This just makes so angry!! <P>If he hits you.....LEAVE!! Don't tell me you think you did or said something to make him mad. If he leaves after abusing you, don't tell me that you don't know what to do or you can't afford it. <P>I know you want your marriage to work. Everyone wants their marriages to work. It is possible that it may do that, but not after some SERIOUS help...and it is not YOUR responsibility to get him the help. You can not make him get help and you cannot sit around and take this abuse until he decides he's gonna physically get the help. He has to want to do this on his own. You have to help YOURSELF. <P>My best friend gave me every excuse in the world last night as to why she could not leave. 'I can't afford to; I don't know what to do; I love him; No one can love him the way I do; The kids love their daddy so much; I don't know where I am gonna go; I can't take his kids from him; He's a good man; He "does" treat me good <P>How much is enough? What gives the idea that we are the ones to magically make an abuser change his stripes? What makes us stay? What makes us second guess our instincts to get as far away as possible? I just wanted to switch places with her so she could hear how she sounded. Every word that came out of her mouth defended his actions and she put all the blame on herself. It made me sick to my stomach. <P>What is it? Where and when did we give all the power to these people to determine who we are and to make them think they have the right to abuse us? What can I say to make her see? It is as though this man is disciplining her instead of discussing, compromising, and solving like a married couple should. I just want to put my fist down his throat and slap my own H <P>We have changed so much and become someone we don't know or want to know. Mean and bitter and it is so disappointing.<P> InTheClouds

To forgive does not mean to excuse...<P>We do give others power over us...it is how we have been socialized, domesticated, if you will.<P>Abuse should not be tolerated...the strength has to be internal...<P>Most human relationships are based in fear not in love...we 'fear' being alone...we 'fear' not being loved enough...so we give in or we dominate...<P>If we love ourselves enough, we will not accept abuse...love comes from us...but we have to be filled with our own love...otherwise we are sharing fear...<P>Your friend has to develop the emotional and spiritual resources to be strong and really, truly love herself and feel that she deserves to be loved appropriately and not abused...that she does not have to be afraid to be alone...that she is worthy...that she can stand on her own two feet...<P><BR>Cali<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I will be sure and tell her what you've said Cali, thanks. <P>She told me last night that he found a place and is telling her of all his plans to get furniture and stuff. Her response to this was to give him the bedroom set and that she would sleep in her sons room in the bunkbed. <P>She then said that he accused her of spreading all thier business around the town. Ever since their last fight, noone has called or come by to see her. She has not had an oppurtunity to tell anyone he knows cause they don't come around anymore. He had a nerve to tell her, "Where are your friends now? See how many friends you have when you really need them." I wanted to fly down there and say a few words to him to put him in his place. <P>Her sister offered to move in with her to help her out and one of her other friends told her she could move in with them until she got on her feet. She gave an excuse to why neither idea is good. She says she asked him for x amount of money a month to help out with the bills and he told her that the amount requested was ridiculous. Now she thanks he is not going to give her anything and refuses to get dirty with him. She says she will not burn her husband.<P>She is just too good for him. This woman has carried this man for 7 years. It is time for her to stop and let him be responsible for himself, but not let him off on the responsibilities of his kids. I hope that they do work things out, but I am biased. I don't want her hurting like this and her H does not have a good track record. She feels so strongly on being "the one" to make the difference.<BR>My poor buddy. I hope she comes out of the fog ASAP. <P>Today is a new day. We'll see how this one goes for her. For me as well. <P>Clouds <P>