<BR>About 2 years ago my husband wrote me a letter. <P>My H said he had a "revelation". He suddenly starting seeing that his actions were wrong, he had made some poor choices, and that he was taking me for granted. He had come to a point in his life where he was realizing what was most important. He wrote me a very long heartfelt letter promising to change and how much I meant to him. And he did begin to change in a lot of ways.<P>Now imagine how most of you would respond to a letter like that?<P>I'll tell you what my reaction was in a little while......<P>

Has there been an affair yet? Am I the BS or WS?<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Lexxxy is the WS. Yes, I am peaked also Lexx. What was your reaction and were you already in the A?<P> jd

Cali -- WS.....<P>And JD -- yep....already involved in A.

and your reaction?

I don't wanna play come on, lex.... give us the answer.....

Lexxxy,<BR>Based on what I read from your post or your reply to others, I don’t think you would react the way most of us would. I guess you acted like it was a little too late. How right was I? <P>OOOO<BR>

you either thought 1. yeah, right, we'll see, or 2. saw it as a weakness and pushed you away further. or 3. it got your attention, but not enough to end the A until you were sure he meant it

You responded with anger. You were angry that his actions over the last few years pushed you into withdrawal, and thus pushed you into the affair. You were angry that he only "woke up" now, after it became too late and after you had your affair. In fact, his "waking up" made you even angrier than if he had never woken up, because by waking up and changing himself, he showed you that the marriage <B>was</B> salvageable, and that things <B>could</B> have worked out, but now that you had/have your affair, it's too late.<P>Right?<P>AGG

ditto faith1. My thought also. <P> jd

My first reaction would be what a crock of manipulative baloney. But I would be curious, words mean nothing to me (been too many false promises), but I would be curious how close subsequent actions revealed any actual changes in who he was.<P>My response would be..that's nice, what does it mean? Why did you write it? What do you intend to do? Who do you think I am?

I had such revelations and after d-day told my H such...funny how I felt that my revelations would not be well received...I had just started making the changes before d-day...<P>His response...anger..."Why did I have to do this....to get you to change and to listen?"<P>Ya know what Lexx...I could ask him the same thing...<I>He is now doing things FOR ME that he has NEVER done </I>. <P>Marriage is a two-way street...BOTH PEOPLE helped to create the environment and 'taught' the other how to treat them...<P>Read <I>The Mastery of Love </I> by don Miguel Ruiz and see how much you recognize the truth of your dream.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

GoodGuy --- <BR>EXACTLY!!!<P>I was furious!! And for all the reasons you mentioned GG and a few more. Steve Harley could even predict the reaction -- that it is infuriating to WS for BS's to change after you have already made up your mind about them.<P>Another component to it is that by realizing and acting on it, it takes away my right to be angry at him. And being angry at him is a way to justify my actions and also my "path" to freedom if I don't want to stay in the marriage.<P>I started this one because of what I-am said in Terrified's topic of how WS's react to nice things BS's do. <P>I've been thinking about this too because of my individual counseling in which she posed the question "what do you have to lose by not being angry anymore?" <P>

hehe <P>thanks lexxxy! ... I have to think on this a bit. <P>Grreat info....

I'd like to put a different slant on it:<P>"What have you got to GAIN by losing your anger?"<P><BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

You're right Cali -- that is true.<P>The question itself really struck me. Made me think.<P>And I'm realizing too that I am either sarcastic and skeptical of his efforts to change. Or I have actually put up roadblocks to him doing it.<P>

I don't have my <I> Mastery of Love </I>book...but there is a section about anger...I will look it up and post it to you in the future...probably not tonight...<P>My H does not like me posting here and I am going to give up posting from home...<P>Anyway...part of my problem has been that I have been harboring a lot of anger over the years...the whys don't matter...but letting go of that anger is personally freeing... and did more for ME than it will ever do for my H...<P>Let go of the anger for YOU.<P>Cali

Lexxy, <P>I totally get where you were coming from, your response. I know that when my stbx started being the nicest sweetest man that ever walked the planet I was infuriated, and for all the same reasons you stated. I had my mind made up, I wanted to go and all the sudden I really turned into the bad guy. My justification was lost, how could I leave someone who was so loving and caring. <P>He and I actually seperated twice, the first time he made changes, and thats why I went back, I saw hope, or wanted to anyway, but there also was an OP in the picture either. As a few weeks past, the changes didn't stay, and things got very twisted and bizarre. Finally after a couple of months I was certain that things couldn't change, too much had been said and done. And then things just got downright cruel and evil. <P>Thanks for bringing this topic up, I think its definitly something to be explored and to learn from for everyone. <P>I-am.

A couple years ago was when I experienced the "giver-snap" that Steve Hurley talks about.<P>My taker came out to the extreme! <P>In that letter, H said he was going to step up to the plate and be a real part of the family. So at that time I took a new job -- high pressure, big money, lots of travel and hours. <BR>I thought "Let him prove it, let him really understand what I am talking about, let him manage the family the way I have all these years"<P>And guess what happened? (and it has nothing to do with the A....)<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>GoodGuy --- <BR>EXACTLY!!! <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Cool, I win the prize .<P>Lexxx, believe me, I see where you're coming from. You and I are on opposite sides of the coin, but having observed my W (WS) for the past year, I am fairly familiar with what drove her actions. And I see a lot of the same feelings in you.<P>So if it's of any help, I can tell you that after my W moved out (over six months ago), she realized to her chagrin that she didn't feel any happier, any less angry, or any better. Except now, she could no longer blame me or the marriage for her misery, and had to look inward. It's easy to blame someone else for your unhappiness, but in reality, it is your own responsibility to make yourself happy. OM won't make you happy. Your H won't make you happy. It's up to you.<P>I don't know much about your H or about your OM. I can just tell you that no one is perfect, and you will always find faults with people, if you choose to do so. It's not easy to let go of anger, but you must do so if you want to ever be happy again...<P>I hope this helps. <P>AGG