Okay, WH came home last night. Today is our anniversary. I had written him a letter and told him how I felt. He said he would back off with the other woman. He left son with his computer playing a cd and went to some friends. So I checked his work computer emails. It sounds like he has no intention of backing off and HE HAS SLEPT WITH HER. I'm tempted to call her and yell at her. She is a lawyer.<BR> After he read my letter, he said he didn't feel anything. I said I'd do anything to make things work out and he said....why didn't you do that 15 years ago? He makes everything my fault. I don't know what to do. We are supposed to go out to dinner tonight. He also made excuses not to make love to her....probably one of those "promises" he spoke of to OW in his email. Well, I brought the laptop in here and printed out all the letters for proof if needed. I have an appt with a councelor on Tuesday. I just can't believe he can lie to me so much. <BR>Oh, after he said he didn't feel anything last night after 4reading my letter, he said he shouldn't have come home. That literally froze my heart and I cried half the night. Today promised to be a good day and I find out he is still lying....what am I supposed to do? I won't be able to hide my feelings when he gets back.<BR> Should I let it all out? Its going to be a terrible weekend. I was really hoping he would go to the counselor with me Tuesday but I don't want to LB so he doesn't. I had hope before but now it seems hopeless. My kids are going to be simply devastated.<BR>Mikkey

Mikkey,<P>Calm down. Don't panick. Reread what you wrote:<P>". I had written him a letter and told him how I felt. He said he would back off with the other woman."<P>This is a start. Mikkey, he has feelings for her YOU don't have. He will not say all you want or need him to say. H will not be moved with only a letter. This is a slow and painful process. Your reaction is quite normal. <P>Now you have your evidence and it matches his words. He did not say he would stop. He probably can't yet and the fact that he can't lends itself to more truth than lie. <P>Now, do you need a quick pep talk? You can call me. Let me know. <P>L.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited September 01, 2001).]

Mikkey, <P>How are you doing? I have to run out and will be gone about 4 hours. Please keep posting. I see some are here today. OK? If you need to get ahold of me. Post a message to Jo. She has my numbers. <P>L.

[Yes, I'd like to call later. We are supposed to go out tonight with some other friends. I took a xanax and am going to try to pretend everything is all right for now. I need to be good so I can convince him to go to the counselor with me on Tuesday. Whatever else, I don't want to blow that. I won't let him know what I know. No, he has not admitted to being physical with her, and it sounds like he will continue his relationship no matter what. He said in his conversation last night that I should have thought of "doing anything" to help this marriage 15 years ago. What does that mean? He never said anything. He's the one that's been leading me on. Fifteen years ago we had our first child. I don't believe he regrets that because he has a good relationshhip with our kids. He doesn't realize he is really going to jeapardize this if he continues. He is in the other room talking to my uncle.<P>you can email me at mpaprp@hotmail to exchange phone numbers. I really appreciate it but don't know if i'll be able to get back on here today. Can you believe we go to a Bible believing church? Last week I couldn't sit with him and had to leave as he took a secone vehicle. I need to pray and need everyone's prayers to help me change my attitude and be loving and have the Lord convict him of this travesty. I am at a loss to wonder what I have done so wrong.<BR>Mikkey<P><BR>QUOTE]Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>Mikkey, <P>How are you doing? I have to run out and will be gone about 4 hours. Please keep posting. I see some are here today. OK? If you need to get ahold of me. Post a message to Jo. She has my numbers. <P>L. </B>[/QUOTE]<P>

Hi, <P>You got mail!!!! <P>L. <P>

What a day. Harrowing, depressing and hopeful. I wrote WH a note asking him if he knew what it feels like to be thrown out like garbage just because your not the perfect ten, to stop being selfish and not ruin his children's future happiness. I couldn't talk as my uncle was here, so WH came upstairs as I was crying and I had him read the note. He suggested a walk in the woods so we did that and really talked. He never has admitted in words that he got PA with her but he cried, asked forgiveness and said he'd work this out with me. Oh, he had had some chest pain when uncle was here and I brought him into the other room and said "Infidelity causes big time stress and stress causes chest pain, so if he wouldn't let me take him to the ER then I asked him if he would take an anti-anxiety pill.<BR> After he really got his emotions out in the woods we continued walking and he said he felt so much better and then proceeds to faint on me. Pow!! down on the ground! Got I was scared. He immediately came to and I listened to his heart. Couldn't decide to leave him and get help or stay with him, but he assured me he was alright. He said he thought it was all the emotions. So after about 10 minutes when he said something stinks and I told him he's probably lying in deer poop and rotting vegetation, he laughed and got up and we continued walking but I was so nervous. He would not let me take him to the ER. (He is on b/p medication and a cholesterol lowering med). Then this last night he kept c/o indigestion so took a pepcid ac. I really think he was having a gallbladder attack as he had key lime pie for lunch and lasagne when we went out with friends, (which we did have a good time BTW). So I have been up all night. At one point I told him if it continues I'm going to drag him to the ER or just call an ambulance.<BR> You know, its funny, he's the one always talking about getting his health together and living a long life and then this adultery stuff kinda sqaushed his whole efforts probably by about 50% at least. Anyway, everybody is sleeping now. He has agreed to go to the councelor on Tuesday with me. He still doesn't know that I know about the emails on his laptop. I need to get him to show me the password so he can be accountable to me. But I'm not going to work on that right now. He also says he wants me on the road with him more. That's not a problem with the two girls as we can take them, its a problem with the son who is in public HS. However, 'grandma is 3 blocks down the road and maybe he can do a occassional 3-4 day stint with her. I don't want the son to feel abandoned either. Thank you for your response. I probably will call you later today, after church. We are going skeet shooting with the boys. So, I am feeling better but I was crazy yesterday, just shaking, not able to function when I found those emails. I have to convince him to not even read them or answer her when she calls on his cellphone as he can identify the number by the caller ID.<BR>I feel so much better that I can come here and ventilate. Thank you.<BR>Mikkey

Morning Mikkey,<P>Well, you made it through that day, with even more stuff happening after you 1st posted. But you still made it through. Wow. I have a thread going about who the WS would call in case of an emgergency and that is what you had! Good thing your H was with you.<P>Glad to hear he is willing to talk about being with you and asking your forgiveness. Small steps Mikkey and some of them may go backward. To be forwarned is to be forarmed. Now that you know what can happen, be prepared. If it should step backward or he does get sick, you will be in a better position to know what to do since you are somewhat mentally prepared. <P>Take care and hoping for the best. <P>L.

Mikkey--<P>I have to 'research' your story so to speak...I haven't read any of your other posts...but I wanted to reply as you wrote some stuff on Chaz's post...<P>Orchid is great! She helped me tremendously when I first came on these boards in May...<P>You will go through tremendous ups and downs...they will lessen and even out as time goes on...but as I have just experienced a week of lows...I know that they will still occur...<P>The most important thing for you to do is focus on you...learn as much about you as you can...avoid talking about the A...finding about the A or, as I have had pounded into me this week...talking about your relationship...it is self-defeating and will only serve to make your lows lower and happen more frequently...<P>Now I am not saying put blinders on...I am merely saying that figuring out you and getting to the heart of your marital troubles are the most important issues...<P>There are many books out there...plus counseling and journaling that can serve as your path...posting here has been of tremendous help to me....you will find yours.<P>Take care...<P>Cali

Okay, An update. <BR>Here's my story : <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000998.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000998.html</A> Here I am at the computer when I should be sleeping. I am up and down. I am so fearful of losing him one moment and just sick to my stomach the next that he could have gone and done this. Also with a confirmed lesbian. UGH!!!!!!!! I called the one woman and she said she had never met him in person, just on the computer. I called another number that happened to be a hospital room and asked the current patient some questions. Poor lady, thought I was nuts, I explained I was checking up on numbers a WH was having affairs.<BR> WH finally came honest with me (I think anyway..some of it.) Says he's been physical 3 times and the last time was 2 weeks ago when he told her they had to break it off. He thought I'd never want to have anything to do with him again. I amaze myself, actually. I can't let 19 years go by and not love this man. He has so many good qualities. I just wished he would have communicated to me better before going off and doing this. each time he came home, he would pick a fight and drive me away. He also has a horrendous snoring problem. I have been traveling all over the house at night for the last 18 years trying to find a quiet bed and finally 2 years ago, fixed up a room (we built our own house and it isn't finished yet) for myself so I could get some sleep as I didn't want to keep disturbing him all night by having him "roll over"...ask him to change positions, etc. Turns out he misses a warm body. I can't be much of a wife without sleep. So, I am going to call a sleep clinic tomorrow and set up an appt for him to have an evaluation. This is all with his approval, of course. He has also agreed to go to councelling with me tomorrow as that is my first appt. It sounds hopeful but I am not getting my hopes up. today we had a wonderful day at the camp with the kids. They got to shoot the rifles, and had a cookout. WH and I read the first 2.5 chapters of "His Needs, Her Needs" together, and this morning we took a wonderful walk in the woods. He didnt faint this time but still has been complainig of tightness. He won't go to the ER and I suspect it really is the stress. I ended up crying today and told him that I was so afraid he was going to call her when he goes back to Virginia on Wednesday and the kids and I will be "dumped". He denies this of course. When in our morning walk, he also read the "honesty in Marriage" policy that I copied off the MB site for him. He said he agreed with it. I'm just afraid for him to have contact with her. Oh, and Orchid I also told him I read a story of how one WH got busted through company email, and lost his job because of it, so he better be careful of what he puts on his email and what she also emails to him. He assures me there will be no more contact, but I am truly skeptical.<BR> So, I have taken my xanax, and the zoloft and here I am dead tired, but unable to sleep. I will be getting up at 6:15 and going to the gym. WH is going to get the girls up and start them on their homework. We will go out to camp and do that in the morning after I get home from the gym.<BR>He has been very affectionate towards me and although I love it, I can't seem to really think it is real. I am in a daze most of the time.<BR>Calligirl---I too have the 3 c-section body, nursed my kids till they were up to 3.5 and 5 years old. WH doesn't see all the little things I do for him as proof of my affection. Instead he starts fights and I distance myself. So sad. I never realized how much I loved him until I am at the very real possibility of losing him. I can't also understand how he can be so selfish and not things of the devastation this would do to his kids. I think men in general are selfish. He says life is too short to go through it unloved. Its not that I don't love him I'm tired of being left to feel that I get all the scraps in life. <BR> I am waiting for my STD tests to come back this week. I haven't had sex in a long time and I really need it from him to have him show me he really loves me. He won't, probably some promise he made to her. He wanted to take a picture of me at the lake today and although he did, he asked why I didn't want to. I told him because he doesn't like the way I look. I don't want it on his screen, comparing me to her. Well, I guess I need to go read my Bible a little and then try to sleep some more.<BR>Hoping against hope that things get better. I'm in the fog myself, I think.<BR>Mikkey

Yep...we're all in a fog of sorts...you are also going through the stages of grieving...Orchid...or anyone...can post you a nice link...but it is basically the stages of grieving one would go through regarding a death...<P>denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance...<P>You will find yourself moving through these stages...until ultimately you keep finding your way to acceptance sooner and stay there longer....<P>It is a tough thing...but you can get through it...read the Harley's books...Plus I read "Power of a Praying Wife,""Secrets of the Vine,""The Way of Agape," "The Four Agreements,"and "The Mastery of Love." These books helped me get a good perspective on myself an the changes I need to make in my life.<P>Good Luck...<P>Cali