I have posted in the past few days regarding the situation I find myself in. I am finding it hard to put into words. As I unravel more details of the affair, I have more unanswered questions. When the OM moved in with his grandparents who live next door to us last winter, my wife did not have much good to say about the situation. She said she didn't understand why he didn't do more to meet the needs of his grandparents, and even said it appeared he was quite lazy. This was an opinion by the way shared by other neighbors, who saw the property begin to go downhill. In fact, I couldn't stand it enough myself, that when he was gone, I would go over and do some of the jobs myself without their knowledge. Things like cleaning out gutters, etc. He attempted to take a job once, but was fired within a week for failing to show up 2 days in a row without calling. He says he was too sick to make the call. My wife began a slight friendship with him out of respect for his grandparents. The grandmother would sing his praises trying to build him up as a way to convince herself as much as anything. It was during this time that the grandparents daughter died from a long fight with cancer (the aunt of the OM). They took this very hard, since their only other child (the OM's father) died in the military when the OM was very young. Since neither my wife or myself have family in our area, and my wife's father has died, my wife began to try to take the place of the daughter they had lost and the things she used to do for them (including being available for conversation). This would take her into their home often for long periods of time. It also satisfied a need she had to feel like she had surrogate parents available to her, since they are the same age as her parents (eighties). It was during these times that she began to notice the OM in other ways. She liked the fact that he was quiet in a mysterious way. That there was very little known of his past. He became a clean slate to her, and she began a friendship based upon their common interest (grandparents). This grew into a private friendship where she began to fill in that blank slate with her own needs being written upon it. It was at this time we were doing some remodeling of our home. Updating the bathroom, etc. The grandmother had been telling my wife how he could "do anything" with tools etc., so my wife without discussing it with me "hired" him to work on our home. This was a way she said that he could make some extra money, and still be available for the grandparents. She started making a list of all the things she would like to have done, including many things that we never discussed and I was not aware of. These were all things that I could do myself, but she said I was too busy, and this would be a good opportunity to get things done and do a favor at the same time. It was during thses times that their friendship grew, and an emotional affair began. She began to look for new ways to have him come to the house. To talk, to ask his opinion, to share her dreams and frustrations. He listened. She began falling deeper. She took the clean slate and wrote all of her dreams, secret desires, and hopes for the future on it, with no past pain or dissapointment. He became her knight in shining armor. The man who could make her happy. The EA deepened, and became a PA, when she told him of her feelings of love. They embraced and shared a "passionate kiss" (as described by my wife). This was repeated on one other occasion (again according to my wife). She says that so far, that has been the extent of their physical involvement. This all occured in my home, where they had unlimited access to each other during the day. In looking back, she says that this time was "the happiest time of my life". It was in the middle of this time, that we were to leave on a long planned vacation to Vancouver and Victoria, British Columbia. I have already shared how that was a passion filled trip that seemed to me like a second honeymoon. She has shared that she was greatly conflicted, and the passion was directed at him mentally. That she retreated to a world where I was just there physically, but in every other way she was with him. The OM drove us to the airport, and picked us up upon our return. I was not comfortable with this, but I was in my own fog of trusting her completely still. It was soon after this that D-day occured. I found a love poem/letter she had written to him that she left out by accident. Since then, my world has become a swirlling vortex of pain. Details emerge slowly, and I am left with deciding to try to find more out or not. There is no trail of phone calls and/or e-mail, since he is next door, and also could never afford a computer. She told me approximately 2-1/2 weeks ago that they met at a local public place without touching and agreed that they needed to back off with no contact for a period of time while she "sorted things out". I found out a week and a half after this that they were still in contact with each other. This came to light when she was feeling guilty about it, and also the marriage counselor we have been seeing urged her to be "radically Honest" with me. In their last contact, he said that he was going to avoid her until she could look at her marriage. She told me just 2 days ago that she felt he "was being cruel", and "should let me down more gently". The fog has shown some signs of lifting and returning, and she is in a constant state of turmoil. Yesterday I received my copy of Surviving Infidelity as was suggested I read by others on this board, and I am now reading it. Last night she went into a deep depression, and was grieving many things, including as she put it "my home, my home, ..." She has said she feels like "God does not want her to be happy". I have told her that God does indeed want her to be happy, but our choices have more to do with that then that God chooses to bestow or not bestow happiness. I am so afraid that we will never be free of this nightmare with the OM so close. I am seeing signs of reality setting in, and I have spent time telling her how I have failed her in our relationship. Also how I am taking steps to make the significant changes needed to see to it that those things will not happen again. She is understandibly skeptical but still seems somehow appreciative. We are very uneasy with each other at this point, and she is still talking about leaving for a period of time to be alone. What she has now termed a "time-out". I am still trusting God in this situation for wisdom, strength, and peace. I just hope that this OM will continue to keep his distance and may even decide for the best to leave.<P>BrokenH

BrokenH,<P>Move. ASAP.<P>-AD

BrokenH,<P>Oh my-what a terrible situation you are in. And here I think it is bad enough to have the OW in the next town.<P>Moving would be a great idea if you were able to do this. However........something tells me you have been in your house for a long time and have deep ties there. Is moving a possibility at all?<P>What does this OM have to say? You don't mention having spoken with him. Do you expect he will be there long term (it almost appears that way by your description of him and his life style)?<P>It seems like your W may be really confused at this point and regretful of all the hurt and turmoil she has caused you and herself.<P>I think if your marriage was a good one before it can be again. But of course she has to go through all the stages now of recovery-and will have to drag you through it also.<P>I wish you the best of luck! Somehow I see hope in your situation.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Yes, Move if at all possible. In difference to what others may think....if there is still contact then what does that tell you? Hope? Well there is always hope. Eventually ALL CONTACT must end for hope to have a chance. Right? <P> I think you are a very strong fellow. I cannot see myself living next door to the OM and not killing his a$$. Or at the very least giving it my best shot. Don't know how you have kept yourself out of a confrontation with him. <P> Stay strong and keep us posted.<P> Good luck<P> jd

As everyone seems to agree, I too believe that moving is the best solution for you--if your wife and finances can handle the idea.<P>If a part of you says that running away would not be the solution, just imagine what you must endure to have to face the guy day in and day out--OR--what you might go through in order to avoid the guy day in and day out. Is that worth all the hassle?<P>Whatever you decide, it has to be something that you can honestly live with. Some BSs have enormous curiosity about OP, in your case, OP is right there in your face! UGH! Are you all right??? Seems like you need a big pat on the back for keeping your sanity thus far! CONGRATULATIONS!

BrokenH,<P>I am a BS too and the OM's kid went to the same school as my kid. D-day was in August 2000 and school started in Sept. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would have pulled my kid out and changed schools in order to avoid the nightmare that was to follow. The last thing you need is to see him or have the constent thought of possably running in to him day after day, week after week, month...... Do you see what I mean? The recovery will be much easier and faster if he is out of the picture intierly. If I were in your shoes and moving is not an option, I would go directly to OM and tell him in very few words, "you better move" and leave it at that. Hopfuly it will keep him guessing and wondering what could possably be in your head and the fear of not knowing will drive him to move. <P>I see that you have faith in God, remember that he is an awsome God and there is hope. Your wife prayed for you. Don't forget to take her asside and pray over her. When my wife was in the "fog" one thing I asked her was did the OM ever pray with her? That question knocked her for a loop and helped her come out of the "fog". <P>This is just my honest opinion and may or may not work for you but remember this, there is hope. Don't give up. Educate yourself as much as possable. You have been blessed already for finding Marriage Builders, you have many friends here. Welcome<P>Stillhurts<P>Matthew 11:28<BR>"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest"<BR>