H wants to confront OW#1's H, to tell him that yes, it IS true that they had an A, and that she's continuing it with someone new now. He refuses to phone him. He doesn't like confrontation like that. So here's the scenerio and questions:<P>Your have no idea your S is involved in an A (or multiple A's). You know something is wrong, but not sure what it is (think back to pre-MB times here). Someone sends you various documents in the mail (copies of emails, etc) proving that something fishy is going on (or that someone has spent WAY TOO much time making stuff up).<P>Would you believe what you saw?<P>What else would it take to believe it? (photos are out of the question, as well as a personal phone call).<P>Any comments, suggestions, good or bad input etc would be much appreciated. Thanks!<P>Karen<BR>

Topie,<BR>Why be vindictive?<P>The situation is horrible anyway. Why not walk away, forget, and try to forgive. So she's a sleeze.<P>The actual real issue is you and your H. Does destroying her take away the pain of what you two've through? Probably not.<P>I would ask my H (if he were going to do that) to just drop it so we could mend ourselves.<P>Sorry I can't come up with a better idea than this. Just try and forget the hurt. hugs, aftershock

Hi,<P>I really hope I don't offend you by what I've written here.<P>Sorry, I don't know your story, but right away it seemed to me that your h wants to get at xOW because she dumped him - is that right - and took up with someone else. Is he still harbouring feelings, because this sounds like a bit of a jealous act.<P>But remember the BS...he has feelings, you know - you've been there. Ask yourself what would you believe, what it would do to YOU to have someone present you with this. I think he'll find out soon enough...WS always give signals and signs that something isn't right and he'll begin to see this.<P>Sorry, but if it all over btw your h and her, it is none of his business what she is doing now, neither is her marriage. Disclosure is her job, and even though you would like to see her get what she deserves, making this move can only be a mistake.<P>Just my 2cents.

OW#1's H was confronted months ago by me (shortly after my d-day time frame in mid March 2001). OW convinced him that it was bull, and my 'proof' was purposely done to teach me not to snoop in my H's emails. Of course, H kept his mouth shut. He believed they were in love, and could overcome all.<P>H was the one to dump her. Although, all he did was just stop contacting her (although she attempted to reinitiate it a few times online). I do know, that upon their last meeting in person, she tried to kiss H, and he wouldn't allow her (this was a few weeks before he started to live here again).<P>But yes, it is definitely a revenge issue for H. He's hurting more than he can talk about (right now?). OW is feeding the EXACT same WS script to her new OM that she gave my H (I love you and miss you so much, we will be together forever soon, as it was always meant to be... blah blah blah).<P>This falls more under the category of the BS having the right to know what's going on. I know for myself, that if I had enough evidence on a WS, I would want to tell the BS about it. I had, and he didn't believe me. But as the WS, wouldn't you believe it more coming from the OP? Or perhaps even anonymously out of the blue?<P>Karen<BR>

Multiple emails/letters would achieve the trick for me, along with a phone # where I could follow up and ask questions if needed. The inclusion of the phone # would prove to me that it wasn't an unfounded drive-by attack on the wife. [she will probably try to explain it away as such] I would definitely consider it a kindness if someone alerted me to an affair, because I would be going crazy trying to figure out what was wrong anyway. And it sure doesn't sound like the OW is decent enough to ever be honest about something the husband has a RIGHT to know!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B>This falls more under the category of the BS having the right to know what's going on. I know for myself, that if I had enough evidence on a WS, I would want to tell the BS about it. I had, and he didn't believe me. But as the WS, wouldn't you believe it more coming from the OP? Or perhaps even anonymously out of the blue?<P>Karen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree with your reasoning on these grounds, that the husband has right to know. I think the others have a point that the motivation might be revenge but that doesn't erase the fact that he has a right to know.<P>

Hi Topie,<P>I can kind of understand. In a sense, you don't want him to go through life in the dark..... yet you also don't know how he will react. <P>With this delimea, you take your chances. If you choose to reveal, be prepared it may not be well received and can you live with that? If yes, then go ahead. If no, then rethink your options. <P>It is the effect on you that you need to consider. Would I want to be told? Yes. Would I attack the other spouse that told me? hmm.... No...<P>Why? Because I would know that this information did not come easily. Maybe that is what you need to preference your message with. Then it might set the tone and make it easier to digest. Either way it will be a blow. <P>Take care, <BR>L. <BR>

Hi Karen, if you already talked to XOW's H about the affair and he didn't believe you, I'm not sure it would do much good.<P>HOWEVER, if it would make your H feel better and help with your recovery, AND help another BS to find out the truth, well, I'm all for it.<P>I mean, maybe your H could rest easier with himself if he did it all anonymously and just let the chips fall where they may. As long as he doesn't follow-up if nothing comes of it and get obsessive with it, y'no?<P>HbH

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtbyhubby:<BR><B>I mean, maybe your H could rest easier with himself if he did it all anonymously and just let the chips fall where they may. As long as he doesn't follow-up if nothing comes of it and get obsessive with it, y'no?<P>HbH</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that's what he needs. Some form of closure. It's not for me (although I'm more than willing to help and support H to do this)... I got my closure last week (I posted about how eventually some emails I forwarded to someone got to OW's adoption worker and her application was denied at this time b/c of it).<P>Although I haven't said anything to H, I would bet that none of this would be an issue, had he written a no contact letter to her in the first place, and just told her H flat out that it was true, and left it at that. He has had absolutely no closure on this. I know how important that can be, which is probably why I'm so willing to help him get it. I just want to help him to let go too.<P>The idea would be to send the info to OW's H anonymously. Just to know that he got it. Sure, we'd LOVE to be 'a fly on the wall' when he reads it or confronts his W with it, but reality says we'll never know. But just like it is to follow the plans on here, you want to make sure you did everything you could do, so that you won't live with the 'what ifs'.<P>Karen<BR>

My BIL found out his wife was having an A and he called the OM's wife. The OM's wife was devastated and lost her baby. This is just my opinion but I don't see how telling the OP's spouse about the A helps or changes anything. After all the person is a BS just like some of us, and we all know what pain it brings, Why hurt someone who is innocent?<p>[This message has been edited by LostinAnger (edited September 10, 2001).]

Hi again,<P>Has your h sent her a no contact letter in the past? If not, this may be why he is experiencing this need to do something.<P>Before I was married I had a five year relationship with a guy who left me to go live OS, didn't tell me he was intending to stay there, just STAYED THERE.<P>So I never felt any closure, until I did this: I sent him a letter a couple of YEARS later, telling him how great my life was at the time, great job, new car, new guy, etc, etc.<P>And at the end I said something about how we never really said goodbye properly, so I was doing that now ...GOODBYE!<P>I don't even know if he got the letter, but it sure closed things up for me.<P>Maybe he could do this instead? It's a lot less vindictive, and causes no pain to the innocent one in all of this, the H of the OW.

Karen:<P>I think any BS has the right to know. However, it should not be an issue of "revenge" ... so it depends on implementing it out of care for a fellow human's feelings, and not to lash out at (former) OP.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL