<BR>???suggestions...<P>???ideas...<P><BR>Cali<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Decide if you are willing to put up with his continued contact with OW, and then inform him of your decision.<P>AGG

I wish I had some advice to give...not in a place to do that right now. I guess I'd say...take care of YOU, whatever you need to do to accomplish that.

Dearest Cali,<BR>This decision has to be made by you, for you - you sound very strong at the moment and in control. The question is: Go to Plan B, or not go to Plan B? What about a simple pros & cons list of each option? Sometimes the simplest ways are the best ways to help you think clearly.<P>Mthhrbard (I will NEVER be able to spell that right ), is spot on with her reply - this has to be for you and not as a punishment. <P>hugs, Paint.

Cali,<P>I agree with Paint..<P><BR>If your running low in the love bank and you have nothing left to give of yourself and the next step for you is taking away from you.. then plan b.<P>As I told JD last night..<P>A couple comes together to form one person.. the love is combined, intertwined and mingled for years with in each partner.<P>The love that exists.. I look at it this way:<P>1.. The love in your heart that your H put there<BR>2.. The love in your heart for yourself<BR>3.. The love in your H heart that you put there<BR>4.. The love in your H heart for himself<P>When your hubby left.. he dropped the love you put in his heart to the side. Ignored it.<P>The love that he left in your heart remains in your heart. so as an example.. there is 50 percent of your love in your heart and 50 percent of his love in your heart.<P>As I told JD.. take that 50 percent love that he gave you in your heart and use it to work on yourself and save your marriage. Leave your heart alone and the love for yourself.. When the love for your heart that your H put there is gone.. and you've used it to make a completely better you.. regardless of his actions.. then its time.<P>When you need the strength to go on.. use what your husband gave you over the years to survive this. You won't run out of love in your heart.. because when his love is drained from you.... there will be one thing standing and you know what that is?<P>You. Cali standing there with confidence, security, stability and determination to live her life the fullest possible. If hubby isn't there.. he will be hopefully one day. Take care of you and don't plan b until your Hubby's love is nearly gone. <P>A friend of mine told me recently that when you finally turn from your WS, shut the door and walk away.. that your stride increases and you begin to run. My friend said to me.. that when he started running he didn't look back and he is very happy now.. for info.. he waited on his wife for 3 years. He is six months into recovery of himself now.. and is happy. But I don't want that for you Cali and I know you don't either. <P>You can't change your husband... only he can. Take care of you and don't use Plan B as a punishment.<P>Remain calm and loving to him as much as you can.<P>Take care and HUGGS as always.<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Sigh...<P>If you're asking about the cell phone... It's not very impeccable to let the bill lapse. It's sneaky and is probably an LB (and hurts your credit as well). [I'm trying to absorb the Four Agreements now, sorry if I practice on you first]<P>Obviously, it hurts you to see it. You can hand it to him and let him deal with it. You can state that it hurts you that this is continuing and then leave it at that.<P>No demands, no suggestions of solutions that would make you happy -- unless he asks.<P>About Plan B? You don't seem ready to me. Several others in your previous post made that point. <P>An observation: you seem to have "crescendos" in your relationship with your H. Things build up and you explode and then things seem to be a little better afterward. Almost as though he doesn't believe you until you lose control. I think these episodes have not turned out badly because they weren't done to manipulate. <P>HbH and mtthrhbrd were both making this point (I think). Anything done to manipulate is bad. If you were trying to get him jealous on purpose, that was bad. I just don't think you were, you've been pretty clear with your H about your ideas on dating. <P>Can you live with your new H a while longer? Does being around him now make you feel good, or bad? It sounds like he's making new habits. Are these new habits repairing your lovebank?<P>I was tempted to say wait for the next cell bill, but then you're back to expecting something from him and being angry when he doesn't deliver. <P>I think that you have in the back of your mind right now (after Friday) that Plan B might have a big effect on your H. He's probably aware that you might think that, too. The odds that he would not interpret Plan B as manipulation are very small right now. Could you be absolutely certain that you wouldn't be doing it for that reason? Could you be certain that you weren't just pushing for faster change? <P>Me, I'd sit back and try to survive longer. But... I'm a wimp, and my lovebank was never sucked dry either.<P>--Jeffers<BR>

Hi Cali,<P>Pay the bill, of course. How is not paying it, hence having the cell turned off and placing a ding on your credit going to teach anyone anything?<P>I understand that turning off the cell by virtue of not paying the bill creates one less form of contact between the two, but it will only make them try harder (the us against the world, Romeo and Juliet drama).<P>As far as bringing the cell bill up. IMHO, I would, but not in a confrontational way. Boundaries, Cali. You know there is still contact and it hurts you. I think you tell your H you feel hurt and dissapointed, and leave it at that.<P>As far as considering Plan B, that should be done only when you have very little love left in your Love Bank. You, and ONLY YOU, will know when it is time, if at all, for Plan B.<P>I hope I've helped, Hon. I've been in your shoes.<P>Best to you Cali.<BR>Jo<BR>

Okay...cell phone bill paid...boy I love online payment options...<P><BR>Jeffers...I'm stuck on "Make no assumptions." Something happened this weekend and I can't assume I know what...God...I look at your post...and you are so right...that is my pattern...that has been our pattern...I hit crecendo and he changes...at least I am not yelling and screaming and throwing things anymore...<P>but, I am scared, because I know too much, that he's not doing it for him and that the changes won't last...(sound familiar Lexxxy or S_n_L??)<P>So where do I get the courage and the words to ask? Do I need to? Should I just let it ride until he speaks up? And, with our pattern, will he?<P>(BTW...I've checked out another pattern and I seem to crecendo right around major PMS time....)<P>Finally, Jeffers, what do you think of The Four Agreements? Maybe you can help me answer Mad Season's post...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I've been thinking about this alot lately. What I would do if I had it to do over or (god forbid) it should happen again...<P>I used plan B as a way to get H to change faster. I realize that now. It wasn't my sole purpose, but it still lingered there in the background. The first time, it was geniune. After that though, it was just to try and get a reaction and to get things to move quicker... Bad idea.<P>I really don't think it's wise for you to go to plan B now, Cali. For that very same reason. There is NO WAY I can foresee your H not seeing it as manipulation or control of some sort. It will backfire on you. Yes, you'll probably get results in the beginning, but they will not be geniune.<P>My suggestion is really to just NOT put up with his crap anymore until he either proves himself or you ARE finally ready for plan B. It will be tough, but let me know what you think of this idea. <P>If your H does something to drain your lovebank, you come up with some phrase like "that really hurt me when you did X". And you don't talk about it anymore. No fights, no arguments over it, just tell him it hurt. If you have to, get yourself away from the situation. <P>Example:<BR>You find H's cellphone bill w/ tons of calls to OW. You hand H the phone bill and say "it really hurts me to see this going on. I need to go get some fresh air, I'll be back in an hour." Then leave, when you get back, you don't bring it up. If HE wants to talk, then you listen. If he offers to do anything about it, just say, "Okay, I will be waiting patiently to see that happen."<P>Everytime he does something like this, just tell him flat out that it upset you. Nothing else. You don't suggest anything, you don't tell him what to do, you don't complain. Just tell him it hurt you, that's all. Now if HE starts asking questions, well, then you can explain yourself, calmly!<P>"I feel very hurt by your actions and I don't want to live like this anymore." <BR>"I need some time to myself to deal with what I am feeling inside."<BR>"I do not want to do that for you because it does not feel right."<BR>"No, thank you, I'd rather spend some time by myself right now, you go ahead without me."<BR>"That's okay, why don't you take the kids with you and I'll stay here and do some things for myself."<BR>"I accept that this is the way you feel / see things. I don't agree with it, but I accept it."<BR>"Whatever you think."<BR>"Okay. That's your choice, I accept it."<P>In a way, I guess I'm almost suggesting that you start to seperate yourself mentally from him. Sort of like a pre-cursor to plan B. It gets you ready for it and by the time you are ready to implement plan B, it will no longer seem like you are trying to manipulate him... <P>If you don't start to distance yourself from him, you'll just keep getting hurt... If you don't SEE/FEEL his crap (HA!) then it can't get to you and hurt you.<P>Of course, if/when he does things that are positive, you acknowledge that, tell him, you really appreciate what he is doing and that it feels good to see him starting to work on the marriage. That's it. Don't tell him what he can do better, don't suggest stuff, just a quick thank you and that's it.<P>And what do you do in your newfound free time you ask? Work on letting go and not caring what your H is doing...<P>Oh, and definately no LBing during this time. Yeah, deposit love units here and there when you can. You are not supposed to be mean/rude, just letting him know that you are working on yourself and will not LET him hurt you anymore with his waffling (by not LETTING it get to you, you are acknowledging this fact).<P>What do you think? I really don't think you can stay in plan A any longer, but a move to plan B at this time is just a bad idea given what's been going on and will most likely be taken the wrong way...<P>Just a thought to try and preserve your sanity in the meantime. It will be very difficult, I know...<BR>HbH