Lor<BR>Could I get your opinion please?<BR>I know you have alot of experience with WH going back and forth. In your situation, do you think it was something you did that brought your WH home for good or was it more just that the A had finally run it's course? Or was it some of both?<P>I sometimes think that no matter what I do it will not affect him and that all there is to do is sit by and wait for this thing to end. I guess that's what plan B is about but I still wonder about the limited contact I have with him and how I should behave at these times.

Hi Maezy:<P>I'm certainly not Lor...but I think I can answer your question...I think it's a little bit both ways...WH is usually so heavily into the fog that little we do penetrates through but as things progress I think WH edges nearer and nearer the boundaries of the fog such that they are more aware of what is really going on...those are the times when the impact of our Plan A type changes are possible...before WH either wanders back into the fog or is pulled back by OW.<P>I think as the lure of OW lessens with time and everyday life and WH spends more time outside the fog, he will make more effort to make contact with you...tenative of course at first...all of this contact needs to be of a Plan A/non LB nature on your part...even in Plan B. I still see myself as a safe harbor...a place to come home to...and I prepare myself for that eventuality in the best way I can...by building a better me.<P>Faye

buffy<BR>Thanks for your responce. It makes sense. If I can just concentrate on myself, it will work out. That's the hard part, letting it go and concentrating on myself.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...as things progress I think WH edges nearer and nearer the boundaries of the fog such that they are more aware of what is really going on...those are the times when the impact of our Plan A type changes are possible...I think as the lure of OW lessens with time and everyday life and WH spends more time outside the fog, he will make more effort to make contact with you...tenative of course at first...all of this contact needs to be of a Plan A/non LB nature on your part...even in Plan B. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'd like to thank you, Buffy, for answering Maezy's question, cause I'm in the same place. I only have contact w/WH if I call HIM, which I try NOT to do much, since I have to call him at her house. But I am following "Queen Lostva's" program, and I write Plan A-type cards and letters frequently.<P>I would also like to make a few other comments, and ask a couple of other questions, even tho I'm butting into Maezy's thread here:<P>From everything everyone else who talks to him says, he sounds "perfectly normal" and as if he has moved on to a new life, and is perfectly fine with it!! He just LEFT. Yes, went to a lawyer, had d papers sent, for a quickie, uncontested d., which I refuse to sign, but it's never come up in conversation (we've had two, both about the leaky pipe).<P>BTW - my friend had occasion to talk to him about another matter we had unfinished when he left - and she thinks his<BR>"moving forward" to deal with this unfinished business of ours is his way of "moving on" - taking care of old business before getting on with his life....*I* think it's a way of "moving closer to home" in an unthreatening (to him) way, by taking care of unfinished business that he previously didn't care about! When he moved out, he left a note that said, "Direct all correspondence to my atty."<BR>And now, 3 1/2 months later, he will take my calls, and is even willing to deal with this latest legal matter with my best friend (she's a paralegal, and handling the letter-writing for us).<P>This sounds more to me like what you are describing: "tentative contact" than distancing. What think ye?<P>Thanks! Again, sorry for horning in on Maezy's thread....it's just easier to ask a related question than start a whole new thread with just one little question!<P>Lupo<BR>

Lupolady<BR>If only there was some way to get inside their heads, or at least get them to say what they're thinking! I'm like you also in that he has asked me for lunch (only after I've called him first) last week and it was business related, so we had a pleasant time together talking about buying me a new house. He seems very opinionated about what house I should buy, considering he's living with his OW.<P>I wonder if this is an 'in ' for him or if he's just being friendly to ease his guilt and I'm reading too much into it. Likely, he doesn't even know himself.<P>It leaves me in a difficult situation of not knowing if I should go back to plan B or continue to try to involve him in my house shopping. I don't know if I really even want to move.<P>You sound like you have a good formula with your plan A letters.Do you get tempted to push for more?

Maezy,<BR>It was almost 2 years from the beginning of H's PA to when he had his change of heart. Another couple of months before he could convince me and we could work it out to reconcile. <P>6 prior reconciliations that didn't work, though each a learning experience. <P>The OW had told him to get lost for about the 2nd time, though she probably wouldn't have stuck to it even though dating his former housemate. The 2 last separations were AFTER the affair was over, though there was a little work contact & excuses to contact.<P>I wanted a divorce because I didn't want to try any more--and wasn't trying, 18 months was long enough in Plan A. I guess it was the dread "drained lovebank". Though I was amicable & polite when we saw each other and agreed to family outings. I failed at Plan B twice before, so on my counselor's recommendation I acted "as if" divorced with him. I put on firm boundaries on visitation, his dropping by the house, when he could call (no middle of the night calls--if he didn't want to live with me, I wasn't going to be the one who comforted him anymore.). I felt & showed every intention of moving on with my life without him <P>Our then 14 year old had nothing but distain for my H. <P>My H hit bottom.<P>He did post here on GQII in Feb 00 as Guard if you want to read his own words.<P>I think putting in time in Plan A is very important, but not so long that you experience the "drain". If I had not done Plan A...I doubt my H would have believed I loved him enough for him to come back. He knew it was serious when I quit and followed through with quitting. <P>And it was. I planned to divorce. So, I can't really advise people to do that part of what I did, because if you serve D papers, you actually should want a divorce because it is far more likely you will get one than reconcile, as we did.<P>How you should act now? Polite, friendly, no door mat stuff. I think it was important for us that when my H finally really wanted to come home that he did his part, he proved his intention by no contact with the OW, giving me email & voicemail passwords, being accoutable, not going to bars. He had a pretty lonely life for a couple months, but he used the time to sort himself out. Nothing you can do for your H, all things he would have to do for himself.<P>But, my H was a true fence-sitter for almost that whole time. He told her he was divorcing and loved her, told me he loved me and didn't want a divorce, he didn't ever see a lawyer. And carried that out for close to 2 years as he moved in and out of the house, stopped & started seeing her 3-4 times, then kept in contact when he said he was not.<P>He's a completely different, honorable man now, from then.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thanks Lor! Wow! I read some of your H's posts. You have been through alot. I'm so happy it worked out for you.<P>Do you mind if I ask -was it jealousy that brought him to his senses.??My adult kids keep telling me that if I had another man, it would bring him back to reality more than filing for D would.<P>I know this can be dangerous and is probably not recommended by MB but it's bound to happen that I will eventually meet someone else if he continues with his A.<BR>Then it might be too late.<P>Thanks again for your responce.

Maezy,<BR>Adding another OP is not MB recommended, and personally I can't recommend it either, as reconciliation becomes even less likely. Who meets the BS's ENs less than a WS? ANYBODY seems nice after awhile. Even if you do reconcile after BS becoming WS, then both spouses have all the pain/betrayal/guilt/remorse/accountability issues of being both BS & WS. <P>Tough stuff to get through.<P>I suppose jealousy was part of Guard's mix for his change of heart. But...he began encouraging me to "find somebody" because I "deserved more" almost 1 1/2 years before I did. So, earlier I didn't want to, and it may have had no effect on my H. It's likely we'd be divorced had I dated instead of 18 month Plan A.<P>I still hadn't planned for it to be more than a friendship until the last separation when I just lost desire to work on my marriage...and, indeed, we all know we shouldn't have opposite sex friends to whom we tell our marital troubles, so I can't say I didn't know what door I was opening.<P>It was a difficult relationship to end, losing someone who met my ENs to try again with my H, who had hurt me so badly. In the end, OM was hurt. I was hurt. H was hurt.<P>Be good and truly done with your marriage (which I thought I was) and legally divorced before (which I was in the process) before adding another person into the mix.<P>Ok, I'm off the soapbox, but you *asked* .