I should have posted here weeks ago. It is hard to talk to friends, because it puts them in an awkward position. About the middle of June I found out my wife of almost 17 years had been having a year long affair. They were planning to meet the next day when I found out. It was with a man she had met in her chat room. She has been a heavy chat room user for about 3 years.<P> I knew we were having communication problems, but didn't know how to address them. The more she chatted the more I withdrew, and the more I withdrew, the more she chatted. It was a vicious cycle. I have had problems in the past in managing my anger/ temper. I knew it was causing serious resentments on her part. I would supress my anger and then have a major outburst. Then the cycle would repeat itself. I knew about a year ago, I had to start making changes or was going to lose my family. I made 180 degree turnaround in not only my anger management, but other parts of my life as well. I became more affectionate and helpful around the house. However, her resentments ran so deep that she could not even receive the affection.<P> Since my knowledge of the A, we have been in therapy. it seems we take a step forward and 2 steps back. I am frustrated because it seems that most of the effort is coming from me. She is no where close to meeting me halfway. I am the BS, yet I am the one making all the changes and chasing her. She has been unable to let her self get close to me. She keeps hanging on to old resentments. How do we get past that point? Or better yet when? It has been almost 3 months since I found out. I have been working night and day trying to put it back together. She has not matched my intensity. I know I am as much to blame for the A, but what can I do to help her put these resentments behind her and get her to open her heart to me again? I need that emotional connection back more than anything. She knows that, but says she doesn't know if she can give it to me.<P> Help?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Burned

Burned:<P>Welcome! You have come to the right place. Are you familiar with MB principles? Have you read Harley's Surviving an Affair? It is an absolute must-read. Order from this site or go to a bookstore.<P>If you have not studied the page on this web site about Plan A, please do ASAP. If you want more discussion about Plan A issues, there is a forum here for that. Or post again, and we can give you a quick rundowm until you have time to read.<P>There is much reason to hope for the improvement of your marriage. Congratulations for the courage to make the changes you have already made in yourself. You are setting off on a road that is likely to be very long, but have courage. It will get better. Right now, know that many others here understand exactly what you are feeling and will be here to help.<P>Start today by reading everything on the Marriage Builders site about infidelity and affairs, especially Plan A. Get Surviving and Affair. Also a great book by Harley called His Needs, Her Needs. They are our "bibles" around here.<P>Meanwhile, know that you are on the right path to healing your marriage. Take Care.

Hey neighbor! (I'm in Dallas)<P>Often, the BS does end up doing the majority of the work at first. Seems unfair, but the BS is the one still most committed, and most able to do the work. Don't worry, it generally turns at some point. But first she has to see enough evidence of change to really convince her to let you back into her heart. It takes time & consistency.<P>Hang in there, it sounds like you are on the right track...<P>Kathi

Hi Burned:<P>Welcome. I'm another neighber (East Texas}. You've been given some good starting advise and I hope you'll do what's been advised especially all the background information on infidelity and Plan A. <P>I see that your attempts to change yourself began basically about the same time as the affair (chat) did. You evidently experienced some sense of withdrawal by your wife and have made an attempt to make things right. This is basically what you will be doing in Plan A...more of the same...with particular attention to WS emotional needs...one of which probably is conversation and attention as shown by her dependence on chat rooms for same.<P>As to her continuing resentment over your anger...that is something I've had experience with...my WH had problems with high blood pressure rages...nothing physical or abusive but rages that necessitated walking on egg-shell around him and avoiding involving him in too many everyday activities of the household...because he couldn't take it.<P>He has finally gotten these rages under medical control and now cannot see how they have effected our relationship...to him they were out of his control and he should not be blamed for them...I feel they still hurt and our lifes were conformed too much to compensate for them. Although I don't blame him for them...that they effected our relationship in a negative way is a fact and needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. He has effectively excluded himself from the family because he would not deal with his anger and its consequences.<P>Years of this have taken their toll...and he is so different now...but OW is getting the benefit of it...not me. We are negotiating the repair of our marriage...but it took at long time to get to where we are and it will take a long time to do what is necessary to rebuild the marriage. The same is true of your marriage...a year of change is just a drop in the bucket as far as she's concerned...a start...give her some time to realize that this change is permanent for you...and not just a product of your fear of losing her. <P>Your wife's in a glorious place...a place where she's respected, cherished, able to be who she really is, loved and accepted...where she feels wonderful about herself...you are asking her to give all that up to go back to what has been for her a world of hurt...can't you understand her reluctance. But if she has ever loved you...then eventually that love will reassert itself...after you have carefully nutured her EN's again to the point where she is willing to give you another chance.<BR>All it takes is time.<P>Good Luck...and come back and let us know what's happening.<P>Faye<P>

Just had to say this must be a Texas thing. We saw the big TX and had to jump in. I'm from west Texas, y'all.<P>Let us hear from you, Burned.<BR>

Just to add more points to the compass, I'm from SE Texas (Houston). I will second (or third) the notion that you've had good advice.<P>Here's one good link to read about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>, or you can just follow the links at the top of the page.<P>Do you think that you can identify her top LB's (in addition to your anger) and her top EN's? That would be a good start, which I suspect that you've probably already made.<P>Hang on, it's a rough ride, but I think that you can do it. The main things are consistency and perseverance.<P>Steve

Thanks for all the support and letters from my fellow Texans!!!! Today was not a good day in therapy. Instead of trying to get her to match my intensity, therapist wants me to back off. He spent 45 of our 50 minute session with just her, while I sat in the waiting room. I have read"Surviving the Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs", and about a dozen other books. All have been helpful in some way or another.I just don't understand. W and the Therapist are telling me not to over analyze everything. Well, if she would communicate from her heart and let me know what is going on in her head, then I wouldn't have to analyze anything!!!!!<P> Anyway, please keep your support letters coming. They are helping me stay out of trouble. I am very vulnerable right now, and don't want to seek console from the wrong place!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Burned

Howdy ya'll, I'm a fellow Texan, too, from North Texas. Although I don't know why they think Dallas is in "North Texas".......I guess it would be if you cut off the Texas Panhandle....but I digress.......<P>I may be out of line here, but if your counselor is telling you to back off and is spending separate time with your spouse, that doesn't sound kosher to me. Our marriage counselor DID want to see us individually, but we SCHEDULED those separate appointments, so no one was left "waiting" in the lobby. Perhaps you should consider changing? We went through several before we found a good one....Steve Harley. If you are spending your time focusing on the MB principles (and btw, that is a VERY good idea), then you really need a counselor who is going to take both of you in that same direction. I think that was our major problem, our previous counselors seemed to just be "rambling", going nowhere, no plan.<P>But that's just my two cents. I could be wrong...<P>I hope things work out for you, I truly do.<P>Blessings,<BR>B<P><BR>

Hello Burned,<P>Under "Articles" on this web site there are two articles, one on marriage coaching and the other on how to find a marriage counselor. They are helpful.<P>As my son (BS) and DIL were separating, he was trying so hard that she complained that he was smothering her, that she needed space - typical rhetoric for the WS but true. In the beginning too much pressure can cause WSs to withdraw. Your W may not be open to hearing you yet. As son began to hold back, she started contacting him.<P>I know it's hard to plan A and get nothing in return. Try to be patient. It will take awhile. Right now, work on yourself and let your W learn to trust you again.<P>Best wishes...<P>PS: My son has a marriage counselor who knows MB principles and a Christian counselor and his priest. DIL has her set of counselors in the other state when she lives.<BR>Long-distance counseling is not working very well, as you might imagine.

Thanks again for all the support, especially yours Buffy( and by the way, I am in East Texas also)it was most helpful. I'll try to keep everyone updated. She knew I wasn't happy after yesterday's session. She tried to be close and affectionate, but it seemed so fake. Will it ever feel natural again?<P>------------------<BR>Burned