At times it feels like we are in recovery and H will talk about some future ideas and then other times he talks about leaving. After two weeks of him calling the OW every work day and then expecting me to visit & be "normal" with a weekend with his family, I have a lot of questions.<P>I told H if he expects me to be able to at least handle the weekend that I would like him to at least "fake" at least some private concern toward me. I have thought to myself that it would be no problem because for the last 2 years I feel he was able to fake a marriage. It seems the fake word took him for a loop.<P>I want to call the OWH to see if he is getting the same stories I hear. H tells me he is possibly suicidal - I don't know, if this is just to keep me from calling. I do know OWH only knows about current A & not her past A's.<P>Have you called? - What happened? - What was your S's response?<BR>

OW#1 and I were friends for over 2 yrs prior to her A with my H (which became PA after I kicked him out of the house).<P>I most certainly called OW#1's H to tell him what was going on. But that is the one and only time we spoke. In my case, I was given the big shrug off, and told to stop lying and mind my own business and worry about my own problems and not make any for others. I just pity him all the more now, b/c he is choosing to be blind to his W's promescuity (my H wasn't the first, and IMO won't be the last).<P>But by the sounds of it, the OWH in your situation already knows about the A. Hopefully you will get some answers from those on here who were/are BS's working together to get their WS's back home.<P>Karen<BR>

Yes, I called OW's H. I do not regret it. He had NOT received the same story I had, the OW had not even told him anything about the A, while my H told me that both of them were "confessing" at the same time. <P>My H was angry about it, but not as angry as he was when I called OW and told her to stay away from my H. It DID put doubts in my H's head about the OW, because OW lied to my H and said she told her H everything. Apparently she did not. <P>Lies, lies and more lies. I guess you have to be prepared for the OWH to be angry with you.....alot of people would probably tell you not to call. It's a personal decision.<P>Good luck,<BR>B<BR>

The OW [his former GF] was under the impression that my husband and I were getting divorced and were just "waiting for the papers to come through." When I contacted her and told her the truth, that there had never even been a fight, much less plans to divorce, she was so disgusted with my husband that she emailed him and told him off! <P>She has become a fairly good friend of mine since. He had not slept with her or seen her since we had been married but was pursuing her on the internet [she lives several states away]. I have no doubt that it would have led to something more had I not intervened. He has been a perfect angel since I confronted him and feels very ashamed of what he did. But I am very glad that I contacted her because now I know where she is coming from and know she won't have anything to do with him. If she hadn't handled it so well, I would have contacted her husband without a doubt.

Actually I contacted only 1 out of 4.<P>She totally denied it, but gave her sleezy self away when she asked "Did he say I was good ?"<P>YUCK !! Of course I didn't think fast enough and said "Oh he said you were great, the best." If I had told her the contrary maybe she would have gotten angry enough to confess. I knoe she never told her H and I want badly to tell him, I haven't because I certainly don'y want him to feel like I do, but why should I be the only one suffering for what she & my H did.<P>The other OW was the longest A & the one my H refuses to tell al about. It was his secretary & I know her sister pretty well. From the start I have told my H that I talked to her & she told me every detail...He only has confessed because I totally bluffed him. I would still like to call her.<P><BR>Last weekend I drove my OW #1 house, it was 10+ years ago that the PA took place, but she still lives there. Drove around a few times, felt like a stalker & wnt home. I really wanted to talk to her...too afraid. She's single (no one to hurt) aLSO THE long term OW was single when the affair happened so I can't see why talking to her would hurt her H now.

Yes I contacted the OW as soon as i found out about her and she lied and said she had no idea as to what I was talking about. I even called her house talked to her H once. She convinced her H that I was crazy and that she and my H were just friends. What a B****! I've given up on calling her house it's not worth it. From what I hear her H is now suspicious. One way or another the truth will come out. As i've said before what goes around comes around. That wentch will get hers just as Topie25's Xfriend did. I know it sounds hateful but I want her life to be ruined just as mine has been ruined, my kids lives. The B**** gets to see my H (only EA that I'm aware of) talk to him daily and then go home to her H and resume her happy little life. It's a tough decision just make sure whatever you do it's legal and that you can't get in any trouble. <BR>cybil

I see nothing wrong with telling. Don't you wish someone had told you about your spouse before it got to this ?

After D-Day, I called the OW and told her that I knew that she was messing around with my H (in not so nice of words)...and that she better stay away. I also called her some profanities (which described her perfectly) and hung up on her.<P>I called the OW right in front of my H. He didn't seem to care if I did or not.<P>My H & I have been 2-1/2 years into recovery and I still to this day, do not regret telling the OW off. Since I never met her or ever saw her, I did want her to be aware that I am the wife and that I do exist.

Thanks for all of your imput - It has really helped.<BR>I keep asking myself - If I call what would I gain besides it being a major LB. I don't think I will talk to OW yet, but I am going to call OWH Fri. H doesn't talk to her on weekends - just at work on the phone. I also have counseling tonight.<P>Right now he is in a down time, maybe because I requested that when he talks to her he should take his wedding ring off. <P>I see more truth coming from OWH. My thoughts are OWh is suicidal (her words through H) because he does not now all the truth. <BR>I know I felt so unsure when things just did not add up.

The OM in my case in single, so I cannot answer about talking to the OMW.<P>But, I did confront him once. I told him, "I would never wish what you have done to me on anyone. But, if this ever happens to you, or to anyone you care about, I want you to remember what you did to me." He did not say a word, and just drove off.<P>My W told me that he told her that he did not respond because he knew I was right. Apparently he does not believe that enough to quit trying to get her to leave me...<P>That was the only thing that I have wanted to say to him. I felt better to get it off of my chest, but I do not know if it really made anything better.

Exploding,<P>I really can relate to your frustration and desire to confront or get answers.<P>Read this post, same topic being dicsussed here and in there you'll find a link to yet another post on this subject.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004332.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004332.html</A> <P>Take your time to figure this out.<BR>-she-

I have contacted OM on several occassions. The first was by email. This is when he and my W first started talking to each other by phone. I told him of my concern. He wrote back and said that his interest in my W was strictly as friends and that he is happily married and would not to do anything to jeopardize that. My W has since told me told me that he is VERY unhappy with his marriage.<P>The second time I called him. This was when the email correspondance between he and my W were getting inappropriate. I called him and told him that I wished that they would stop communicating. He told me no problem and that he recognized that my W was suffering from low self-esteem and would never take advantage of somebody like that and that he realized that the emails were getting out of hand.<P>The next time I talked to him was in the height of the A. They were calling each other multiple times a day and he was coming down to our city on business trips. This time I was very angry. It started by me telling my W that I didn't believe that OM and his W were still together. She asked if I wanted to ask him myself and I said yes. She called him on her cell phone and I talked to him. I asked if he was still with his W and he said yes. I then told him to leave mine the *&(% alone. He said that my W was his friend. I told him that he was not her friend and that his presence was destroying our marriage. After a few choice words, he told me that when it comes to my W, I blew it. I said, "excuse me - what did you say" He responded, "when it comes to your W, you blew it." I said a few choice words and threw my W's cell phone through the wall.<P>The last time I communicated with OM was via an email. It was right after my W called him and asked him to quit calling. My email basically told him that if I find out that he has been communicating with my W, I will make copies of everything I have regarding the A and send copies to his family.<P>I realize that this is not the most appropriate way of handling things, but in my opinion this OM has continued to lie to either me or my W for his own needs.<P>S&C

Exploding,<P>Great name. I spent about two weeks calming down after D-Day then met OM (he's single and about 8 years yonger) for lunch against my W's wishes. She said it would be a bad situation. I needed to meet him to see what kind of man he was. W told me it was a one night mistake and they were just friends (the ususal lies that you find out later). I truly wanted to meet him to see how he felt about my W and if there was a chance they could be happy together. Five minutes into the conversation I knew what he was about and I knew he would do nothing but hurt my wife so I decided that my marriage had a chance. During this meeting I learned that she was lying to him just like she was lying to me. Five minutes after our meeting ended he called her (Caller ID - I never told her that I knew until months later) and I knew he manipulated the conversation. Over time he really showed his true colors to her but she still refuses to see the foundation of the affair although she is becoming a stronger person again. <BR>If I had it to do over again I would have went to plan B right away and let the affair die it's natural death. Ten months later W says there is nothing for her there but it's still in the way with us. <BR>I don't regret talking to OM because it gave me a good look at what was going on and who he was. If this is something you want then set it up in a controlled enviroment and meet face to face. You will learn a lot more about OP and yourself this way then by talking over the phone. Body language does tell you a lot. Don't go into this meeting expecting to intimidate or accomplish anything. Don't ask for anything - this person doesn't give a s*#& about you and your family. Hold your head high because you are much better than the OP and they know it. If you try to intimidate then they will know they got to you. If you see that they are really in love then let your spouse go. They deserve to be happy and so do you. You won't be happy if your spouse is not where she wants to be. <P><BR>Good luck,<P><BR>who