE!<P>Cali

Hi Cali. You know this really sucks! We didn't ask for any of this so why are we (BS's) the ones left holding on dealing with all the emotions and issues? I pray,feel strengthened, I cry, I feel weak and I go to counseling alone. Am I trying to hard? Wha's the answer. When do I begin to feel better. Know what I mean? <BR>cybil

Cybil...<P>Thank you for sharing your heart that is so full of pain right now. It is posts like yours....that keep me from going completely over the edge and inflicting the same kind of pain on my own wife and kids. I really appreciate you bearing you soul like that tonight.<BR>I pray that God will heal the brokeness and bring restoration for you.<P>

Hi, cybil and cali! I'm here too. Not really depressed, just lonely and bored. I guess we can have a real pity-party now. <P>Nope! Let's just be here for each other. It's ok to have a bad night.

Yeah, I know exactly...<P>even tonight, his own mother, who thought I should DO something drastic...thought my not calling and not coming home right after school was 'out of character.' I guess my H was very angry...<P>I guess he can join a very big club...at least I wasn't out s****** someone else.<P><BR>Cali

Thanks lighthouse I'm glad someone can see my pain and actually try to understand how it makes one feel. To bad it's not my own H. He is so in denial about everything. Why do I continue to allow myself to be set up for more pain and disappointment? As I said he is very angry with me. Says I do this to myself. Guess he thinks I enjoy feeling like this. I keep telling myself that my H is going to come out of this fog sooner or later but honestly I just don't know anymore.<BR>cybil

Yep...I was thinking that too Faith...I don't want to have a pity party...I want to have a "I will survive" party...."I will get stronger," I will...I will...I will...<P>Though, the few drinks I had this evening are making me tired...I'll probably poop out soon...<P>Cali

This is a poem I wrote the other night and wanted to share with you all. I showed it to my H tonight but got no response he actually seemed annoyed.<BR>Were you aware,do you care<BR>That our marriage is in deep dispair.<BR>I was blind I didn't see that you <BR>were in so much misery.<BR>You see my tears, I know you're fears.<BR>You make me cry with all your lies.<BR>You didn't tell me about her<BR>Was it a friend you were looking for?<BR>She makes you laugh and feel alive<BR>what about us will we survive?<BR>We grew apart, drifted away<BR>what happened to the us of yesterday?<BR>You say you have no fond memories of me and you<BR>that's all I have left to hold onto.<BR>You see my tears, I know your fears<BR>did we just grow comfortable through the years?<BR>I'm still your wife, you are my life,<BR>my heart and my soul.<BR>I always thought we would be together to grow old.<BR>You see my tears, I know your fears<BR>I hope and pray that maybe one day<BR>we will be able to find our way back to love.<P>cybil<BR>

Cybil,<P>I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. I have been there, and I'm still not in a place where I'm sure I won't be there again - but today I'm okay. You're not supposed to be able to let this go yet. The wound is too fresh and you keep being rewounded (last night). The fog that everyone speaks about here is sooo real, and while under it, your H is not somebody you recognize or even like. What he did last night was cruel - period! <P>But...having said all that, there's some very important things you need to be doing now. First of all, I see some positives in your story. He did apologize right away last night and was then worried about you afterwards. That signifies some feeling. Secondly, I'm the BS so I think I can say this...but maybe you really did have a hidden agenda when you "stopped by" last night. I remember looking for those excuses and circumstances. He needs to be shocked into reality and the best way you can do that is to become a strong confident person right now (even if it's just a facade at this point). Have a schedule that is suddenly different than he's accustomed to, wear something he's never seen before....you get the idea. Someone here once said something like "desparation is never attractive" - and I really took that to heart. The great benefit of this new strong person act is that the longer you "act" it the more it actually becomes real. And (and I know you know this) your children need a stable, strong force in their life right now. You can do this!<P>Very, very important - are you on antidepressants? If not, take care of this detail immediately. When you're in the depths of depression it's hard to even make the appointment to ask for meds, but without them it's almost impossible to pull it all together and make even the simplest of decisions. It's a "fog" of it's own, but it's a fog you have at least some control over. <P>Please don't think I'm minimizing your pain. When I was "there", I needed a voice of direction. I wish I had known about this site then. <P>Praying and thinking about you,<BR>AB <BR><p>[This message has been edited by almostbroken (edited August 31, 2001).]

We will survive! When H first left my theme song was Destiny's Child I'm a Survivor. Here it is after 5 mos. and my song should be I am a Crier!<BR>cybil

Tears cleanse and heal...cleanse and heal...be thankful for them...<P>Your heart will be cleansed and healed.<P>Cali

I don't need to talk.. just need a little vent. I hope you don't mind me using your thread cybil, but this isn't worthy enough to get it's own (hehehe).<P>H and I are working on the basement a bit tonight (I'm on a break to do dishes.. HA!), and he found a bunch of his clothes that need to be rewashed. Among them, was a pair of black satin boxer shorts with red lips all over them. Guess who they're from? OW#1. <P>I asked H if he would mind if I burned them. He said I could do whatever I needed to do. Hmmm.... <P>Here's my thought (evil thought..woohoo!!).. send them to OW#1's H, and tell him that my H doesn't need this gift from his W anymore. He can have them. ROLFMAO!! What do you all think??? hehehe (I doubt I'd actually go through with that. I'm thinking more realistically along the lines of giving them to the Salvation Army).<P>Karen<BR>

almostbroken I went to see the doc a few weeks ago and he gave me Zoloft I took it and I do know that you have to allow some time to avtually see the effects of the meds, however it made me very sick. I felt worse taking it then I did without the meds. I have another appt. next week. I do take Buspar for anxiety. I feel great for awhile and handle things pretty well I think but then just like that I am an emotional mess. It lasts for a day and then I feel okay again. Thanks for your concern and prayers. <BR>cybil

Beuatiful poem, cybil! I love it! i wish I could write poetry like that. (((((cybil))))) it says exactly how I feel.<P>I'll be a bit"un-original"... I will survive-style! <P>The tide is high, but I'm holdin' on... I'm gonnna be your number one... I'm not the kinda girl who gives up just like that... oh no, oh -oh. <P>Well, anyway... it inspires me! LOL<P>So, even if we have to give them up because of their stupid decision, we're still not the kinda girls who give up on ourselves! right?

Topie25 that's a good one! I know that we are all good loving people with good hearts and morals but it just amazes me some of the evil thoughts I have about OW. I know that I would never go through with any of them (okay maybe just one) he he but just having those thoughts scares me.<BR>cybil

Thanks Faith. I'm certainly not a poet I just started writing down what I was feeling and that's how it came to be. I'm seriously thinking about moving onto Plan B even having my cell# changed so that he can't contact during the day. I am so inconsistent so maybe if I do this he will begin to think about what he is losing. I have so much going on in my life I just don't know if I can do it right now. My father has cancer and is scheduled for surgery on Sept. 10th in N.Y. at Sloan, my son has been to the hospital twice this week for tests doctor thinks it may be his gallbladder. We're waiting on the results. So I'm kind of holding on to see what happens with everything else before I take the next step. I just don't know if I can handle any more stress.<BR>cybil

Bless your heart, cybil. more hugs..... <P>Read the prayer I posted for cali. It;s for all of us. I feel my situation is so terible, but it's nothing compared to what some of you are going through. <P>Don't make any decisions tonight about plan A or plan B. It may be time, indeed, but you need to be sure. The worst thing is waffling between the two. you need to plan A as loooonnnnnnggggg as you can. Even if it involves very little contact. But don't decide tonight.<P> i will add an extra prayer to my list for your father and son.

Speaking of evil thoughts...I have nude pictures of OW and email addresses of alllll of her friends and family. It's a fun fantasy, but I'd never go through with it (not tonight anyway )<P>Cybil - I'm glad you have an appt next week. All antidepressants are not the same, so don't give up! Celexa or Prozac would both be a good next-try. I prescribe a lot of Wellbutrin lately because of great patient feedback. <P>I also loved your poem - if I could only write, I could've written those same words. Post those to us though - your H is not in a place to deserve or appreciate it yet. <P>AB<P>[This message has been edited by almostbroken (edited August 31, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by almostbroken (edited August 31, 2001).]

What a beautiful poem....penned, I'm sure with the tears of your heart.<P>Thank you for sharing that.<P>I wish so much...that we could all find that 'magic wand' at times...and wave it and make all the pain and confusion go away. But I don't think such a wand exist.<P>I wish I could offer some reasoable explanation for your husbands behavior. I don't imagine he likes himself very much these days. I know his heart must be racked with guilt, shame, anger, defeat...and doesn't know how to cope with it. And if he doesn't much care for himself, it makes it hard to like, let alone love, anyone else. <BR>I don't know your story....other than it is one of many laced with tears and pain and rejection and sorrow.<P>I also like to believe that God always writes the last chapter of our lives. And he likes happy endings. <P>It may take awhile to get there...but hold on to Him...and hold on to hope.<P>