I am so confused but what is new. Does anyone really know what we are doing? I have spent the last 5 months since d-day trying to "work" on my marriage. Of course you cannot work on a marriage by yourself and especially when your S is in "love" with someone else. I have shown him without a shadow of a doubt that I love him. Now I am at the point where I cannot do this anymore. It is effecting me big time so I have over and over given him an open door. I have pleaded with his sense of decency to leave and he would not make a decision for a month or two. Everytime I found evidence of his A, I would press him to leave and urge him to persue his new love if that is what he wants. I have to heal from this and get a life back.<P>Well---WS finally found an aparmtent and is moving this weekend. He can't sleep, is struggling with depression and says it does not feel right. He says, "I should be happy and excited about my new adventure but I am not". He admits he still loves OW but he is finding this so difficult. <P>What does this mean? Will his struggle with our separating get harder for him as he moves or will he adjust? Is the A no longer fun now that it is gonna go full on?<P>My feelings are so extreme---one day I am elated he is leaving cause I think of all that I can do and accomplish without the stress of this circus....but then I grieve deeply for all that we will lose in ending our marriage someday. I hate the thought of OW having him with no restrictions.....but isn't that how they will find out reality?<P>I am confused and I know we all are with the emotionally three-ring circus we are participating in. <P>TW

hugs <<<tw>>>><P>I'm not in the best of moods to give the best advice but here it goes. (Just want you to know someone is out here). He doesn't know what he wants right now which is why he is questioning the move (mho). You really have to give it time. Time and patience. Nothing heals in a few months. You will know when it is over. If you're still here and asking for advice, you are not ready for it to be over (again imo). When you are ready to give up this site,then I think you are ready to give up the marriage...<P>Deb<BR>

Hi TW,<P>You appear to be inbetween stages. You want to reach acceptance and go on but a part of you wants to hold on. Can't really do both. Neither can your H. <P>This is where the confusion on his part affects you. He may see the futility of the A yet may not know how to stop it. Then he can also see that he may lose you and can't find the energy to stop that either. See his dilemea? <P>Where does that leave you? Well, if you did like I did, you may suffer from anxiety attacks. They could get severe. I gave my H chances. Each time, he failed, I sent him packing. Eventually they wear their welcome out with the OW and then in some cases the OW LB's themselves right out of the WSs lives. Doesn't always happen though. Remember there is a bond between them. It is much easier for you to hate the OW than for the WS to even slightly dislike the OW. We have to remember that. <P>Are you ready for plan B? Mthrrbard and Buffy are good at helping us understand that. Along with JL, K, Lor, Lostva and others, they help us see the need for a good plan that will work. Search on their names and read some of their recent posts. <P>I am now digesting what has been given me. It is a lot. My situation is stressful for even this board, I want to put an end to this charade. It is not all within my power but I understand the direction I have been given. It is not wrong. For me I am cautiously proceeding. There is slow but steady progress this time. This was after much turmoil. <P>What I have learned, is that the WS will have to come to that decision. In the meantime the BS plugs along with plan A or B. When both are no longer working for the benefit of the BS and family, then D becomes the next option. Having to strength to see ourselves in that next option is hard. But from what I have been reading, it is often harder in our minds than in reality. The unknown scares us. We are often willing to settle for less because it is more familar or comfortable. But not neccesarily good. <P>I am preparing myself for that next option. Even though H came home and is trying. I can not afford to let my guard down at this time. Repairing my soul is too hard. <P>If you are finding it too hard to handle, see if you can setup a session with either the Harley's or your counselor. You need to have someone to talk with. Ask for help here. We can be available. <P>Just wanted to let you know, I understand. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.

I am in the same boat as you...I have finally told H to move out. Like you, I have been trying to make this work but I feel hopeless because I don't see any remorse from him. Now, I am letting go to allow him to do whatever and see for himself what his actions are causing us. He still can't see the mistake of his actions and in regards to OW. Continue to see the bright side and take care of yourself. In my case, it feels good to let go. I, too, am looking forward to being free from all this pain and frustration.