I don`t post much, but I lurk almost everyday. I`m feeling so lost right now. I need advice.<P>My d-day was Jan. 2000. H has been feeding me lines for 19 months now. I have asked him to leave on many occasions, go to her I`ve told him, leave and let me get on with my life. He wouldn`t go. Finally in Aug. he left and I began plan B. He was gone for 5, yes 5 days, and came back home.<P>Don`t blast me on that, I know I should have said NO!!! I just couldn`t. I want him here so much. He said he hadn`t given me a chance and he couldn`t stand the look on our son`s face everytime he left.<P>I guess I forgot to mention that he has had continued contact with OW. He works with her. She was through with him (he said) because of the way he has treated me i.e. not leaving, not really staying, just doing nothing. She was encouraging him to make his marriage work. Anyway, when he left and then came back 5 days later she told him to have a good life and she won`t speak to or look his way at all. I think she is doing the no contact thing.<P>Last week he found out she has a boyfriend and he was very upset. So he is in withdraw. The thing is, now I suffer even more because he is so upset over this that he just isn`t here.<P>I keep wondering if I`m fighting a losing battle. I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to lose. I`m just so tired of all of this that I feel like giving up.<P>On the other hand, he does little loving things for me. When he left, he took his pillow and I just could not stop crying. I`m not sure why, it was just a pillow, but he put it back and said I`ll leave it.<P>He helps with dinner and dishes and does all the stuff we use to do until it comes to intimacy. He gives me a peck and a hug each morning before going to work and that is as far as it goes. <P>We don`t talk about us we just exsist here together. He won`t go to counseling or come here or anything else to help himself.<P>I`m at a lose as what to do. I know that for him this is just starting and I`m sure that is what is so hard for me. I`ve been at it for 19 months now.<P>I want my marriage, but at what cost? I have been plan Aing since he came back (and before he left) He has opened up to me on a few occasions. Somethings are positive. What should I do? I just don`t know anymore. Someone out there have some sound advise??? Please let me know.

I think you should look at the positive aspects of these recent events. The OW is moving on. This is good news for you and your H. Now, maybe you can work on your marriage and not have to worry about OW. <P>I don't have much else to say, I haven't experienced anything like your situation. I just wanted to say, hang in there, go to counseling by yourself if you have to, don't let your H keep you from going, maybe he will end up going in the future. Give it some more time and keep plan Aing if you can, this could be the turning point for you. Good luck.E

ilh,<P>We are all "shipmates" on this rocky boat called life.<BR>The Pirates seem to have so much control over us.<BR>Paddling as fast as we can and getting nowhere.<P>I love my H too. But I also hate wht he has done.<BR>My H was only able to leave or a few days, I too cried & was thrilled to let him back in. <BR>He's still here, but not much is better. It is so hard. We are all going through the same sh**. And it really STINKS !

Hi ilovehim:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I keep wondering if I`m fighting a losing battle. I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to lose. I`m just so tired of all of this that I feel like giving up.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>No, you're fighting withdrawal...and after 19 months I afraid the withdrawal could last a while...but if you can accept that then there might be things you can do that might hasten the end of the withdrawal.<P>We've been fighting this battle for about the same time period (me..the most recent battle...I've had others)...and I haven't even gotten to withdrawal yet. Please don't do what I did the first time and shut down and expect him to bridge the gap (even if he did create it)...because he may never try....guilt, fear of rejection, whatever....they stand in the his way too....and throw in a little bit of feeling sorry for himself over the lost of OW...that's a potent mix for things not to make much movement.<P>Anger is not going to help...the only thing that is likely to help is a loving acceptance of what small steps he is able to take...small at first I would think...but greater steps later when withdrawal lessens.<P>I think you should give him credit for his consistency through all this...he has not given in to leaving you or divorcing you...in the face of fearing the lost of OW as a result of his continuing to stay in the marriage....a justifiable fear in the wake of events. To him...face it...he has given up a lot to stay married...give him time to really let it go....all he needs is your support in the next fews months...then maybe he'll be ready to move on.<P>I know you're tired...but to stop now would be to give up when the end is in sight...and at least you are free of OW now...and positive change is possible now...given time.<P>Faye<P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 04, 2001).]

Thanks for your replies.<BR>SEM, I do try to look at the positve aspects of this mess. I keep trying to listen to what he does as opposed to what he says. That is one thing I learned early on. What he was doing has never matched what he said, even from the beginning.<P><BR>Louser, You are right, this does STINK. I hate every minute of it. I have learned alot about myself and I see that as a good thing.<P>Buffy, I do give him credit for all that he does do. I let him know it all the time. When I thank him for help with dinner or dishes, he always replies with your welcome, but it`s no big deal. If only he knew what a big deal it is to me.<P><BR>So guys, I want to talk to hin about anything and everything, what do you think of me doing just that? I fear it maybe a LB, but isn`t what I need important to? <P>I wish I could make him understand that his feelings are not going to just magicly come back ( this is what he thinks will happen) I have told him do the acts and the feelings will come. He just thinks that if he loved me then he would just feel it.<P>He forgets what it was like in the beginning for us. At least that is what he wants to believe. Thanks everyone for being here. I don`t know where I`d be without God and this site in my life. Have a great day

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ilovehim:<BR><B>I wish I could make him understand that his feelings are not going to just magicly come back ( this is what he thinks will happen) I have told him do the acts and the feelings will come. He just thinks that if he loved me then he would just feel it.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>19 months and now he goes into withdrawal, go figure...This is rocky but if you can tough it out you may make it...his withdrawal will be tough to go through but he needs to do that to put it all behind him.<P>The quote above is a perfect example of some of the stuff you can read in the book "After the Affair." It talks alot about how important it is to "act like you are in love even if the feeling isn't quite there yet." There are a lot of other good points for you and your WS. I encourage you to get a copy and read it. The feelings won't magically come back but they can come back if you work at it...<P>good luck <P>E <P>