Since my w is expressing her legal rights, she stops in anytime she wants to get the kids(she makes arrangements thry them and they forget to tell me) and the resentment and anger in me just grow. So when we do end up talking it ends in arguement.<BR>We are to talk today about our communication about the kids(i found out today the kids are staying with her a few days next week)so i suggested a neutral site with a cut man or neutral third party and no discussions of divorce proceedings. <BR>But how do i control the resentment I feel towards her. Afterall she living the single life, I'm doing laundry at 11pm and grocery shopping at 10pm and sitting home by myself(with the kids)on weekends. meanwhile she's going to movies, concerts and now a cruise !

Its really hard to get rid of resentment when you are a respectful person... especially when you care.<P>Someone has to do the laundry and take care of the kids... and I am getting the feeling that as long as you keep stepping up to the plate she thinks she can live the single life.<P>The problem there is that if you STOP doing that and throw the ball in her court "YOU do the laundry, I'm off to my OWN cruise" then society, the law and everyone else will go "BAD FATHER!!!" for not doing everything while watching her do what she likes.<P>That is the way the world is... Mummy does what she wants and Daddy picks up the pieces and shuts his damn mouth.<P>My suggestion would be to do exactly what she is doing, make arrangements with the kids, do your own single life, go on your own trips and concerts, lump the kids with her and look after yourself.<P>Now I know the kids suffer here... but the bottom line is you have a choice... either those childrens only hope at being protected is you wearing the brunt of the resentment and your W getting away with blue murder... or you throw it back in her face and show her that the kids are BOTH of your responsibility and she wakes up.<P>I guess it depends what is more important to you...<P>a) Your children's safety and protect during this time that effects them<P>OR<P>b) Your self-serving, stuck up and selfish W who doesn't give a damn about the kids as long as you are there to do all the work.<P>The only sad thing is that there isn't any "reward" regardless which way you pick because your children will still make up their own mind about how they feel about their mother as will the courts and society, what you do makes little or no difference to anyone but yourself.<BR>

Tough situation.<P>Instead of resentment, you could call this legitimate anger. Children should not be responsible for adult communication.<P>She is not respecting your bounderies. <P>However, this could lead into resentment, which is like being teethered to another person trying to go in an oppiset direction. Resentment keeps you negitively connected and somewhat controlled by the person you resent.<P>Don't know if you have checked it out, but wasstubborn and others have been studying a forgiveness workbook. Step 4 on bounderies is recent today. The first three steps are a couple weeks old. You may want to check them out.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

hi rwd, yep, go back a few chapters and read about legitimate anger. I would venture a guess that fhl is right. <BR>Maybe you could change the framework that you are looking at this thru? Instead of feeling irritated that you are doing laundry while she is out partying, maybe you could look at it as an opporutnity to help the kids? I am not sure this would help over a long time period, because everything gets old when you feel disrespected, but may help for a few days? <BR>RWD, I really feel for you. Keep the kids first. You are a great guy!!

Hi RWD -<P>Resentments are real tough!!! They latch on like leeches and can drain the life's blood right out of you, too!!<P>I think a big step will be that once you set a specific schedule for visitation some stability will reign once again.<P>She is wrong with her treatment of the children and unfortunately you will have to be the one to end it. The kids need structure - Mom flitting in and out is not accomplishing that (to say the least). This will eventually harm the kids.<P>Now, about you and your feelings and resentments.....A couple of things come to mind that might help.<P>You know me though, the first will be the way you look at things!!! LOL!!<P>It stinks to be the one with all the responsibility and none of the carefree fun. Especially being that we feel so wronged and should be the ones "rewarded" for our handling everything.<BR>This does not seem to be the way things work though!! Life's responsibilities are not going to just go away. They must be dealt with!!!<P>Your wife removed herself from those responsibilities, therefore they're on you're plate.. Don't feel so alone or bad about seeming trapped or like a sucker who's loosing out on anything. I know I have felt that way many times!!<P>The only thing that helps me is to know that even though it rots right now - I am growing stronger and living in the real world - my life could not possibly crash around me further. Our spouses however will have a very rough road coming up for them sooner or later.<P>You know it and I know it. It's them who don't realize it.<P>So when you think about it in that way - I guess we're not so bad off in that respect!!!<P>You also need to give yourself a break once in a while. This will be easier when there is a set schedule with the kids and then you can find an actity or two for yourself. This will help. You need to get out of the house and discover something new to to put all this energy your using up on thinking of her and her activities. and no - I don't mean a FEMALE activity!!! LOL!!<P>I don't know what your interests are - like would you get into something with a martial arts class or a bowling league, you know something like that. Good for you physically, mentally and socially.<P>Your time will come RWD, don't ponder about what she's doing for fun. Whatever fun she thinks she's having is coming with a very high price tag for herself. Feel sorry if anything because your life will not be under that burden of running from reality.<P>Your feet are on the ground - can't crash that way. Her's are floating and flitting - big crash coming!!!<P>A BIG HUG and Strength to you,<P>Sheba

Part of the problem is that I have been trying to "protect" the kids from her and the married om she is living with. I really don't think they should be exposed to that. I guess my w's poor moral judgements won't rub off on the kids but I still battle with that.<BR>The other problem is w works afternoons and every other weekend. So her time that she is available is limited,plus she is working more now (welcome to the real world!) so she can afford her new life.<BR>I am looking forward to the structured visitation when we are divorced.<BR>I am trying to have a life. I'm on a softball team but the kids stuff makes it tuff to be there all the time. Also next week I'm going to a Rebuilding After the Divorce workshop(6 weeks) at a large church. I'll have to do some work on arranging babysitting and transportation for the kids though.<BR>Weekends are the toughest. I'm real busy during the week but the weekends get to me. I'll keep hanging in there for my kids though !

Hi RWD,<BR> I can see how you feel and hope you realize how much your stability and sacrifices mean to the kids....it sounds like you are the only semblance of normal they have. How old are your kids? Are they old enough to know the true situation? You will be able to have a clear conscience in sticking by your kids and as someone said her "fun is coming with a VERY high price tag"...... hope things get better for you soon.....Lu

RWD,<P>It sounds like you are planning activities and support for yourself, and that is a big positive for you. It is exactly what you should be doing. <P>You do have legitimate anger, like FHL was suggesting. She has trespassed on those family values, and marriage values immensely, and continues to do so. What you do with that anger is very important. That is where I think you could work on improving yourself. Your question was on target.<P>Sheba's suggestion of changing the perspective - as a coping mechanism could be very helpful.<P>Here is a story I once heard, see if it helps expand on Sheba's ideas:<P>On the subway, there were these kids and a father. The kids were misbehaving, hitting each other, and running up and down - and being totaly disrespectful. The father was doing nothing to control his kids. <P>So one of the riders started giving disapproving looks to the children, and finally went to the father and asked him why he doesn't try and control his children, and went on to say that is what is wrong in society these days, parents don't take good care of their kids.<P>The father told the other passenger - we are on our way home from the hospital, and their mother just died.<P>Changed the perspective for the passenger, definitely. The behavior of the children was the same, but the perspective and understanding of the situation helped the passenger cope with the unruly behavior of the children.<P>I think this is what Sheba was trying to say, is to see this situation in a different perspective.<P>You are doing a really good job, and really on the right road. Keep your shoulders square, chin up, and walk tall. You deserve it.<BR>

Hi RWD -<P>Was checking on Chris and wanted to check up on you also......How are you feeling today?<P>Any let up in the resentment department?<P>Did you set up visitation schedule yet?<P>Let us know how you are!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

RWD,<P>Something I got from your post was that she stops in when ever she wants. From the tone it seems this really bothers you. Not sure if I am right or wrong. If this bothers you and you want boundries set petition for a legal seperation. Within the legal seperation point out she abandond you and the kids to live with this person and show she has no claim on free and easy access to the house. Change the locks and within the legal seperation set up a visitation schedual and money she needs to give as child support.<P>Lovebuster or not I am not sure only you would know. This could be a means for you to set up boundries and visitation and everything else. Also it will be a dose of reality for her. Right now she does not have to do anything if she really cares not to. With the legal seperation she will have to pay child support, not be allowed to come and go as she pleases plus you would then know what week-ends you have free.<P>Also her living with a married man will affect your childern. I am sure they feel resentment for their mother abandoning them for a man. Please note that legal seperation does not mean that you are heading down the path of divorce. It is a means of just sorting some things out. If you feel you can set the boundries between the two of you than do that. But if you really do not want her walking in and out change the locks or ask for the keys back. Talk to your children about what your wife is doing and maybe get them into therapy because I would bet her lifestyle choice is affecting them. I would also make her pay child support. A major dose of reality.

RWD, I think you're getting some good advice.<BR>Also, look into hiring some part-time household help; it needn't be very expensive. That will help relieve some of the burden. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they don't have some chores, they need some. Even 3 or 4 year-olds can empty a wastebasket and put away their toys. This will help to give them some routine in their lives, too. Make housework a family affair.<P>Plan your grocery shopping so you don't have to go every week. I've always shopped for 2-3 weeks at a time, which means that I only have to pick up stuff like milk and bread on a weekly basis.<P>When you cook, double up. Cook enough for more than one meal. When you brown ground meat for spaghetti, brown enough for 2-3 batches and freeze the extra until you need it. When you make a casserole, make two and freeze one. Really cuts down on meal preparation time.<P>Put a load of laundry in the washer in the morning. Run them through an extra rinse with fabric softener when you get home from work and dry them while you're eating supper. The kids can learn how to sort and fold laundry, too. Do it all together, and make it into a fun time with jokes and conversation. This will be helping create good memories for the kids, plus get the job done.<BR>And, when the kids are with her, you get out and do something nice for yourself!