Dear Sally and others,<P>You are all in the infancy of this A exposure stuff. Basically coming out of the shock. The time from d/d up til about 4 months is heartwrenching to say the least. The trauma you are going through is common to this board but nonetheless hard for all to take. <P>Know that you are not alone in what you are going through. After this pain, may come anger, more sadness, anxiety, frustration, anger and finally acceptance. <P>Here is a post that may help some of you, for others you will be able to read it at a later time when your mind is able to digest this information better. I share it often and it was given to me by some friendly folk on the d/d site. They have gone through what we have and then some. The Preg/child site is another one with even greater problems. Yet I have been able to receive support and comfort from both. You see after a while you learn that giving of our time to others is also a way to help us heal. <P>For the moment though, your pain is great, we understand. Vent, cry and share your frustration here. Many waves of emotions have been dumped here some have even become confrontational but the ending is that once it is all out, it becomes easier to deal with. There are some very very real problems here with each of our situations. You will learn how to cope with what you have and in turn how to help your families. Some of the ones that have been here longer speak a bit straight forward. Listen to them, communicate with them, their words are the voice of experience. They have been where we are and still survived. Learn their techniques, it will save you some pain and suffering. Not take it away but reduce it and help you cope. Take advantage of the phone counseling service also and read those books....... <P>Here is the link to the 5 stages of grieving:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Take care of yourselves. Make wise use of your time and energies. Realize your potential and pitfalls. Steer clear of your weaknesses. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Should your WS show signs of wanting to come home, may you at that time have regained your strength and composure to be ready to assist them in your recovery. <P>L. <P>

Sally...my heart goes out to you and try to stay strong for your children. If your children has seen alot of fighting, maybe you can explain to them that its impossible for both you and daddy to live together. And that its not healthy for all of you. Right now they need reassurance. It was great that your mom was there for you tonight. If its possible, maybe you can try asking if she can spend some time at your house with you and the kids when your H leaves. Dont even bother wasting your strength arguing with H anymore about OW, just focus and use your strength for yourself. Think about it, after you saying he has been with someone else, do you really want him back? Is a man truly worth that? I hope you stay strong and wish you all the best :-)........LostMyLove<P>

Dear Sally,<BR>Sorry for all the pain your kids are in. Perhaps this Dr.Chalmers (co-author of Surviving An Affair) article would be helpful to you and to your husband (whenever you feel it is appropriate timing to share with him)... In the meantime, I'm praying for you to be strong in the Lord. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. When we are weak, God is strong and He will rescue us from certain doom. God will help you, your kids, & your husband all survive this no matter what.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_lesson.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn</A><p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 11, 2001).]

Sally- I wanted to tell you that in my last post I stayed in a Plan A when he came by to see the kids. But I should have clarified that it was a DILUTED plan A- since he was not separating our finances or doing anything real drastic yet I decided not to do anything drastic either.( I did find a lawyer just in case though and got some free advice) He felt SO guilty for leaving our kids. When he came over he tried to buy them things , be 'Disney dad' but he still had no answer when our son who turned 4 during all this kept asking him, "Daddy why are you leaving in the car?" That HAD to affect him! There is no fragmenting a family life without the fall-out and your H will see this in due time. About your H blaming you for his A- mine did the same thing- he knew what he was doing was SO wrong it was how he justified it in his head. And his thinking was being very controlled and manipulated by OW who was determined for him to divorce me and be with her. My H is only NOW admitting he CHOSE to have the A- and this is after 4 months of intense marriage counseling. Things to help YOU- I recommend taking down your wedding pics if you look at them alot- change a few things around the house- hog the WHOLE darn bed- take hot relaxing baths- I took the kids to church alot and would go see my pastor on my bad days or call friends to vent- I liked the book Hope for the Separated. Just think- you dont have to cook anything but kid food now!I let the kids be messy because my H hates a messy house.I figured who was he to complain about it now??? I also took comfort in the idea that God had a master plan for my life though I didnt know what it was- and that things had to be done in HIS timing not in mine no matter how impatient I was to put our family and marriage back together. Your H is not getting off scott-free during this time believe me though it may seem like it to you. lifeismessy

Sad Sally<P>Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. Take care of you. ok?

Sally,<P>How are you doing? I see you are in the NY area. Please let us know how you and your family are.<P>L.

Sally, have you seen this thread by mthrrbard? She has some encouraging things to say from the perspective of a BS whose husband moved out after d-day but eventually moved back in. They are 2 years post d-day.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012480.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012480.html</A> <P>I'm so sorry for your children's pain and your own. Please keep posting.<P>SBH<p>[This message has been edited by SadButHopeful (edited September 12, 2001).]