Although my WS says she wants a divorce, simply refuses to file and makes excuses as to why she won't file. I would think that while in the 'fog' they are in, which allows them to act illogically, irrationally and selfishly, they would be even more inclined to file, yet after reading most of the posts here and in D/D, they rarely do? Can anyone tell me why that is? Especially WS's?

They are in the fog but they have not quite totally lost their minds. Many WS's seem to know that the OP is not really good for them, or they're not sure, that's why they hang on to the M.<BR>My WH has never mentioned D to me although he lives with OW. I think he knows deep down that it probably won't work out with her but he doesn't care and keeps going along for the ride.

I agree with Maezy. Although I am the BS, I understand now that the WS truly doesn't know what he/she wants. It's the fence sitting thing while they eat their cake (augh!). <P>IMO, so long as you are plan Aing a WS, they have no reason to make any real decisions. They have nothing to lose by staying just where they are. They seem to want to keep ALL options totally open, just in case. Wouldn't you do the same in any situation where you had nothing to lose and nothing to gain by changing anything?<P>Karen<BR>

Inde,<P>Why? Could be because they are confused. What spills out of their mouth is 1/2 truth. The other half (following through on their threats/words) are sometimes dependent on you. In other words, some think that if they say it, you'll do it. Remember if they are the takers, they expect you to give them whatever they say.... hm..... Surprise!!!!! No dice this time...... In my case, H said that several times, each time after I came to a settling point, I said ok, go ahead. He never did. OW was mad but hey he never did. Oh well.......<P>So you asked why, that is my take on this...... how are you doing?<P>L.<BR>

I see both your points Maezy and Topie. However, although I have not written the WS a plan B letter because I have been unable to verify the identity of OM as well as if it is an EA or PA, I have been Plan B'ing for 2 mos now, so she gets no EN's met from me. But I guess like Topie said, there doesn't appear to be a need for the WS to take action since they do not lose anything by not filing.

Hey Orchid, thanks for your reply and for your support when I really needed it the other day. I'm doing much better now. It was just a really bad day once I made that discovery. My problem right now is I can't file because you have to be living in HI for 3 mos prior. I am only Plan B'ing because I have no other choice. Oh well, movin on...

Inde,<P>I wouldn't file. I would let her do all the work......after all she caused the mess. Let her clean it up. That is the logic I used with H. <P>Unless you have your own personal need to do it, I would let it rest with her. JMHO..<P>Glad to hear you are doing better. <P>L. <BR>

Thanks for the reply Orchid. I will let her do it if/when she decides. The only thing(s) I worry about are 1. Revisiting this pain all over again after feeling great and 2. Possibly giving her more of my assets down the road than if I filed myself asap.

Interesting thread. The replies here confirm what I already thought. My WS has been threatening D since May, even wanted my help. I refused. She hasn't taken any action yet. As Topie25 said, doing nothing is safe. Filing for D or recommitting to the marriage have risks and consequences. <P>I can't speak for WS's, but I would assume that most feel a tremendous amount of guilt for the A, now add the guilt of filing for D and tearing families apart. I don't know that I could handle it. I've comtemplated filing myself, and I don't know if I could handle the guilt, and I didn't have an A.<P>I feel for you, I can't imagine knowing it's over and wanting a D, but having my hands tied legally. <BR>sad dad<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 10, 2001).]

I don't know for sure. When my H walked out he told me it was totally over, no chance of getting back together etc. Yet he never filed. He never even went to see a lawyer. I think there are some who really just aren't sure, and some who want the BS to file so the WS doesn't look like the bad guy. I really don't care why he didn't file, it was a gift. In these situations time of our ally. The more time we have, the better. I never would have filed and I would have contested a divorce. I did see a lawyer, just in case. H was quite surprised when he found that out.

One thing that a WS cannot do is make a decision...especially a permanent one. That is taking on too much responsibility. That is claiming the ability to know what we are doing. By actually taking steps to file for something, we have to admit that we know what we are doing, know what is best, and have decided on a course of action. Even when speaking of filing, it is usually in response to something else...a fight or argument and in an angry fit saying, "Ill show you...I'll just file for divorce and we'll end this RIGHT NOW!!" After the appropriate cooling off period, we come to our senses. The other thing that forces our hand is showing the OP how strong we are, so we may go see the lawyer, even file (in order to "prove ourselves" to OP that our intentions are good, and still, knowing we don't truly want this (yet) never move on it and blame the courts or lawyers, (as opposed to being honest and stating to OP that we are not ready yet for this decision).<P>WS aren't truly in a place where they truly believe that D is what they want. Basically, we are what we are labeled...WEAK. In all actuality, we would probably go along with it if the BS started the D, because we are too weak to either state we dont want that, or because we are too afraid to let the OP know the truth, that we still love the Spouse. It is a horrible place to be in life...on either side of that fence.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Gee, I like that post, Trueheart! Puts into words what we BS's know in our hearts.<P>Thank you!

Wow. Some great posts here. Keep this going and bump it up once in awhile.

In my case the other guy was very sexy and hansome and smooth at talking. All the ladies liked this guy that my wife had an affair with. This guy is married and still has sex with other women. My wife realizes that he would make a bad husband because she doesn't want a husband who cheats. So this is one reason she didn't marry this other guy and married me instead. My wife just enjoyed the sex with a handsome, virile guy and figured I wouldn't find out. But she would rather be married to a guy a little less attractive but is faithful to her.

bumping up, let's hear from more WS's!

Little bump. Speak your mind WS's!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trueheart:<BR><B>One thing that a WS cannot do is make a decision...especially a permanent one. That is taking on too much responsibility. That is claiming the ability to know what we are doing. By actually taking steps to file for something, we have to admit that we know what we are doing, know what is best, and have decided on a course of action. ... Or showing the OP how strong we are, so we may go see the lawyer, even file (in order to "prove ourselves" to OP that our intentions are good, and still, knowing we don't truly want this, never move on it.<P>WS aren't truly in a place where they truly believe that D is what they want. Basically, we are what we are labeled...WEAK. In all actuality, we would probably go along with it if the BS started the D, because we are too weak to either state we dont want that, or because we are too afraid to let the OP know the truth, that we still love the Spouse. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Well said, Trueheart. This is exactly where my WH is. He did go see a lawyer, did have papers drawn up, and sent to me. However, they were for UNcontested divorce. I saw a lawyer, and she told me I don't have to sign them if that is not what I want. I didn't.<P>WH has never brought them up in 3 1/2 months at all in our phone conversations. I thought he was totally sure this was what he wanted, since he never made such a BOLD move before in our M. I now think it's exactly what you said: he was "proving" something to OW. I don't think he really wants this, or he would have pushed for it before now. <P>In fact, after he left, and we spoke for the first time, even though whole conversation was a MAJOR LB by me, he did state that I had "given him things he still had to think though..." - I think he had convinced himself that we both wanted out of our rotten M, and now wasn't so sure....and 3 1/2 months later, still is thinking (!)<P>Lupo

An amazing thread.<P>I (BS) was the one who did everything towards D (saw lawyer, figured out split of finances, paperwork, even paid court fees). WS all the while stated that she wanted a D, that there was nothing left to do. But she never saw a lawyer, never followed through. With a couple of remaining unresolved issues left (particularly the division of one huge outstanding student loan) we had one last full-blown, all out, nasty verbal fight. I told her I would pay it all, went to the lawyer, and signed the papers. I truly had had it.<P>VIOLA! WS woke up, ended it with OM. We have been in recovery for 9 months since. Our marriage, while still recovering, is more than I ever imagined it could be (even pre-A).<P>I DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS METHOD. IT IS A MIRACLE SHE WOKE UP AND DID NOT SIGN AND ENDED A (GOD'S WORK NO DOUBT). It is just that, at that point, I thought I did want it...to escape the awful fence sitting and continual lies. I do think that one large negative consequence of Plan A is that it almost encourages WS's to fence sit. As others have pointed out, that is the choice of least resistance to the WS. Our story does point out the inability of many WS's to finally say goodbye, to face up to the real consequences of choices made. All the "I've fallen out of love with you's, all of the fake bravado when OP is around to hear, all of the smart-assed, convinced resignation aside...In most cases the WS simply does not know what the hell they are saying or doing until push comes to shove. When they tell you (the BS) that they are confused, it may not just be another lie. It may be the only truthful word that comes out of their mouths while this mess is raging. Maybe you should believe this one and act accordingly.<P>The best of luck to all and hang in there. It just may turn out for the best after all.<P>JB

No great revelations here. I agreed to my w standing offer to divorce (her favorite tool for last 5 years to hit me with), she said no, she didn't really want one. She snooped about, verified her suspicions in short order, went to pieces, and left me no choice (due to my own sense of fairplay) but to revisit one more time, should we be married. I will say she is a whole lot more motivated than the last dozen times we have tried to fix the marriage.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:<BR><B>No great revelations here. I agreed to my w standing offer to divorce (her favorite tool for last 5 years to hit me with), she said no, she didn't really want one. She snooped about, verified her suspicions in short order, went to pieces, and left me no choice (due to my own sense of fairplay) but to revisit one more time, should we be married. I will say she is a whole lot more motivated than the last dozen times we have tried to fix the marriage. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Confused SnL- Have you filed before? Or, are you saying your W just uses this as a tool during bouts? You, as the WS, why haven't you filed, is the question.<P><BR>More please, I'd really like to hear more from the WS'.<P>