Since I am very new to this board, I am going tostart by retelling my circumstances as concisely as possible:<P>I have been reading these posts for a few days, and have decided to get enough courage to write my own. About 4 weeks ago, I came home from work as usual. My wife was in the kitchen, so I walked up behind her and gave her a kiss on the back of the neck. She leaned into me turned her head and smiled. I went upstairs to put my things away. While I was there, I decided to see if I had any e-mail. I saw a paper lying beside the computer, so I glanced at it. I looked again, and realized that I was looking at a love letter she had been composing. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that it was not for me. I walked downstairs numb. My wife asked me what was wrong. I said that there was a letter lying next to the computer. She turned pale. My life changed in that moment. Much has been said since then, and many revelations have come to light. She is still in what I have seen described here as "the fog". The OM involved here is my next door neighbor, who is living there with his grandparents in an arrangement of room and board in exchange for his help in alowing them to maintain their home. He is single, never married, and 10 years my wifes junior. This man is unemployed and home most of the day. My wife has also been home through most of the summer. We have been married for 18 years, and have no children still in the home. I have 2 sons from a previous marriage, who are both now on their own.<P>My wife has told me that the OM has become cool towards her, saying that he has no desire to break-up a marriage. My wife is in great emotional turmoil. She says that to be able to think through the situation, she needs to remove herself from the close proximity of the OM. She wants to move to a friends house to spend nights, but come home for a period of time during the day to have meals, do laundry, etc., while I am at work. This is an extrordinary situation, and I am at a loss. We are currently in marital counciling, even though "the fog" still exists. The councilor has asked us to come to the next session with a written expression of what a "temporary" separation would look like to us. Can anyone help me sort through any of this, or add perspective? My previous marriage of many years ago also was torn apart in the same way, and I am not sure I can relive it all over again.<P>Now to the present:<P>This morning we went to the counseling session as planned. My wife revealed to our counselor her plan for the separation. She is now back to work. She is a half-time employee, and will be at work from 8:00 am until 1:00 pm. My work schedule has me leaving home at 10:00 am and working until 6:00 pm. Her plan is to stay at a friends house in the evenings, go to work, and then come home to our house to at 1:00 to be with her cats, have a meal, do laundry, and household chores, but leave before 6:00 and my coming home. It has now been revealed that this time is for herself to weigh options, do self-examination, but most of all to be away from me. She says that she feels incredible grief and sadness, which is a combination of confusion over her feelings for the OM and what she should do about that, and the pain that she knows she has caused me. She is looking for a way to be own her own to process everything. The counselor basically told her that this plan was unacceptable. That if she was going to leave, she should leave. That leaving half-way only prolonged the agony for me, and delayed her ability to accomplish what she says she is trying to do. This made her incredibly angery. I have told her that I know I have no power in her decision to leave, but that it is not something that I desire. She feels that she was "ganged-up on", and informed me afterwords that that if I "force her out of her home" in this way that there will be no more communication between the two of us, and that she would not be coming back. I told her that this was not my wish, but that there may be a way in which by changing the language and parameters of the situation we could come to a compromise. I suggested that we change the language from separation to get-away, or better yet a time-out, with an agreed upon length of time upon which we would then look further at where we were. This seemed acceptible to her, so we may begin that process of looking at how that might work this evening. I do know that a separation goes against the advice of as far as I know of everyone whom she has confided in. It expands the "circle of knowledge" almost infinitely, since as soon as the neighbors know, there will be no stopping it. Also, what of the consequences of her OM's grandparents finding out? They are in their eighties and have been and are my friends for the last 17 years. My wife during this time of the affair (which by the way as she tells it has been going on all this summer) has extremely intensified her reaching out to them. It is as if she has been not only trying to see him, but to deposit "love units" with them to make them more accepting of the situation if and when they find out. As an example, yesterday, I was grilling brats outside. She called out and asked if they were finished. I said that they were. She then appeared with a plate. I assumed she wanted them all to take inside. Instead, she proceeded to place three of them on a plate and disappear next door. She said as she left "don't worry, he's not home, I'll be right back". This severely set me back and it was very difficult for me to deal with. When she returned several minutes later, she could tell that I was upset. I asked her why three? She said she couldn't be rude, that they wouldn't understand if she didn't take one for him also. She did the same thing on my birthday 2 weeks ago with my birthday cake immediately after it was cut, while my family was there. The next morning she went back over again with the explanation that she just wanted to see if they liked it! I'm rambling, and I'm sorry. Could this separation be more of an attemp to prove something to the OM than to evaluate us? It would demonstrate that it is "over" for us; that he is not breaking up a marriage, even that I may have "kicked her out". Her wanting to be home in the afternoon, and to leave before I come home from work opens both days and evenings to be with him. Not a given, but it is hard to delete these possibilities from my mind. Strictly a private issue for me is the state of my mental health. As I am adjusting to medications, and working through severe depression, having her leave would intensify the problem. Again, she has said that one of the reasons she needs to leave is that she can't stand being here with me knowing how much she has hurt me. This in spite of the fact that leaving is the deepest wound of all. God knows my heart, and realizes that I am sincere in wanting to work at and make changes in my life and marriage. Leaving takes away any chance that we would have had to process and work through issues, and making serious strides. It seems that that chance will be replaced with loneliness and regret, and an overwhelming sense of what could have been. She said this morning that I have been working very hard, and that I have been "very good" in communicating my feelings and respecting her needs, wishes, and space. Her problem is in not being able to trust the change. Will it last, etc. This is where the time and paitence come in. It is very hard as I've read here to love someone when they not only don't love you back, but demontrate that their love is for another. I can only hope to hang on until my real wife returns. Until then, hope is my watchword. Love is more than a feeling or emotion. Emotions and feelings can change as quickly as the weather. Love is much a matter of the mind and will. A combination of the heart AND the head. Thanks for listening.<P>BrokenH<P>
