my sister (19) is in an abusive relationship with her BF they have been living together for about a year.<BR>she tells me that he holds guns to her head, slaps her, punches her <BR>etc.<P>recently a friend told me she overheard sister say to her BF something to the extent of "do you plan on whoring me out again?"<BR>i asked sister about this she says not true.<BR>my sister wont leave him... shes gave me numerous reasons<BR>1. she loves him<BR>2 she doesnt want to have to move home with mom and dad.<BR>3 she is leaving just as soon as she gets enough money.<P>i have offered to let her stay here but she wont.... she just wont leave.<P>i was in an abusive realtionship when i was her age. and when i look at her all i see is me all over again.<P>i told her this and she says its not the same......<P>it is but shes just blinded right now.<BR>any suggestions on how to get it through her thick head that she HAS TO leave before it gets worse?<P><BR>

I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Say prayers for her, as a starter.<P>I'm sorry for what you are having to live with...and I am at a loss to offer advice. I think SHE has to be the one willing to leave.<P>Do continue to offer her your home as a respite....she may just "wake up" one day...and if you've continued to be a positive presence in her life, she'll come to you.<P>Again, I'm sorry.

My bestfriend is in a similar situation and so was my own sister. My sister came to her senses and walked away. My GF is still lost in it. <P>We helped my sister by being positive and constantly uplifting her spirits. We boosted her confidence while he he kept tearing it down. Eventually she realized we are her family and our love was unconditional. She got the idea that we would always be there and only wanted the best for her. Our love for her is the true love she was searching for. She accepted that on her own time, of course, but we were consistant with it. <P>She is going through some depression and withdrawal now, but she is getting better and knows it was the best thing for her in leaving these men (there were more than one). I talk to her all the time about her bitter attitude and that she needs to let that go in order to move on. She is not ready to do that yet and until she builds up the strength I think she is getting from it, she will remain a bitter person. This is her side effect, but atleast she is alive.<P>My best friend, like I said, is in a abusive situation too. The last fight happened just last weekend. As a result, he left and is supposedly staying on his own somewhere, but he won't tell her where. I am glad and hope she never finds out cause she would be over there every chance she got. Unfortunately, he chose to leave and not in hopes that they fix things. She wants him to come back so they can get help together . She doesn't seem to get that being apart from him is the best thing for them and her kids right now. He was abusing her in front of the kids. It has affected them a great deal. Now that he is not in the house, she notices a big difference in the kids. They seem much more calm. They really don't seem to miss him, but then again, he was never around when he was at the house. <P>So, the only thing I think you can do is to be there for her<BR>and to stay consistent with your self-esteem boosting and unconditional love. Talk to her everyday if you can. Have patience and ask God for help. She will come around when she is ready. Just give her as much love as you can and pray. <P>We are here for you Keep us posted. <P>Clouds

Hi Rox,<P>Your sister and mine, too. What <I>can</I> we do??<P>I'm here more to commiserate than to offer advice, I'm stuck, the same as you are. No matter how much we are aware that they are 'adults' now, we still feel somewhat responsible for their well-being, and we care so much. At what point is it wise to intervene, and at what point do you need to let go? We'd be geniuses of we could figure this one out. <P>Ok, my turn to b*tch My sister (also 19) has been on the road to her own personal little hell since high school. She was 'dating' a 27 year old man when she was just 17! I dunno, but I thought that was called pediophillia. He hit her, used her, took what was left of her innocence which should have been saved for a better man than himself. My dad and I both wanted to find out where this guy lived - it's probably better that we didn't. Now, she is involved with a guy who likes to rob banks. She is now an accessory to his most recent venture.<P>Frequently, I think about her. I think about the fact that I should have tied her up, thrown her in the back of the truck and taken her to the Air Force recruiter's office to sign the next 4 yrs of her life away to a place where she WOULD be safe and looked after and cared about. I love her, but she has no common sense. She has no self esteem. She is content to live off of men who are more than happy to use her for the few free things she has to offer. SHe will not get a job, and the jobs she wants are out of her reach or just no good for her. (Fighter pilot with the eyesight of a mole lol {just like her big sis} or bartender). <P>I have talked with her until I was blue in the face. I have offered to take her to the recruiter, talked to the recruiter myself, given her bags and bags of food, clothes, cosmetics.... I don't even know where she is right now. Neither of her parents (our Dad her Mom) are competant, neither of them really seem to care beyond a point, hell, both of them were into the same crap she is now at the same age. I feel like I have failed her too.<P>What <I>can</I> we do? <P>Khyra

My oldest sister became involved with a guy who was abusive a few years ago. As everyone here has noted, talking to her about getting out of the situation did not help. If anything it seemed to push her closer to him.<P>Then one night at about mid-night, she called our mom crying after an attack. I do not call it a fight because she was not fighting back... he was yelling at her and then started some physical stuff. He ripped off her earrings and necklace (gifts from him). Then he ripped the toilet tank off the wall and threw it at her. It hit her in the leg and foot. She fled from the house on foot and made it to a pay phone. Her plan was to walk (actually hobble) to our mom's house with a swollen foot and leg. My mom called one of our brothers who found her and took her directly to the emergency room. Since my brother was with her, he told the doctor what happened. No one covered up the story. She had a couple of broken bones in her foot and was very bruised. There the doctor did what he had to do by law, he called the police. <P>And this is the point of my telling the story. At that point my sister could not retract the story. In most states they no longer leave it to the abused person to press charges. Instead the police department brings the charges. So she could not protect him. Not only could she not protect him, but the court issued a restraining order so not neither one of them could be around the other. <P>I think that this was the only reason she was able to see the situation for what it was. When it was the doctor, the police and the courts telling her that it was a bad situation she listened. We, of course did not know anything. All I care about is that she listened to SOMEONE. She moved out and he bought out her interest in the home they had brought together. This ended their relationship.<P>I have a couple of other stories like this one with friends/family. But I think one is enough here.<P>So keep doing the things you can to keep the lines open between yourself and the person you care about. Watch closely and help build their esteem. Try to educate them as much as they will allow that. If all are lucky they will come to their sense on their own. But if not an opportunity may arise when they will ask you for help... do what needs to be done.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare