I've only read a few posts this morning but they are depressing. Mine isn't going to be. There is hope and I am on a high this morning (I realize of course it won't last, but I'm going to enjoy it anyway).<BR> First good news: all the STD tests were negative! What a relief. I think I've been holding my breath for the last 5 days. I had told my WH that I should never be afraid to tell him anything ever again because at least I would never have had to tell him I gave him aids.<BR> Second, he went to councelling with me yesterday. It went okay. (first visit for both of us). Later in the car I asked him what percentage he gave her for wanting to save the marriage. He told her 100%. (I said 90% because of the trust factor). So she said there is a definite positive chance there. Also, the children played a significant role in both of us wanting to resolve this. <BR> This last 4 days has been hell and back. Its the first time he ever admitted to having a PA. <BR> He is also going to give me his schedule and I will write down his hours for him time sheets as he tends to do it at the end of the job sting instead of every day. That way I can also keep track of when he has an extra day off (like the last time he saw her, was 2 weeks ago Sunday because the job didn't want him on Sunday working--so she drove a couple hundred miles to see him). <BR> We also have plans to set up a video conference at home with the computer and although the kids can have their time to talk with him, there will definite be a time for both of us.<BR> Lastly--I went to the gym yesterday and got weighed and measured. I lost 14 pounds and 8 inches in just a month. I'm really encouraged by that and so is he. I am geared up to keep going. I am so hopeful about this whole situation now when just a few days ago I had suicidal thoughts myself.<BR> I think we are beginning to reaize just what we have in each other. <BR> Oh, I told the councelor I was simply amazed that I havent' screamed at him, LB-g big time. She said my depression index was severe and I am still too sad. But it will come, so I told WH to "Watch Out". (grin)<BR> I just want to thank everybody here for helping me through this tough time and I realize it isn't over yet. I appreciate it so. The hardest thing is knowing you can't control other people (WS) They have to come to their own decisions and that's what you have to work with.<BR> Oh, the councelor said I was probably spending too much time on the computer also, even though I don't chat. I don't feel its a problem when H is away, but we are going to spend more leisure time together and I am going to make a couples date with some friends of ours too. My best friend is also depressed cuz her H doesn't ever want to do anything. Last week though, the 2 H's took the boys out skeet shooting and had a good time.<BR>I'm also going to make an appt with that sleep clinic for H.<BR>I'll be back to read some more later. Gotta get the kids going.<BR>Mikkey

Hi Mikkey,<P>Glad to hear the good news. I am happy for you and your H. Keep up the good work. It will be a hard road but a positive one. <P>Will share more later. A lot has been happening here but don't want to give it in spurts. I have been thinking about all that has been said to me so I have not been posting much. <P>I did want to let you know that I am very happy to hear about your progress. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P><BR>

Hi Mikkey,<P>How are you doing?<P>L.

Mikkey, this is awesome news, I am happy for you. <P>Keep up the good work!! Hang in there, remember you may find out more info as time passes, but it will be worth it, don't give up, k? (I don't know how many times I needed to hear that one...)<P>HbH

Hi Everyone,<BR>I haven't been here too much. Not on the computer much at all since Sept 11 and that tragedy. I think that has also played an important role in having people realize what they think is important in life. I'm so glad my H got home on Saturday although his plane was late and so he missed a connecting flight and I had to drive an extra 100 miles to get him. At least he wasn't stuck in Virginia when all that happened. I still can't believe all that has happened. We have been going to prayer meetings, etc<BR> Anyway, I have had two other councelling sessions and this last Saturday I "ran away from home" for the day. H and I had a walk in the woods and I asked a few questions, like how OW met his needs and I didn't. I didn't really like his answers and they hurt so much I needed time to get away and think. H said I was running away and was the "old self" by doing that. I replied I still have the "Old H" but I'm the one doing all the work to make this work and I need to get away. I should have never called home because he came and got me (I had taken my bike as my car was in the shop). Anyway, Monday, we went to the counselor together and she said not to discuss our relationship unless she was there as there were too many hurtful things. She said at this point, there was more to work with, with H and if the marriage didn't work out, it would be because I couldn't get over the A. I told her I already forgave him but she said I haven't let my anger out, and I was too depressed. I still don't trust him, of course, and she said that was natural. I told her that if the marriage didn't work out, there would be nothing for me to live for, except my kids, which keep me semi-sane.<BR> H has been very affectionate and she said she really believes he is giving 100%. He still lied about trying to call her though and the counselor said it was an addiction likened to cocaine. I have checked his emails and since the 17th there have been none to her or back unless he erased them.<BR> I have to admit the "night life" has been great and I am really feeling comfortable snuggling with him again. I keep wondering about her though.<BR> I have another book on order that the counselor suggested along with "Surviving an Affair" which is waiting for me to pick it up. I'll probably get it Monday when we go again to the counselor. The other book is "Caring Enough to Forgive".<BR> I have been feeling like JustPlainCalli, I think. We have so much in common. At least H wants to be here and is working on things. I feel the need to talk about it, but he doesn't which I don't know where it will get us. I am just so hurt that he would go that far to do an "A". I guess you never really know people you think you do.<BR> I still am going faithfully to the gym and am making some progress in that area. Thanks for asking.<BR>Oh, I told the counselor I think I am on stage and always will have to do exactly as H wants, otherwise I feel his attitude is he'll just get someone else as I seem to be so expendable. He hasn't said that, but he looked at my nails, which I ripped off and said I needed to let them grow out and look nice, He said millions of women do it and I felt the unsaid thing was "if you don't I'll find someone who will". So, the counselor wants me to get my anger out and I don't know how that will happen. I don't feel like I have a lot of anger, just hurt. We also doubled my zoloft to 100mg from 50 as she said it didn't seem to be helping at the lower level.<BR>Thanks for asking.<BR>So, I feel I am still on a roller coaster ride but have great hopes and it seems like H is really willing to work on the marriage. He says he now feels closer to me than he has in a long time. For me though, the trust is kaput. I wonder if I'll always be wondering about him. I have purchased "The power of a Praying wife", and will definitely be praying those prayers, which are wonderful and also got the prayer cards for "The Power of a Praying Parent". <BR>I really think this country needs to get back to God as a whole. I think God has allowed this terrorist tragedy to occur and taken his protection away because we as a country have abandoned him. What a wake up call.<BR>Mikkey

Hi Mikkey,<P>Good to hear from you. You seem like you are headed in the right direction but it wil be an uphill battle for a while. <P>I know how you are feeling. Recovery seems to be a whole nother animal. Tables feel like they turn sometimes. <P>Well, wanted to see how you were and say hi.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>