Hi everyone,<P>I am not doing so well today. <P>quick background: I had an EA/PA several months ago, and my wife knows about it, without dirty details. I've been living back at home for about a month now, after a couple of weeks of staying with my parents, and my wife and I are really trying to work on our marriage. We are trying to meet EN's and we are working on nightly talks following Dr. Phil's book on Relationship Rescue. We are going on dates together and spending time together.<P>Why am I doing not so well? Yesterday, my wife went to visit her parents for a while. So I was alone last night and will be for the weekend. I found myself crying in bed... I feel totally cornered and shafted by my circumstances. I am having a lot of trouble feeling any emotion toward my wife... I care about her welfare, and our daughter (I'm not a monster!), but I feel like I have closed myself off completely emotionally. <P>I feel bad, because I *feel* like I married the wrong person... I am crying because I don't really miss her-- and I know that is wrong. We even had sex once last week... and I felt terribly guilty after. During the course of it, I couldn't tell her I loved her, and I suddenly realized I was merely trying to satisfy my need for sex and I really felt like I had been using her. I felt (and still feel) like a heel.<P>I don't know what to tell her when she comes back! She keeps asking me if I'll love her when she returns home. Will I love her in a few weeks? Will I ever love her again? I feel ashamed of myself! And I feel pressured and rushed. Sometimes, I feel like I miss the OW more than my wife, even though a considerable amount of time (months) has passed since we've seen each other or contacted each other.<P>I am really dreading her coming home, because I am afraid of what I may say. I don't want to say the plain truth-- which is to say, I don't love you right now, so I think I should move out on my own for a while (separate) so I can have space to think. She has even suggested I move back out. I don't know, it's possible that it won't help because she will think I am running away from her and she may close the door on me. But I can't help it, right now, I can't imagine life with her when we are old, or when the kids move out-- but I'm not ruling out that it is possible I'll turn around!<P>I'm trying my hardest here! It is really really hard! I just don't feeeel anything, and that is crappy. Will it just take time? More effort on my part? how long do I do this for? Do I just start saying "I love you" and not mean it for a while, and maybe it will kick in? That feels so phony, and she can see right through it.<P>My wife and I are both tired. Tired of me, and my emotions and attitude. I feel weak now, and I need to regain strength. My rollercoaster is on a down part today.<P>-Venizio

Venezio,<P>As a betrayed spouse (BS) I can only tell you how I would have wanted my wife to have treated me when I discovered her affair. With honesty and respect. <P>First though, your wife isn't responsible for your actions, you are. She also isn't responsible for your behaviour, you are. So, the only person who put themselves in this situation is you. Therefore, start accepting the responsibility for what you've done and what you should be doing. And, do your self a favour and start dealing with your situation with a degree of emotional honesty. <P>As a BS, one of the hardest aspects to cope with from a WS is the lies and the distortion of the history of the marriage. Whatever happened between you and your wife could never have been so bad that you had to resort to having an affair. Never.<P>My advice would be to approach your feelings with honesty. Which means tell your wife how you feel. Don't lie to her. Don't ever lie. And show her some respect. She's a very valuable person who needs to be treated accordingly. She never asked for this but she's going to have to deal with this too.<P>good luck,<P>- Freddy<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by venizio:<BR><B>Hi everyone,<P>My rollercoaster is on a down part today.<P>-Venizio</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Venizio:<P>You have to realize, and I think you do by your quote there, that you are on a roller coaster and it has its ups and downs. <P>A few things occur to me:<P>One: I think you are doing OK by being back at home and working on your relationship.<P>Two: Don't expect too much too soon. It took you a long time to screw things up and it will take a similar time or longer to get things back together.<P>Three: Most couples can't do this alone. Are you two seeing a counselor?<P>Four: Read a couple of books. Two I recommend are "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and "The Truth About Love" by Pat Love. Both should be read by you and your W. They will address the questions you seem to be struggling with.<P>Five: Hang in there and keep trying. This whole deal is a journey not a destination. So there are bound to be up times and down times. Don't give up before you find out you really can do this.<P>Good luck <P>E <BR> <BR>

(((Venizio))) You may not realize it, but you just helped another BS to understand her own WS. There's a saying somewhere (not here, but still applies). If you working on your marriage, try to act "As If." What that means is that maybe you will have to try acting "As If" you love your wife for a time, but in time, I believe the REAL feelings of love will follow. If I didn't believe that, I would not be working so hard. I don't think you would either. The reason your post has helped me is that I've been having such a HARD time with my H's mixed emotions about how to treat me. I know he is still in withdrawal from OW. It hurts, but I am trying so hard to be patient. Please give yourself and your wife some time. Try to explain to her (if you can) that you truly want those feelings back, but that it will take some time. Are you going to counseling? I know that would help you to deal with the feelings. I can't tell you how many times my H has said "I don't want to talk about it." For the last 2 months I've been pushing him. I'm trying very hard to back off for now. Also, will your wife come here and read some posts? That might help her too. My prayers go out to you. Don't give up because those feelings aren't there yet. They were there once, and they can be again!!

Venezio<P>What MOM is saying is right. That is a large part of what "After the Affair" says. Act "as if." <P>I am a BS and my W (WS) moved back home a month ago. It ain't easy, but we are working... The "as if" concept really does help. It is not a panacea but it helps. Try it.<P>(good job in brining it up MOM!) <P>E

Just a note, we are seeing a counsellor. Have been for the whole summer, mainly me, but we have both been going together. Actually, during and after one of the sessions we actually 'separated' or said we were going to, but at the last minute I couldn't do it. That showed me there was enough love left to at least keep trying.<P>I guess I just find it frustrating to see my wife getting ready to give me the boot, even though sometimes I think I want it, I know it is the wrong thing to do. Maybe if she kicks me out, it will give me a kickstart? A shot in the arm?<P>I'm trying hard. Wish me luck. I hope my rollercoaster will go back up... and not off the tracks.<P>-Venizio