First and foremost, I want to send out my prayers and best wishes to the victims and their families of today's terrible tragedy. May God be with them.<P>Now for my update. For those not familiar with my story, please see my 2 most recent threads. It appears I have 3 options:<P>1. continue to plan A<P>advantages - it's safe<P>disadvantages - nothing is likely to change<P>2. I could leave and begin plan B<P>advantages - it may give my W a glimpse of life without me and it may help her see what she stands to lose; it will allow me to remove myself from a painful situation and start to move on with my life<P>disadvantages - it will blow any chance I have for custody of my daughter; according to my lawyer, my chances are as good as my W's, however he did say that the courts prefer to leave those decisions up to the parents and usually in time the parents come to an agreement in the best interest of the child <P>3. file for D<P>advantages - it won't affect my custody chances; filing may serve as a wake up call for my W<P>disadvantages - it's not what I want or what's best for my daughter; it may be exactly what my W wants and will relieve her of the burden and guilt of filing herself<P>Faced with such tough decisions, I can see why my W hasn't done anything. There are risks and consequences no matter who decides to take action.<P>The only other idea I had was asking my W to leave and allowing her to take our daughter with her. She won't leave without her, but I truly feel nothing will change as long as we stay together. It's not fair for my daughter to be uprooted from her home, but if we divorce she will be anyway. <P>Feeling the emotional and financial strain, seeing the affect on our daughter, and not having any EN's met by me may help my W see what life as a single Mom is like, and hopefully she won't like it.<P>Any suggestions or advice?<P>sad dad <BR><p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 12, 2001).]

No Advice SD,<P> Just wanted you to know that your options sound about right. Those disadvantages really make it hard to decide though huh?<BR>Hang in there man.<P> jd

Play it SAFE... And hope for the best.

Dear Sad Dad,<P>What is your heart telling you? Logically considering all of the consequences is obviously important, but what does your heart say?<P>The most important choices I made were not the sole result of logic. I decided based upon my own "emotional" bottom line. I decided what I could and could not live with. I then drew the line.<P>It does not sound like you are ready to draw that line. When you are, believe me you will know. Until then, my advice is to Plan A.<P>Julie

jd, btdt & newwoman,<P>Thanks for your relpies.<P>I may have another option. A separation with 50/50 shared custody. It wouldn't matter who left. One week my W gets our daughter mon-tues-sat-sun and I get her wed-thurs-fri, the next week we switch. Neither of us would go more than 3 days without seeing our daughter, but we would have equal time with her. This would protect both of us in custody issues should we divorce. We can come up with some kind of financial agreement regarding the house, bills and daycare. It sounds fair, but I don't know if my W would agree to it. She hasn't been very fair these last 10 months.<P>sad dad<P>

Saddad...<P>Shared custody has its advantages and disadvantages too...biggest disadvantage is your daughter feels like a football being kicked back and forth with no roots. I have seen the shared agreements...it is tough on the kids to move back and forth...they want some stability. I am not trying to be a wet blanket on your idea, but from a perspective of one that deals with kids on a daily basis, this can be very hard on her. But, as you stated, it is an option for you and W. For what its worth, I believe either play it safe too...for now. It may be time to shake up W very soon though as she feels safe as well.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

trueheart,<P>I'm not big on shared custody either, at least not on a permanent basis. This would only be while we are separated as a way to protect both of us on custody issues. In the event we get divorced, our daughter will need a place to call home.<P>This idea was only a way to let my W know that the status quo is not acceptable. Hopefully, proposing this option may shake things up a little, but it will also give us both a dose of the reality and a glimpse of divorced life. Odds are she won't agree to it, put it may stir the pot.<P>Just so you know, it's 4-1/2 months past d-day with no admission of EA, no effort to work on our marriage and contact with OM continues. Despite her desire for a D, she has taken no action. No reason for her to, sitting on the fence is safe. The dynamics of the situation need to change soon and I've got to be the one to change them. But, I realize 4-1/2 months isn't a long time by MB standards and I've still got alot left in the tank. It's not unbearable at home, we get along quite well considering. We talk and share a few laughs, it's just not a marriage.<P>sad dad<P> <P> <P>

I spoke with my lawyer today. He said a separation with a 50/50 split would protect both of us. I also did some number crunching and I believe financially it could work, but only if my W left. She couldn't pay the mortgage herself, but I think I can. It would be tough, but it will be if we divorce anyway.<P>I not quite ready to talk to her about this yet. We are talking a bit more (nothing about us) and are spending a little more time together. We watched a few movies together the last two nights trying to get away from the events in NY and Washington and all the TV coverage. I'll have to see how things go the next week or so before I talk to her about this.<P>sad dad

Hi SD! - just wanted to let you know I keep reading your updates and am wishing you well. I know the difficult spot you are in and how the legal options are not easy to accept as the only alternatives available. Just please remember to do what what you feel is best for you. Only you can know what that is. Take care- lifeismessy

Sad Dad,<P>This is going to sound radical, so please don't take offense. It's simply offered as another alternative to throw into the mix.<P>Could you leave and take your daughter with you? Could you get a place near your home, with provisions to help provide for the home costs as well as a second place for you and D? This would allow for contact between D and W. With this arrangement, it would make it clear to your W that you don't want to stay in the present condition, but intend to provide for your D as best you can, but don't feel leaving her at your home with your W in the present circumstance is acceptable to you.<P>Again, may not be palatable to you, I'm simply throwing more options at you to help make an already confusing situation even more so! <P>I'm praying for clear direction for decisions you must try to make at this time.<P>Lupo

lim,<P>Thanks for your continued support and encouragement.<P>lupo,<P>My W would never agree to me leaving with our daughter. A 50/50 split is really the only way I can protect myself on future custody issues. I guess if my W were to leave with our daughter I might agree to that. I don't really care what the arrangement is, but the current situation is simply unacceptable and unhealthy for all of us. I really believe the only chance for our marriage to survive is to be away from each other for a while. <P>sad dad

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