Marriage counseling was scheduled for tonight and husband just called and said he hurt his back yesterday and can't go and to schedule another one. I told him that I have 24 hours to cancel and he knew that. I asked why he couldn't have called me yesterday to tell me and he said he didn't have time. Well, that got my blood boiling. I kept my cool about it but I came right out and told him that he has 1 month to make his decision about coming back home or not, I'm not playing games anymore. He said that's fine, he said he's coming back home. Was I wrong for giving him a time limit on coming back? Do you think since now he is strapped for time, he won't come back? We have been separated since July 24. <P>I'm just fed up with all of this and I haven't been feeling like this in a long time. I think it just made me made that we have only been to one counseling session and that was August 22 and now he can't go. I really think I'm done with all of this because I'm the one working on myself and he could care less about his problems and us.

ela<P>We all have to make this decision for ourselves and figure out how much we can take. It's different for everyone. <P>It seems like you are fairly early in the process, if you have been separated since the end of July. <P>When my W (WS) moved out I could not and would not set a deadline. It seems like the process kind of takes on a life of its own and I decided to ride it out for as long as I could take it one day at a time.<P>After five months of separation she moved back home about a month ago.<P>That worked for me...but that may not work for you.<P>I think deadlines are tough, and you really need to be willing to enforce it or it means nothing. <P>Good luck...<P>E<P>(BTW, I see you are a NASCAR fan---roll #24!)

I agree with Elad, but have only recently come to that realization. As early as just a couple of days ago, I was insisting that my W (WS who says she is trying to work on our marriage) move back in together. She resented the pressure and I could tell that it was a major LBer. I have decided to give her the time that she needs to WANT to come back. We are in counseling and she has agreed to go to the MB weekend (both positive signs). She has agreed to stop communicating with OM, although he still calls her. She has told me that she will tell him that she cannot talk and hangup on him next time he calls. At this point, I am praying that we have the same results as Elad. <P>Good luck, keep us posted<BR>S&C

Thanks for your input Elad and Sad. I guess maybe I am jumping the gun but its just seems like he keeps canceling things that we plan. I think counseling is really important to go to. He wants to go but you can't keep canceling and think things are going to work. I did call and cancel but then I called back and left a message for the therapist asking if I can just go. Maybe I can get alot out in the open without the husband being there and get some other type of direction on all of this. <P>I have been resolving my problems and becoming a better person, just seems like H can care less about his problems. He told me he's coming back but I know he can't come back without working on his problems first. That's just won't work.<P>ELAD - I'm not a Gordon fan - was a #3 fan (still am in my heart).

ela<P>Yeah---figured you for a #3 fan...there still are a lot <P>Yes, yes, yes, for sure you should go to counseling by yourself. At this point you really need to focus on two things, in my opinion.<P>1. You<P>2. Keep your eye on the big picture and not let the day-to-day stuff get to you. <P>Things really turned around for me when I decided that I could not react to every little thing that went on with my W and everything she said. Instead, I focused on her saying she planned to come home but needed some time to work out her issues.<P>It sounds like your H is still a little fogged up. You just can't get to him now and it is frustrating to try. Do stuff for you and (do you have kids??---I forget) family.<P>This is tough but you have to realize that you can't do a lot to influence him at this point.<P>Good luck <P>E <p>[This message has been edited by Elad (edited September 12, 2001).]

Thanks again ELAD <P>I have no children, just two dogs that are like children <P>I have seen things turn around since all of this. When I was bothering my H when he was coming back, he got further away from me. Now that I don't bother him, he has been more responsive and we've had good conversations. He just upset me today, knowing that he should have called yesterday if he couldn't go to counseling. Sometimes I think that if he wants this to work then he should be putting more effort into all of this. I feels sometimes he just doesn't care. I'm waiting for the counselor to call me back to see if I can just come tonight. <P>I have been feeling pretty good about things lately but I think I'm a little upset because our 5 year anniversary is this Friday. I just don't want this separation to drag on, that's why I told him he has 1 month. Sometimes I feel like I am being strung along. Do you think I should tell him that I made a mistake in giving him a time limit??<P>

ela<P>My W was very adamant about not pushing her. The one thing I really learned from her that she needed was not to be pressured. That seemed to me to be something (pressure) that would really backfire. <P><BR>I am not sure if you should rescind your deadline. I think it would be wise, however, for you to take a day and think about it and think about how your H would react.<P>A lot of it also is really up to you and how you feel and how much you can take.<P>It's easy at this point to put yourself last but that really doesn't help things overall. <P>Talk to your counselor about this. It sounds like that could really help you.<P>In our case my W and I saw counselors separately. We will begin seeing a counselor together for the first time tonite. I am not sure what to expect, but I know it is a step forward in our recovery process. (hopefully)<P>Good luck <P>E<P> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Elad (edited September 12, 2001).]

Hi E, Not that I'm any expert but I would say that setting a time limit is too much pressure for our WS's. Time is all very relative and I really believe that you don't want your WS before he can come to you and say he's ready. You just can't make him ready. He has to be the one to FEEL IT, WANT IT and WORK for it. <P>Good luck.

Hi E, Not that I'm any expert but I would say that setting a time limit is too much pressure for our WS's. Time is all very relative and I really believe that you don't want your WS before he can come to you and say he's ready. You just can't make him ready. He has to be the one to FEEL IT, WANT IT and WORK for it. <P>Good luck.

Thanks everyone I think I do need to think about what I said to H about giving him 1 month. I think maybe I spoke before I thought. I think it was also because I was upset that he can't go to counseling. I did call my counselor but she hasn't called me back. If she doesn't call me back today, I'm going to go donate blood after work and call her again tomorrow.<P>Believe me, I want this marriage to work and I have been doing everything I can to make myself a better person. I've been giving my H space and instead of him wanting to work on this marriage with me, he chooses to be with his friends all the time. Another thing that bothers me is that he lives with his parents right now and they are not saying or doing anything (which they shouldn't anyway) but he's getting a free ride and I think that is why he isn't doing his part in working on this marriage.

ela<P>One thing you need to remember is that the work on this (at least initially and maybe for a long time) will be done by you the BS. <P>It ain't right; it ain't fair and it ain't fun, but them's the facts <P>Hang in there and when you think you can't go any further try to remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other...<P>If you need to vent or are looking for support this is a great place...<P>Good luck <P>E

Thanks again ELAD your input, comments, and help are much appreciated <P>I'm hanging in there and will continue to do so. I do have a positive attitude about my marriage working out and my H coming back. I'm just a little anxious and I don't want to push the issue (believe me, I don't) about his return. I don't want him coming back and nothing being resolved either because for sure our marriage won't work. One thing about our marriage not working out has nothing to do with OM or OW, we just didn't communicate and H lied to me about things.<P>Thanks again

ela I'm responding to your post for two reasons. My Daughter is/was? OW and I have a friend who lurks and is following MB but does not post.<BR> First of all as a parent, EVERYTHING that we did to change the situation slapped us back in the face.<BR>Second, I want to tell you about my friend. She told me that she stopped talking about having WS come home and actually told him that she was not ready for him to come home. She said that it was not HIS decision but HERS to make. She said that she was working on herself and that she would let him know when he could come home. (they talked everyday). She told me that when she did this that the whole relationship began to turn around. This took preasure off of him and gave her the power she needed to feel strong. I could hear it in her voice. After a six mo. seperation HE ASKED if she would let him come home.<BR>"We want what we have to work for and what we can't have"<BR>For what it is worth.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Marry

Elad,<P>I'm with you on the GO # 24 !!!!!!!!!<P>Bigger Braves fan that NASCAR but Sundays at my house there is always alot of TV flipping. Funny thing my H never liked any sports but fishing.<P>Now I can watch what I want without his input!!!<P>I do feel for the # 3 fans too and I have to admit that I shed more than a few tears over it all myself. <P>PP