My W apparently has been fighting with OM the last couple of days. She is furious with him over something, and says that he is "to the side" for now. <P>She has been contemplating us moving away, so she can get away from OM, and we can work on us. So far, she has not been able to decide to leave him. The last couple of days, she has considered taking the opportunity to get away (because she realizes that she probably won't be mad forever, so if she stays, she will eventually not be ready to leave again). BUT, she is not really sure she wants to be with me. We are still living together, and are getting along well. She says we are missing the "spark," which I have interpretted as being "in love" with me. <P>She does not agree that she cannot fall back "in love" with me as long as she has contact with him, or as long as she is "in love" with him. She thinks that if we are meant to be together, it will happen no matter what.<P>So, she want to stay at a friend's apt. for a week or so to get away from me and see if she wants to come back. She has been staying at our house somewhat out of duty. She wants to see if she wants to be with me, or just feels she has to.<P>I am nervous because this friend lives very close to the OM. I cannot stop her from doing anything anyway, but am scared. Soon after D-day, she went to a hotel for a night, for the same reason. She came home to me at 4 am and things went very well. I screwed up that weekend to set us back... but that is another story. Anyways, I eventually discovered that she went to his place from the hotel. For some reason, she then decided to come home to me. <P>Ughh....<P>This has been a ramble, but I just needed to get it out there.<P>Last night she stayed, but I think tonight she will not. She wants to come home from work, eat dinner with me, visit a little bit, and then leave. She does not want to totally stay away. <P>In a way, this could be good. She could decide that she wants to be with me. It could be bad. She could decide that she does not. Or, she could decide that she wants to be with him. If she does either of the latter, she might make it easier for me to move to plan B. <P>thanks for listening...<BR>

Of course she doesn't think that she cannot fall back in love with you while she is still having contact with OM. That's the thing.....WS's try to keep OP in the loop, and justify it any way they can. Never makes any sense. I was lucky. My WS read "Surviving an Affair" and admitted immediately that "no contact" was the only way. Has she read the book?<P>Patience. If she is still spending time with you, keeping a foot in the door so to speak, then that is a good sign for you & your marriage. Don't give up. Keep venting here so you don't vent on her!<P>Best of luck,<BR>B<BR>

My advice to you is to read the book "Love must be tough" by Dr.J.Dobson as well as get therapy to help you get back contol over your life and your self esteem.

bfbd --<P>Oops, we got some lines crossed. She DOES think that she can fall in love with me despite her feelings for and contact with OM. She read some of SAA, but does not want to have to "listen to a book to live our life." She was also insulted by the intro to His Needs Her Needs. She felt like the Harley's think all affairs are fantasy, and she feels like hers is very real -- they fight, have hard times, etc. etc..<P>thanks for the support!<P>Max --<BR>I am going to get around to a post about self-esteem.<P>The short version is that my self-esteem is as good as it has ever been. Self-esteem comes from our own actions. I am doing the right thing here, even though it is very hard and hurts. I have never felt better about myself, although I have never felt much worse about what is going on around me.