Where do I start?<P>First of all where can a new person to Marriage builders get the definitions to all the abbreviations used in this forum? Like I know MB = Marriage builders right? H = Husband W = Wife etc. That is about all I have figured out so far.<P>August 2001 with out a doubt was the worst month in my life after a series of bad months. I am 38, my wife 36 we have been married 19 years this coming December. We have three teenagers. I have never cheated on her. <P>I just found out what was going on the last week of Aug. about two weeks ago. We are still together, she has not had contact with the other man that I know about since the night I confronted her with what I know. I told her, choose me and call him and break it off completely and tell him it is OVER or choose him and call for him to pick you up. I still love her with ALL MY HEART. All I want is for her to be happy. I lover her enough to let her go and find what ever it is that I could not giver her. I lover her enough to not let me hurt me by seeing another man at the same time you understand? <P>This was before I found this site. I thank God for what I said and did the night I had SOLID information and confronted her. I originally woke her up to kick her out and she knew it. But my heart took over and I started to think there was a very remote possibility we could survive this IF she chose me. Put the primary thing that had to happen was he HAD TO BE GONE! Then I could think about making this work. Right? I felt that for her to love me she would need to respect me, and if she chose both and I went along with it, she would not respect me.<P>We seem to be in the “honeymoon stage” already. Almost everything is better between us. She is making some effort yet I feel a strong need to go over the affair better, what created the distance between us and the months leading up to the affair.<P>So before I ask any questions about how to recover and stuff, where do I tell our story? Where do I post it?<P>I am doing better with not bursting into tears as much. But I need help coping. This is her first affair as far as I know. She met the ()*^&^$&^$##$@ at a game site, and exchanged love notes (email), LOTS of instant messages, voice chat and I think phone calls from work and pay phones. She has only meet with him in real life 2 times. Luckly, he lives about 2+ hours away, (or unluckily depending how you look at it, 2 hours is better than 5 minutes away, but in another country might be better right?) She claimed to be looking for a job (so happens that type of job is not avalibe in our little town and only in the town the guy he was seeing lives!) <P>The first “job hunting trip” she was gone for over 15 hours and did not even call to let us know where she was and she was ok until after 12 hours with what is now known to be all lies. This got me wondering a little because this was not like to not leave a note or call.<P>The second time she was gone over 24 hours and from one morning to the after noon of the next day. This time she did not call until the next day about noon. I called the highway patrol, hospitals etc. I was going to phone in a missing person report but called ma friend that has been married over 25 years for advice. Then I decided to wait just a little longer and she called about 11 am or 12.<P>That morning before she called I stared poking around the computer to find out anything I could about where she was. I was so stupid that I still trusted her and her having an affair was never considered. I was concerned that she got some bogus jobe information from someone online and was taken, murdered what ever. A million and one ideas ran through my head, none good. I guess I needed just one more idea, she was having an affair. <P>If she had called that night, and told some more lies like I need more time to get applications or I have an interview tomorrow, or I am just too tired to drive back, I never would have suspected or found what I did no the computer.<P>I found bits and pieces of something going on. Then I considered she was having an affair for the first time. But convinced myself it was not an affair and I only needed more information. I know computers and software really well. I even assumed another online identy to infiltrate her online world of friends to gather information. With in a short time I had too much information. The first real clue caused pain that I did not know existed. It was basicly like this, “HIM: hi are you there? MY WIFE: “I can’t talk now”, HIM: “I love you” MY WIFE, “I love you to, so much”. Then mushy good byes, I am now having enough trouble keeping together right now, typing this to you all, that is all I can add about that right now.<P>“I love you”, words that once meant such great indiscernible feelings of joy and happiness, now had a double edge, and cut deeper and farther in the other direction. I just sat there ant stared at what she wrote for I don’t know how long. ONLY betrayed people in here can begin to imagine the incredible indescribable pain, and it would get worse. The next pieces of information, if you can believe it, were much worse.<P>Well I have already said more than I planed. As you can see I need to talk to someone. I need to understand (how many time has that been said in here?!?!) I need to tell our story in FULL. Although this is already much longer than I intended my “short question to be, this is not any ware near the full story.<P>Some of the questions I have, besides why, are, why do I FEEL like I should not bring it up to work on it so I don’t hurt HER? Is their a woman in here that had an affair that could help me understand?<P>Here is one of the many problems I have. I makes me feel twisted and weird, but none the less here is one of the MANY things I am really hurting about. In reading the postings and answers in here for about a week I feel I can take the risk and be open with you people. Just know this, I am having a lot of trouble typing through tear filled eyes. My heart is pounding in my throat, and the kids are walking around so I am holding ALL THAT BACK through out this letter.<P> It might me just me, or the chauvinist pig that lurks some ware deep inside me. But I feel that it is worse for a wife to sleep with another than a man to. I am sure the women in here that were betrayed in here will strongly disagree. I am not talking about the PAIN it causes necessarily, but the act. When a husband sleeps with another woman, the other woman may be in his hear but he can wash her off his body. When the wife sleeps with another, she is allowing another man insider heard as well as physically. THAT can’t be washed off.<P>My wife had unsafe sex with this guy, and then slept with me the same day. That really bugs me. To make it worse, how can I say this, she allowed me please her, hhmmmm, how do I say this? Well here goes, if I offend you I am sorry, but this is killing me and I have no one to talk. Her and I talk, not as much as I would like to. Well, she let me go down on her after she got home form being with HIM only hours before. This is before I knew what was going on. Do you get how sick and discussed that is. HOW COULD SHE LET ME DO THAT. She stops me about 75% of the time form doing that, but not this time!<P>The other problem is how do I stop “seeing” them together in bed? Her not only allowing him but wanting him and enjoying him? AAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH. I have a very vivid imagination. Plus I saw some nude pictures he sent her of himself and one of those charts with hundreds of positions on it. Instant message conversation between her and him after the first time but before the second overnight time. They were talking about how much they loved each other and ALL THE things they did and wanted to do together. NO WONDER she was gone over night, they HAD A LONG LIST! Yet I try to believe her when she said she slept almost the whole time. But is that better? Did they do so much together that she was worn out and had to sleep 16 hours? Does she fantasias about him? Do I please her more or less than him? Is eh better in bed and she says he was not to make me feel better? Then there is the stupid mail type question: Does she like his pecker better? Is it bigger? Does he go longer? And on and on and on. A woman with an husband that has slept with another woman does not have questions like this to deal with. <P>The betrayed wife has the opportunity to LEARN to please her husband in bed like the other woman did. I can learn some new stuff, I have always been looking for ways to please her better. But a man can’t learn himself a bigger, fatter pecker! Don’t get me wrong, I and not physically challenged. I believe I am of average size. I know their are guys that are bigger and smaller. I saw that he was not physically challenged either. Put the picture doesn’t tell the whole story you know? What does she think? We have talked about all this, yet I am very insecure STILL. How do I get confident, secure and stop worrying if I am competing with her memory of him?<P>We need to and I am willing to expand the bedroom activities. One of the things she explained was that she thought I would react badly and lose respect for her if the suggested new things to try. She says she has ALWAYS been satisfied with out bedroom activities, but then why sleep with him? I can go longer and try new things as well as be open to the same. One of the things I fear is this. How can I create the excitement of making LOVE to new person? The excitement of doing it again for the first time? The excitement of all the danger. The feeling of a new pecker. An all the other things people discover and do for the first time. <P> I feel like yesterdays news, leftovers, stale. I have wondered what it would feel like to be with another woman, yet NEVER DID. Before I felt safe because I was the only man in her life. Any inadequacies I had would be unknown to her because she had no references, no men to compare me to. Now I feel like my little sweetheart has been tainted willingly, seeded by another man, with out any contraceptives being used. She has been ravished by another and there is no way to put the genie back in the bottle.<P>Combine all the detailed information, the pictures of him nude, ( One was him with an erection called “For You”) and I vivid imagination and you have one heck of a trigger! IT can be triggered by almost anything or out of the blue! One of the worst times was last week when the kids and I (who know nothing) were walking to the store and they were talking about one of their friends just found out her fiancé was having an affair, and on and on. I was ready to burst into one of those crying session that knock you literally to your knees and you feel like an idiot out of control because you cant stop crying! BUT, I was forced to hold ALL THAT back. During the walk to the store, the shopping, and the walk back. My dad and I were very close, this hurts so much more than when he died in the hospital with me holding his hand. I stupidly thought THAT was the most pain on earth.<P>I have always THOUGHT I wanted to please her and had her happiness first. I have made great effort to do what she wanted and not do what she did not want. I became everything she DID NOT WANT when she was done.<P>For instants, in the information I gathered I found out that she wanted to cuddle and sleep in each others arms. That (info form the first time) she really liked falling asleep in HIS arms, that HE did not care if her sweat got on him or in-between where they were touching. Now the information I was going on. Form the first night we lived together, our wedding night, the first time we could sleep together after fooling around. She made it clear that we could cuddle in bed BEFORE sleep, but when it was time to fall asleep she does not like someone touching her. You see, she came form a BIG family. She had to share a bed with her sister growing up and hated her sister touching her when she was trying to go to sleep. So I learned when it was time to go to our sides of the bed. It was not easy to learn how to sleep without touching her in a TWIN SIZE BED, but I did. I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms or me in hers, but I believed I should accept her for who she was and adapt to each other.<P>Example 2: She liked this guys openness to ideas in bed and was not afraid to ask and talk about trying new things in bed. I can tell you they did a lot of talking about that. (every activity and communication using computers leaves “fingerprints” some ware. Yet any time I suggested something new or tried something new, it went over like a led balloon. Now I did not suggest any freaky, wiled stuff, but perhaps I should have. You should have read what he and she were (and did do as far as I know, yet she said they did not do what they planned to do) planning to do. <P> SO she wanted to be able talk about and experiment with new things in bed WITH SOMEONE ELSE. But if I tried to do that it was not well received. Now we have talked about this and I feel I understand why she felt that way. She always felt like a MOM and not my lover. MOMs don’t have or like sex, right? We have become MUCH more intimate and I love it. But my question is this: I THOUGHT I was filling her emotional needs in this area but was not. HOW do I make sure I, or we, do not ever let this happen again. I want to work on the present relationship too, like I THINK she does. But I believe we need to understand who we were to each other that left our relationship vulnerable to an affair AND the affair itself. I don’t feel I have a compleat handle on why and what she went to HIM for. Because that would let me know some real important things she needs<P><BR>Only people that have been betrayed by someone you love with ALL your heart.<P>Oh my, I only wanted to ask where to I tell the whole story before I ask any questions. I just went on and on. I still have not told the whole story believe it or not. I apologize if this letter is incoherent and disjointed, but so am I. I should reread it before posting, but I just can’t, my eyes are drying and I want them to get and stay dry as possible. I feel like showing her my pain hurts her and that is the last thing I want to do.<P>Any help from you would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thanks in advance.<P>Heartbroken, lost, insecure and on the road to recovery.<BR>

I am sorry you are hurting. I am the BS (betrayed spouse), too. The emotions you are feeling are so very common, especially when the pain is so new!!! You will ask yourself a million times what they did together, and imagine the worst, but try to focus on YOU! Why did she have an A (affair)? What are her and your EN's (emotional needs)? How can you get past this? These things are NOT easy, I know!!!!! Just trust that God will be there, and carry you through the tough times!! I am so sorry that you have to go through this---The pain seems unbearable sometimes, but YOU WILL get through it!! I hope things get better!<P>Krystal

Welcome to MB, BSWS,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I am a BS also.<P>Phewwww! What a story. There are several people here that can guide you to threads that define the acronyms used. <P>I wanted to say something regarding your comment about women not feeling insecure of their bodies if their H is the wayward spouse and has cheated on them.<P>I have to disagree. There are SEVERAL of us (females) that feel somewhat insecure about what the OW offered our H's in terms of their bodily attributes that we wives don't possess. For example, my H's OW has fake Ta Tas ... my guess are they are like a 20 year olds and the OW is 44. <P>IMHO, I feel that the betrayal of a H, as opposed to a W, is not any more severe in terms of our insecurities regarding our bodies. We wives have just as many bodily insecurities.<P>Please stay and read and learn, BSWS. MB and it's principals can save your marriage and make it a NEW marriage, one that can be A proof.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Hiya ~ Welcome, even though I am sorry for the reasons you are here.<P>You are right, its the worst pain most of us have ever experienced. Have you gotten the books, such as Surviving an Affair? If you haven't, run down to Barnes and Noble and see if they have it in stock - I got it at mine. It will answer some of your questions and help you to start putting some of the pieces of your life back together.<P>Alot of your reactions and questions and feelings aren't really gender specific. We women feel the same things about betrayal. Not that it will make you feel better, but you aren't unique. I hope it helps to know that it also means that you can survive just like we did.<P>BS = Betrayed Spouse<BR>WS = Wayward Spouse<BR>OW/OM/OP = Other Woman/Man/Person<BR>A = affair<BR>D = divorce...or daughter, depending on context <BR>S = son, or spouse, depending on context <P>I'm sure there are others someone can clue you in on!<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hi BSWS,<P>I too am the BS. I know how hard it is to learn of your W's A. I had all kinds of questions as well. It is tough to deal with the answers to those questions. It is good to hear that your W is willing to work on the marriage, she sounds like she is giving it effort and that is good. If you have done much reading here you will see that that makes it soo much easier if both of you are willing to work on the marriage rather than you having to do all the work.<P>Have you started any counseling? This can be very helpful, I was never the type to go to counseling, but for my marriage I was more than willing. It has helped a lot, as well as visiting this sight. There are a lot of people here going through what you are going through and we are all willing to help each other. I don't know what I would have done with out this sight....Thank you all. <P>To learn the abreviations like BS and WS (wayward spouce) go to Just Found Out, and look up the thread for new members, I will go over and pull it up if it's not at the top. It also tells you how to make the smily faces cool huh.<P>Hey don't worry about what people think, come here and ask questions, give advice if you have any, and read lots, nobody will nock you for domb questions. I know I was afraid to post a topic at first, I didn't know what others would think. You are in the right place.<P>Helpful hint, I don't know about others but try to acknowledge everyone that posts to you, so they know they're not just typing in the wind....keeps them comming back <P>Also, you aren't the only guy to shed tears over an A, I did lots of that at first, and I am a tough guy things will get better, with lots of work on your marriage and time helps too.

Sorry to post twice, just wanted to give you the title for that thread on Just Found Out, <P>The title is, General Welcome For New Builders, by OneGoing.

THANKS so much you guys,<P>SEM, BrambleRose, Resilient, Faith n Him, You all have made me feel like I am not alone! You input renew my faith that we can do this!<P>Guys in the non gender specific sense that is. You all responded so quickly. Thanks for helping me through this off the charts pain, suffering, growing, learning and whatever!<P>I believe BWs (thanks BrambleRose for the definitions) will feel equal pain and insecurities. I am probably way off base, and getting more personal than I ever intended, but as far as my phisical insecurities, I was referring specifically my “package” vs. his and a mans limitation regarding changing it, worrying about if you need to, whose is better etc. Because, for men and their “package” you are stuck with what you get. I don’t know if I am clear about this. The worried I know I am supposed to find the needs she went after that I was not fulfilling, and what if this is one of them? It feels out of my control. What if just the fact that it was new and different and nothing to do with size shape etc? This subject sounds so stupid when I read what I have typed, it is just more embarrassment on top of a very large pile. I believe all men with our fragile male egos want to believe that what they have in that department is all their wife will ever need or WANT? She had no reference before, I never felt “compared to” anyone before you know?<P>I absolutely love her with all my heart and want to completely and entirely satisfy her in every way possible. No matter how big or small. I feel my healing and understanding this mess, and the way things were leading up to the affair, and not repeating the same mistakes is vital to our future success together. The thought of her needing something that I can’t provide drives me crazy. I guess my mind is on a search and destroy mission for anything that would get in the way. Anything the I am or do that makes withdraws or is a love buster will be limited with extreme predigest! Can you tell I have a personal armory? Can you guess my first thought when I found out the guys name and location? Then, more rational thinking set in and I decided to contract this assignment, just kidding. Wow humor, feels strange. <P>Anyway, in my quest to eliminate my old self, what if one of the problems IS out of my control? You know, how DO I equal the excitement that an affair must offer, the newness of a person you have only known for 3 months vs. someone you have known for over 20 years? ALL the newness, the emotional AND physical reasons she strayed. How could one person cause such differing extreme feelings? Anyway, our bodies offer some ability to change, but there is at least one part I can not change. I guess it would be the same if your spouse wanted someone 6” taller or shorter right? Can,t change it so don’t worry about it? <P>This is such a mess. I cry almost every day and I am not a crier, but she haven’t seen me cry in about a week. I feel I have to be strong for her and the kids, If I was the WS and saw her crying it would hurt, and I do not want to hurt her. I feel not need for revenge, punishment etc. intentional or otherwise. I want to ask her a question about every 5 minutes but I don’t. I did for the first 2-3 days but I could see it was running her down and casting clouds over what could be sunnier days. So I stopped, wrote all the questions down, went over them and asked, “do I really need to know this?” Then waited about 5 days, (that was so hard) then asked some of them last Sunday. <P>I can feel how much she does not want to go over the affair for me to at least TRY to understand as much as I can. What needs did she feel she could not and was not getting form me? She acts like it’s kicking a dead horse, but I can see the horse running free. Now what?<P>I just want the pain to go AWAY, to become an expert in fulfilling ALL her needs and her mine. I want to know every detail so there are NO secrets, so the OM will have nothing I do not know about, nothing secret and special if that is possible. <P>She just want to be more lovey-dovey to each other and play it by ear. Don’t get me wrong I really like the affections we are exchanging (for now, almost everything is better) but I really want to get a better handle on what happened to us and the affair. If my wife and I owned the Boeing Aircraft company and a plane we built crashed, she would say, “We don’t need to look at the crash site, we just need to build better planes”. I would feel that the crash site may be gory, but we need to see if there is anything we can learn from it TO build better planes. That way our eyes would be better prepared to see little problems WAY BEFORE THIS HAPPENS AGAIN! Because I lover her so much it would hurt me to kick her out, and I really believe I would do exactly that. Especially with all the pain this has caused. I would figured that, I can’t, I am unable or I am unwilling to meet her needs and I love her the way she needs or enough to make and keep her happy. Obviously if this happens again. We would BOTH need to move on. I am going all out with all my strength to make this work. <P>I don’t have enough money right now (that is a another problem and story) to buy a bunch of books despite how important the books are. I was able to get a $9 book called something like “When prince charming falls off his horse”. There is a chapter that fits us to a T. It’s called, “The Prince Next Door”. I was able to get her to read a few pages of that chapter and that is it so far. :-( <P>She is willing to work on “US” and yet reluctantly willing to analyze the affair and find out what her needs are let alone mine. This all seems to be about the WS doesn’t it? We have to heal them, our relationship, marriage everything don’t we? SHEESH!<P>Don’t get me wrong; despite my wife being temporarily monogamously challenged, I love her for good reasons. She is beautiful, caring, compassionate, a great mom for our children, smart, creative, funny, fun, great in bed, sexy……I could go on and on. And she is ALL MINE, aaaaa, again, yea more humor. I do not intend to badmouth her in any way. But the facts have a way of doing that in this case unfortunately. <P>We drifted apart for a year, after 18 years of marriage and 20 together. Up until about two months ago I was trying to fill what I thought her needs were in any way I could, gifts, flowers, loving words, support, acceptance, tried to talk to her to find out what was wrong, (the answers were always different, I don’t think it was lying, rather she didn’t even know) and time and space, perhaps too much space. I tried everything I could think of for over seven months. About May June because she was also distance to the kids, I took all of us on a week long camping trip so she could stay home and “find herself”. It did not help. About the end of July I figured she did not love me any more she certainly did not want or need me and made the biggest mistake of my life, perhaps. I felt she did not love me and wanted to leave and I pulled my seeming unwanted affections back. Trying to numb my heart to her to make her leaving somehow easier. Within three weeks of my doing that she and her online friend put words into ACTION, an affair. The classic set up to make a marriage susceptible to an affair.<P>Is this the place to tell the whole story? Perhaps I could get some help here if you all had all the details. + “typing” aka talking it out might help? I am continuing to read lots of threads. <P>Thank you, for all your help, I really do!<P><BR>

Is there a chat room for us here or some place?

I am very sorry for your pain. I have to tell you that I stopped reading your post when you described how your wife had unprotected sex with the OM and then comes home and has you perform oral sex with her. This has got to be the ultimate in total disrespect for you. I can only think that a very sick woman would engage in this behavior and enjoy humiliating you this way when you did not know it at the time. You must be a very strong person to forgive and forget this behavior. I think most men would have been looking for a lawyer. I do not understand how a wife of 19 years would do this to her husband unless she absolutely wished to degrade and humiliate him. I hope you and she have been tested. What an awful story. I am so sorry for you.

Hi Bryanp,<P>Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the folling:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing. But I still thank you and all the other for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>

Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the following:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing. Also if any one is going call her “a sick woman” or anything else, it will be me. Unless you meant it constructively like she could have had or has mental problems at the time. She doe have things we still need to work on, her VERY low self esteem, perhaps her sexual abuse as a child is not as over with as we once thought, I don’t know. I still thank you and all the others for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>

Hi Bryanp,<P>Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the following:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing. Also if any one is going call her “a sick woman” or anything else, it will be me. Unless you meant it constructively like she could have had or has mental problems at the time. She doe have things we still need to work on, her VERY low self esteem, perhaps her sexual abuse as a child is not as over with as we once thought, I don’t know. I still thank you and all the others for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>

Hi Bryanp,<P>Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the following:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing. Also if any one is going call her “a sick woman” or anything else, it will be me. Unless you meant it constructively like she could have had or has mental problems at the time. She doe have things we still need to work on, her VERY low self esteem, perhaps her sexual abuse as a child is not as over with as we once thought, I don’t know. I still thank you and all the others for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>

Hi Bryanp,<P>Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the following:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing. Also if any one is going call her “a sick woman” or anything else, it will be me. Unless you meant it constructively like she could have had or has mental problems at the time. She doe have things we still need to work on, her VERY low self esteem, perhaps her sexual abuse as a child is not as over with as we once thought, I don’t know. I still thank you and all the others for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>

Hi Bryanp,<P>Thanks for your sympathy, believe me it’s not easy getting past that among other things. I don’t need to be reminded in such a graphic way tearing open wounds that have barley started healing. It is ONE of many triggers that just blindside me and not only cause tremendous mental and emotional pain but also cause unpleasant physical reactions. <P>How could she allow me to do that? That is my question, I am noshes as I type this. Was she just not thinking? Was any of it premeditated? I don’t think it was intentional to degrade or humiliate me even though that is some of the results. Was she operating in two worlds and only one world existed at a time, not thinking about what she had done earlier? I hope so. Believe it or not she is one of the most loving caring compassionate person you could ever meet! But something like this, being so out of character, only adds to the surprise or amazement or what ever.<P> I appreciate your wonderment how I overcame my first reaction to kick her out and find an attorney. But that in NOT what I need. I REALLY need help in getting over this and all the other things that consume me with unbearable, incomprehensible pain on many levels. I feel that I am dealing with all the normal type of things people list here and then some. Call me a dumb a$$ but what can I say, I STILL love her. <P>What is “Unconditional Love”? It is something I always claimed to have for her. Does it mean you will love someone no matter what? Most of the time we put many conditions on our love. Well this is about as big a test I would want anyone to navigate through. Think about your spouse. Would you willingly risk your life and enter a burning building? If you had to choose between her life and yours would you give up your life for hers? Basically would you willingly give your life, so they could live? So many ARE willing to die for they’re loved ones yet are unable to forgive them. They are only human, with human frailties and faults.<P>Some ware in the Bible it ways something like this, “Do NOT put your faith in ANY man, because they will always disappoint you, the only place you can put your faith in God without risk. <P>I believe I, or we, will get over this, we will move on some how. What I am seeking here is help or suggestions or something to make my recovery as quick as possible, and ease my pain somehow. Maybe understanding as well. Is there anyone out there that has gone through anything like this. Something as awful as what she let me do as well as all the lies, betrayal, having unprotected sex the first time she met someone in the real world, numerous times the first day she was missing (“looking for a job”) for 12 or 15 hours, and the second time, when she was gone overnight with us not knowing where she was or if she was ok. <BR> How do I over come her letting me do that along with the following:<BR> <BR> Unfortunately I acquired nude photographs of him, one with an erection called, “For You”, add this to the list I acquired a list of all the things they planned to do to each other, (with her enthusiastic responses) the second time they met, the overnight trip, (that provided more that enough time to complete the list and then some) and my imagination has more than enough fuel to produce horrible visions against my will, of that scumbag doing numerous things to my wife and her to him, in graphic detail cutting through my heart and mind like a chainsaw over and over again. <P>I do not need questions that basically ask how could I stand this or that, most would not stand for that and get a lawyer. I know you were trying to help, but reading your post was crushing and reminding me of the humiliation and other things I am trying to deal with. Also if any one is going call her “a sick woman” or anything else, it will be me. Unless you meant it constructively like she could have had or has mental problems at the time. She doe have things we still need to work on, her VERY low self esteem, perhaps her sexual abuse as a child is not as over with as we once thought, I don’t know. I still thank you and all the others for yours and their help and understanding. I look forward to this site and all your posts every day.<P>Thank you all<BR>