I have been married 3 years and we have had problems since our honeymoon. I was very much in love with my husband and through all the problems I was always willing to work it out. I have spent much time communicating my needs and trying to understand his so that we could come to a point of compromise on many issues. We have a one year old child. Now after much effort and countless books we've read, marriage conferences and counseling I have nothing left in me to try anymore. I have been neglected emotionally for such a long time to the point that I've lost who I am inside. I don't care for him at this point and I've completely shutdown. We just basically tolerate each other for our child. <P>The real problem is that I have really fallen for a guy at work now. He (believe it or not) never had anything to do with me feeling this way towards my husband but after all the effort and seeing my husband really doesn't care, this man has just met a lot of my emotional needs. We have not had an affair. We both know it's wrong but it's a constant battle. I can't leave my job because my husband is not responsible and can't hold down a job. He currently is unemployed and we need the money and health insurance. No matter how much I try to motivate him to take care of us and to take the burden off me to be the leader of the home, he just keeps on going for the ride. Now I don't know what to do. Like I said, there is no way I can leave my job and even if I did, I have no more in me to try with my husband. I don't love him like I used to. What should I do?? I'm fighting off the idea of an affair but I am afraid I am weak! please help.

Hi Ruby Welcome<P>Is your H faithful ?<P>Do you think he may be involved in an A.<P>You will probably hear it from others on this site, but an only emotional relationaship with another man IS an affair..commonly referred to here as a EA. If you have strong emotional feelings they will most like turn physical (it's natural).<P>Why didn't marriage counseling work ?<P>My husband & I tried it 10 years ago, it didn't work for us because my H believed that ALL our marital problems were mine & I needed to change. (it wasn't until recently that I found out he was cheating on me then) I'm not saying your H is cheating, but there is a reason counseling doesn't work...it's usually because 1 of the parties isn't honest.<P>You have done a good thing by posting here. Read Bad Hubby's story to see where things can lead.<P>Why doesn't your H work ? Sounds like a lot of problems to me...we are hear to listen.<P>Lisa

Lisa,<P>Thanks for your reply. I am sure my husband is not having an affair.(I know that may sound nieve) My husband may be a lot of things but I really believe he is faithful. I get all the cell phone bills and I know whwere he is all the time. He really hasn't given me any reason to believe he unfaithful.<P>Marriage counseling is not working because he doesn't really see the issues that have caused me to feel the way I do. He makes a lot of excuses. How do you change if you really don't see there is a problem? Also he at times does admit he is wrong and apologizes but never makes the changes. He promises me a lot and is all words and no actions. I have lost all trust and respect. I feel if he really cared I wouldn't have to work so hard at getting him to do the right thing.<P>He is doing odd and end jobs right now. He was given a job with great potential for an awesome future for us and got fired. All because of irresponsibility. I spoke with his boss and it was basically the same lax I don't care attitude at work as he has at home. I really don't think he see it though. That is the scary part. Of course there are so many details I can't get into. And the thing that makes me crazy is he tells me over and over how much he does care and wants things to change. It makes me crazy. now I am resentful towards him because I feel like he's not only being dishonest to himself but to me. I sometimes wish he would leave but he never will.<P>I am struggling so hard to do the right thing with this friend of mine. It is just for so long my needs haven't been met and this guy and I have been friends for 2 years. We are in the same office. I see everything going down the wrong path and I can't stop. It hurts. If I stay with my husband I will be unhappy and if I go with this guy I will feel guilty. The bad thing is he is married too with big problems himself. He has 2 kids. We are trying to put our feelings aside for the kids sake. We care so much for them. We just don't know how long we can just keep pushing things under the rug.

I think it's far better to divorce and then have all the sex you want with the other guy. It is 10 times worse to have an affair. For sure you will be discovered. You and your significant other may never recover from it. You will have sinned. If you really feel like having an affair then you and your significant other should not be together. If you have an affair you will betray your significant other. You will have to lie and sneak behind his back. You will have a guilty consience. Forever you will be a woman who is tarnished and does things she should not do. Now you can save yourself by either cutting all contact with the other guy or breaking it off with your significant other. If your partner really does not care about you then break it off since you are not married anyway. If you care for him and he for you then marry and never be unfaithful. The worst thing in the world is an unfaithful spouse. Your lucky you came here before you turn totally bad. You have already taken step 1 to having an affair. You are already having one but it can get a lot worse.

Ruby,<P>I am so sorry that you are hurt & lonely. Marriage is so difficult & nothing prepares us for it.<P>If you asked me 7 months ago if I thought my H would H or had ever chested on me my answer would have been "no way".<BR>If you asked any of our friends or family they would have said "Who, Lou, never !" Believe me everyone who knows us was in shock.<P>I thought I knew my husband, but now we have both learned that we really didn't know what the other wanted and we didn't communicate our needs.<P>I always told him what I wanted...love/companionship<BR>He told me what he want sex/understanding<P>But we really didn't do anything to give these needs to each other. You think your "talking", but your really not.<P>Do you think if you had a talk with your H and told him that you are very unhappy & so unhappy that you are starting to think about being without him & being with someone else?<P>If my H had sat be down...calmly..(never during a fight)<BR>If my H said "Lisa I'm so unhappy & what I'm going to say is going to hurt your feelings, but I want to say something now before it happens so we can fix things"<P>I'm sure I probably would have gotten pissed & had a huge fight & accused him of an A right then, but he looked at me with tears in his eyes(like he does now) and explained that he was serious, not just picking a fight. I would have listened & I would have done anything to keep him from looking for his EN's & PN's elsewhere.<P>It takes a "strong" person to admit this to their partner..an even stronger person to not LB when they say it. And say it with love & conviction.<P>It is the "harder" thing to do. It's easy getting invuolved w/ someone else who is fulfilling your EN.<P>But if you truly love your H & want to Make it better, you have to do the "harder" thing, but it is the "Right" thing.<P><BR>Please keep posting & use the wise advice that is given here.<P>4 months after D-Day I was ready to just go out & look for anyone better. I had a chance to date a very handsome, wealthy man with no attachments...seemed perfect. My great friends here at MB talked me out of it...I am grateful, because I feel better about myself & my life w/my H. <P>Lisa

Thanks Rodger for your advice I totally understand what you are saying. It's just so hard to do. I stay because I live each day hoping my feelings will change and my H will try more. I'm sure one day it will come down to me making decisions. I know the grass is not greener on the other side. Even though This guy and I get along so well and have everything in common of course I don't want to end up in this situation with him if I were to leave and be with him. I really want a relationship that lasts. I'm trying to hang in there to give my H every chance and for me to maybe feel differently. Unfortunately I know it would help if I left my job( which is totally not possible at this time or for any time in the near future) But because this other guy and I both are trying together to do the right thing it makes it possible to keep going. I just don't know how much longer we can keep on like this. We're only human! <P>Lisa, I have with tears in my eyes told my H I am losing my love and I'm afraid that one day I will look for my needs to get met elsewhere. This was over a year ago. It never moved him. Or maybe it did but he just doesn't know what to do. But quite honestly a lot of the things are common sense and things that should come somewhat automatic. People around me that know the whole story totally see a lot of these problems lie with him. Even our counselor sees only him because he felt he needed one on one. <P>I love my husband because he is my H and the father of my child but we have grown so far apart. We barely even talk. Who knows, maybe your right and he is having some kind of affair. He is not even honest with me about his feelings. I know I am not perfect and marriage is not easy but I know there's more to it than this. I feel so empty and so does the OM. Right now we're in it for the kids. But how long can you keep doing it for them? Right now they are all babies and a toddler. But what about when they are old enough to see there parents not caring or hearing the fights. I dread it. Things have even got to affect them now. We love them so much and want the best for there lives. It feels like a no win situation. So I keep living each day with the hope of some miracle. Maybe it's never gonna happen but I'm trying.

Hey Ruby29,<P>I've been married 10 years now and the whole marriage has been based on dishonesty and infidelity. We also have one child. <P>About....3 years into our marriage I found out he cheated on me for the 1st time. Just 2 years ago I found out that he had been cheating on me ever since. There has been over 32 OW that I know about. <P>I have felt I was in my marriage all alone from day 1. After I found out about the 1st affair, I was never the same. I was lonely and full of resentment, but I still loved my H and was determined to make it work. 3 years ago I gave in and had an A. It started out as an EA then soon turned into a PA. BIGGEST MISTAKE I COULD MAKE. <P>I am paying the price for it now. My H found out and he holds it over my head everyday even though he did even more dirt than I did. I regret what I did and really should have waited until I knew for sure that my M was over. <P>So, just explain this to your friend, he will understand. You should really work on you M as much as you can. If you have already determined that it is over, then get the divorce and go into another relationship only after the fact. PLEASE!! <P>I have come to witness that a man's pride is HUGE. He may never forgive me although I have forgiven his bad deeds. We have decided to separate to see where we stand and to fix ourselves, sort of speak. If we get back together then it's all good. If we don't, then it's all good. <P>Anyways, you are wanting to be with this other man for all the wrong reasons and it may feel SOOOOOO right but it is NOT the right time. I have to go. I will check on your story. Please come here as much as you can. MB has helped me BEYOND BELIEF. Come everyday if you have to. <P>Take care <BR>Clouds

Ruby,<BR>I am the WS so I thought I would tell some from my view. IMO, You both are Love Busting. I think that you should purchase some of Dr. harley's books. Like "His needs, Her needs" and "Love Buster's.<P>Is there a reason why your H doesn't work? Does he have problems with what he does(not happy with jobs he picks)? Does he have problems with himself? Maybe you should start counseling for the both of you.<P>I agree with louser, that you are or in the begging an EA (emotional affair. Probably because your needs are not being met. Let me tell you that is the begging of an A, because one thing leads to another then your in a mess.<P>I hope I gave you some pointer's to work with. Good Luck. Sherry

Hey Clouds,<P>Thanks for writing. I've been checking this quite often and it is so great to actually be able to share how you feel and get advice without anyone knowing who you are!! It's nice to know people care and you are not in this alone. To carry this by yourself is so hard and shameful. At least this is a way to get through.<P>I totally agree with you on the fact that having an affair would be totally a bad move. If I did and my H found out he would feel that the OM is the reason our marriage went down. It wasn't at all!! The OM just happened to be around and going through similar situations and we became good friends as a result of our work situation. We never intended to care so much for each other. It literally just happened over time. If my Marriage ends I want to be able to say I did the best I could and tried to do it as "right" as possible. I know that an EA is just as bad but I feel real good that I've held off the PA for the past 4 months. It's been real difficult and a struggle so I may not be totally in the right but I feel like it's a start. <P>The OM is so wonderful. He totally understands and wants to do the right thing too. We're fighting this battle together. We both know it's not right until our marriages end to pursue anything further. But like I said it's a struggle. I just in fact told him today that I felt we really needed to make sure we wait till it's over. He agreed. We'll end up looking like crap if we were found out. Even if we weren't in my heart I'd always feel the guilt. Like I said I never intended this to happen. If anyone told me I'd be feeling this way I'd deny it. And we are trying to repair our marriages for our childrens sake. Although to be honest, things don't look good.<P>How are you still with your husband? I feel like I don't even love mine anymore and I don't know that he had an affair. It's just all the other major issues that we continually get nowhere with. I wish I had the desire to stay like you. But I just want to move on. I hate being a single mom with this man living in the house. I have felt alone since the beginning. I feel like I deserve better because I know I really give a lot. I give you alot of credit for staying. I know so many people do but I just can't see me doing the same.<P>Well, I'll talk to you soon. Thanks again. I'll be here a lot. It's encouraging and right now I need every ounce I can get!<BR>

Sherry,<BR>Thanks for responding. I am trying so hard to keep away from the PA and I've been able to do it so far for 4 months. My husband doesn't work because he got fired. He is not responsible or ambitious and people are not going to pay him to be lazy. He really doesn't see how he is. He is a good guy in a lot of other ways but he really needs to grow up. I run the house and do everything. It takes a toll on you after a while. I get resentful because it seems like he's going for a free ride. I work, cook, clean, take care of our child and pay all the bills. He will work but the issue is him holding down a job and providing us with some kind of a future. Besides many other issues of course. We have been in counseling. It's not helping. He doesn't see the need to change. Our closest friends are trying to help us out. I really am trying everything before I give it up. Mostly for our son. A part of me doesn't care anymore. <P>Gotta Go, talk to you soon.

ruby29,<P>From your last post, I can see that you are doing way too much for your husband. Why should he change if you do everything that needs to be done around the house. This is just my opinion, but you need to stop doing that. It keeps him in that little boy mode and you as the mother figure.<P>Since you work outside the home full time and he stays home give him all the housework to get done. If it doesn't get done, so what. Don't do it yourself. Learn to turn a blind eye to it. And ask him how his day was. If he was busy out there looking for a job since the housework isn't done.<BR>If you need some laundry done, do yours and your childs, but leave his as he has the time to do it. You need to be proactive in this instead of letting things just happen.<BR>Cook for you and your child, but let him do his own. And see what happens.<P>And please do everything you can to not let your EA get any more involved. If you need to talk, don't you have a girlfriend who will listen. My A was the biggest mistake of my life. While my OM was wonderful in listening and understand, I should have been talking to my close friends.<BR>Once the physical started, it was so hard for me to choose the right thing to do. But with God's help I did. <P>Get those books, His Needs/Her Needs, and Give and Take is good. They will help you understand things better and maybe you can get your husband to read them too.<P>Good luck,<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

Hi Ruby. I just had to jump on this. First of all I'm so glad that you came here to MB. You will find alot of support here. I am not into bashing on anyone so please don't take it as such. First you say this co-worker is also having problems in his marriage. Has he talked to his W about their problems? My guess is probably not. It seems as though the two of you confide alot in each other rather than your spouses. This is just a PA waiting to happen. You say that it is only EA that is just as bad. You say that you know it's wrong and that's good,you seem to be aware where this could be heading. I beg you to read everything you can here and if possible get into counseling immediately even if your H won't go with you. You are definitely making life to easy for your H. He has no motivation because you take care of everything for him. I can tell you that as the BS if I can help prevent someone from going through this torture it will be well worth it. You have no idea what kind of pain an A can have on the people you most love. This not only affects your spouse and child it also will affect the OP's spouse and children as well as your friends and your extended families. Please consider what you may be setting yourself up for. Dishonesty, guilt and shame to name a few. You will be in my prayers. I hope you make the right decision. Good Luck.<BR>cybil

Debbie and Cybil,<P>I appreciate your responses so much. I know I do a lot for my husband but I'm that kind of person. First, I am the kind to take the bull by the horns and get things done. He does some stuff but he doesn't take the responsibility of being the head of the home. So I do. I feel guilty if I were not to cook for him. I feel like even though he may not do his share of things I need to do mine. <P>The OM and I do confide a lot in each other. We've been each others support. Of course he's spent countless hours trying to explain to his wife the issues as I have with my H. We both have been in counseling. We're just getting no where. Trust me I'm trying to do the right thing and the EA has not gone farther. I am glad to have MB to come to because some days I am weak. Thanks for your prayers. You don't know how much they're needed. I appreciate every one so much.<BR>

<BR>ruby,<BR>I am BS. When I found out that my wife was having an A, I was crushed. Does your husband love you? He may not show it much and he might not be meeting your EN's but if you were completly honest with him and told him that you feel like you are not in love with him anymore and considering ending this marraige. I will lay odds that he will get off that couch and pay close attention to what you are saying. I sure wish my wife would have been honest with me before she draged me, my kids, our families, OM family (which ended in a bitter divorce and now my wife lives with that guilt) and so on. Honesty is your best friend in your situation, in my honest opinion.<P>Stillhurts<P>

Stillhurts,<P>I'm sorry that things for you didn't go so well. I can only imagine the pain. I think about what it must be like for someone and that's what keeps me from having a PA. <P>The sad thing is that I've told my H time and time again that I'm thinking of ending the M. Also that if things don't change that It is only natural for me to look elsewhere to get my needs met. It unfortunately hasn't worked. I've been as honest as I can. I don't know why it hasn't made him change. Maybe he just doesn't know how or really doesn't care. All I know is honest to God I have been trying everything. Unfortunately now even if he really does try to make an effort I feel like I just don't care anymore. I have no feelings towards him. When I cried my heart out and begged for him to change he didn't. I can't in my mind understand why all of a sudden he would want to now. I'm so hurt and feel so neglected. He destroyed all the love I had. Now I'm stuck and unhappy. I want to be happy but a lot would need to change in our M before I ever will be. Even though it's not his fault that the OM came into my life, I feel like it is his fault that I would end up where I'm at. If he hadn't let things go between us I would never have had a desire to seek out any other kind of companionship. Like I've been saying before, I am trying to do everything possible to prevent the PA. That's why I am here. I'm just hurting, angry lonely and confused. I feel I'm worth more than I've been given. I'm trying to give it time. I just don't know when it will be enough.

Ruby, I am in the same position you are, except my H does work, and I made the mistake of leaving him and soon after starting a relationship with another man. I did everything arround the house, worked several days a week at our shared business, did yard work, shopped, etc. His laziness killed all feelings I had for him. When I was 7 monthes preg. w/twins, I had to paint the nursery! That's the type of things that killed me inside. He had time for everything but me.<BR>I have 2 of my kids with me, he has one. I hate that they are separated. We live 4 hrs. apart and I live with the OM some of the time. The OM and I are really close friends,but I feel constant guilt and longing for my M to work. I tried to go back, but my H was really acting weird and I can understand him being shook up by the situation, but he was over the top blaming me. He made the remark "YOU go to a psychiatrist before WE can go to marriage counciling", which made me feel he really did blame me 100% and took no blame on himself. Now I wish I'd stayed, to prove him wrong and maybe work it out.<BR>Trust me, all that glitters is not gold. If you have the A and commit to the OM, it may be right, but it will always be tarnished. Then your M will be badly damaged,too, and you'll loose it all. I really felt strongly about my OM, but now I find the guilt and loss of my daughter bearing down on me and I don't think I can ever repair my M.<BR>If you love your H, you'll never get over him, no matter how wonderful your OM is.<BR>Enuff rambling, you can email me if you need to talk one-on-one. sscreations67@msn.com<BR>SS