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This coming Saturday will be the 2 year anniversary of d-day for H and me. Two weeks before our d-day he told me he wanted a separation because he was no longer "in love" with me. <P>Monday night, H and I had a talk about his affair. We haven't talked about this in many months, as things have been going so well. He said some things I wanted to share with the BS out there. <P>We separated, 1 month after d-day for a period of 2 months. He couldn't decide if he wanted to be married and I couldn't live with his continued indecision. He had asked for the separation 2 weeks before d-day but never made the necessary arrangements to actually go through with it. After a month of fence sitting, I told him I thought it would be best if he left to decide what he wanted.<P>He says now, that he would never have been able to come to a decision while living at home, that his time away was just what he needed to sort everything out. He says that not until he was alone did he start to realize how foolish he had been, how utterly ridiculous his thought process had become. He describes his thinking in his affair as "tunnel vision". He saw no way out of his misery except through OW. He says there is no way I would have been able to do anything to persuade him to want the marriage, that he had to get to that point entirely on his own. He said the best thing I did in the whole mess was to let him go.<P>He said that living alone allowed him to relax, that trying to make his decision while living at home was impossible. He says he felt pressured by being around me and the kids, even though now, he sees we did nothing to pressure him. Just being here made him feel boxed in, unable to do or decide what he thought would be best for himself. When he left, he says, the tunnel of his vision gradually expanded, as though a "fog" were lifting and he could finally see that what he thought was a solution to his misery was actually a "stupid" mistake. <P>He says that being away was very painful ( the most painful experience of his life), that being away allowed him to experience all the emotions towards me and the kids that he had locked away in another compartment, while involved with OW. He said he would cry in his car, all the way home from work and many of the nights he was away. He says he never would have felt free enough to do that, as much and as many times as he needed, while living at home and that being able to release all of his emotions and pain, without the fear of me asking questions about it, was very therapuetic.<P>He said that without the time alone, and experiencing what it would be like to be divorced, he would have never been able to see clearly enough to make his way fully back home for good. He says that if he had stayed here, he would have felt coerced, despite and as a result of me making changes in Plan A. He says that the separation allowed him to decide that it was with his family, that he wanted to remain with forever.It was the separation that allowed him to get to the point where he was motivated to do the work to rebuild our marriage. He says he is now very thankful that I released him and didn't try to force him to make up his mind.<P>Funny thing. I thought that in asking him to go, that I was "forcing" him to make up his mind. I wanted him to make up his mind, but in his reality and in his thinking, he saw me as generous by letting him go. He says he also saw me as confident and self assured and that made me more attractive to him in the long run.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is that all is not lost if your WS wants to separate or if BS gets to the point where it is simply too painful to continue to live with a WS who can't make up their mind. Don't look at it as the end of the marriage. Work has to begin in them as well as in you, as individuals first, before you can work together to build a new marriage.Sometimes WS needs space and the reality of what they stand to lose to get motivated to come back.You just might be giving you and your marriage an actual advantage, that you can't see nor realize, by letting go, regardless of whether or not you think your love bank still has a balance that is in the black. <BR>

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Thanks mthrr...<P>This is very enlightening...<P>The point of my other post was not to rush into the LEGAL stuff out of haste or anger...<P>I wish I had been strong enough and less fearful to let my husband go the way that you did...<P>My head knows what your H says is probably true for my own H...but there was and probably is so much fear...<P>Thank you,<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

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Thank you mthrrhbard! This is what I need right now. THanks you for sharing! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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But often they just move right in with the OW - to a life of little responsibility, a nice house, plenty of money, a divorce fund - and little motivation to ever think much about his family.

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First I want to say thank you to mthrrhbard and to ask a question. At any point during the seperation did you stop contacting your husband? If so how long?<P>Second, to Nellie, if you read "After the Affair" you'll know that the more time they spend together the quicker the real world hits. I almost think affairs burn out quicker if they live together. I don't know, just my understanding.<P>SBT

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Cali,<BR> I understood your intention in your post and I agree. I know there are some divorced couples that go on to remarry but it sure isn't commonplace.<P>Just so you know, I NEVER felt strong about what I did. I was just devistated, an emotional wreck. I had to take a leave of absence from my job as a nurse, as I felt I was so distracted that I might jeopardize the safety of my patients. I had to find a way to get some resolution so that I could get myself together enough to go back to work should he decide to divorce me. We all have to deal with ou fear in our own way and time. You'll do what is right for YOU! Hugs.<P>Faith 1<P> Glad to be helpful. My H thought his thoughts on how he processed his crisis might be helpful to someone who is struggling.Good luck to you.<P>Nellie 1<P>I know your experience with this has not been the same as mine. H and I have always struggled financially, despite our upper middle class income, due to having a handicapped child that has many medical and educational issues that prevent us from getting very far ahead in the game. I honestly believe that if money hadn't been an issue that my H would have left. He's always been one to believe that a relationship shouldn't be "work", until now. If he could have been financially comfortable, I think he would have taken the path of least resistance and not looked back. He would have been comfortable and wouldn't have felt guilty because I can support myself and the kids. I am sorry that your H has moved on and chosen not to look back. God bless you and your kids.<P>SBT<P>We still had contact but I never initiated it, unless I had to relate something about the kids to him. I stepped aside and let him take the lead. He sensed me "trying" to detatch emotionally. I told him I wouldn't wait indefinitely for him to make up his mind, but never gave him a definite deadline. I went about living my life like I was preparing for him to divorce me.Good luck to you!<p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited September 12, 2001).]

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sbt, unfortunately not every time; you may not know Nellie's story.<P>mthrrhbard, I mostly lurk or hang in the Emotional Needs section. It is good to hear that things have continued to go so well with you.<P>Although we can compare stories, I think each couple has their own way. We also are approaching two years and are doing very well. In our case, we both felt he needed to stay and work try to refocus on us. I was, however, willing to let go. I have never thought that begging him to stay was effective.

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Thanks, Mthrr...<BR> This was also what I needed to hear. HOWEVER, I tend to agree with this post:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>But often they just move right in with the OW - to a life of little responsibility, a nice house, plenty of money, a divorce fund - and little motivation to ever think much about his family. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is exactly what my H did, is doing. AND, she doesn't pressure him into needing money, since her dad died last year and WILLED his house to her - FREE AND CLEAR!!! Few money worries there, one of his major LB'ers around our house, even tho I made the majority of the money, and shouldered most of the burden (obviously as does she, since it's HER house and bills). I guess she asks him for NO MONEY....wish <B>I</B> could take that vacation from bills.<BR>I also fear that since he's "with her" they will become "as H and W" just by virtue of time spent together - with family, new friends, his new job....just kind of "settling into" a new lifestyle, I guess is my fear.<P>Secondly, I am waiting for THIS reality to hit:<BR><B>...if you read "After the Affair" you'll know that the more time they spend together the quicker the real world hits. I almost think affairs burn out quicker if they live together. </B><P>I hope this happens, but I'm afraid my H doesn't view "his" as an A, since he "filed papers" on me, and tells everyone we are "legally separated" (NOT) so he's free to "date." I guess that's the new euphemism for "shacking up."<P>Anyway, thanks, mthrr...and sad_but_true, for your words of wisdom. I hope and pray THIS ONE statistic is one we will follow!! (We're usually waaay off the charts of "normal" when it comes to those things!) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Lupo<BR>

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Mrrthbard,<BR>Thanks for sharing.<P>Our D day and reconciliation date are 1 1/2 years apart. The first few separations didn't help anything, my H just acted single. The last separation he did much like yours did the first time, spent time alone, figured out that I wasn't the cause of his problems and I think he finally thought about what he was losing, or what was lost, as I served the D papers.<P>Like Nellie says, separation isn't necessarily the key, it depends on what they do with it. <P>Separation also isn't always the end, even lots of separations, though I don't recommend it, but I wasn't the one leaving and was not in control of that aspect, except for whether I would see him or not *if* he wanted to see me....<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

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Hi Schizzo!<P>I agree, every couple must make their own way. Everyone has to do what feels right for them. I had hoped he would change his mind about separating and come to some decision in the month before we separated but it didn't happen. It was very scary to ask him to leave but there was no way I was going to be able to emotionally stable myself living with him in his indecision. After being here for 2 years now, I do know that there are many different and not so positive outcomes to the same course of action, every couple is so very different. I feel strongly that it is counterproductive to let our fear paralyze us or get the best of us if we feel stuck in a bad situation.<BR>I'm glad to hear you and H are continuing to do well too! I miss your insights over here on GQII. You have lots of good stuff to offer folks here.Take care and God bless you and H and the kids!<P>Lupolady<P>I hope you have the success I did as well! Like I replied to Nellie, I realize,that the likelihod that my H's lifestyle would have been more uncomfortable divorced than married made a big difference in his decision. He really had a lot to lose and would have had to start from ground zero if we divorced. My H was also depressed, so once he started to resolve that big issue, he was able to see that the situation at home, was in reality, not as bad as he had originally felt it was. Good luck to you!<P>Lor,<BR>So very right, it's not the separation that is the key but what WS does with it. many just want to use it as an excuse to spend more time with OP. <P>Your story and success has offered endless support and inspiration to many, many people here. WS definitely change on their own timetable , not ours.<P>Do you think it was the fact that you served divorce papers on him that woke him up, or the fact that you detatched and became involved with someone else, a combination of the two or something totally within himself that made Guard change his heart?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited September 12, 2001).]

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Myrrth,<BR>I think it was everything, it was the 2 year timing, God's timing, his A being over for several months, his time alone, the counselor really reaching him, my moving on--the D papers, the OM, our oldest being polite but dismissive of him, his realization that his life with me & the kids was very nearly out of his reach, I wouldn't let him move back in like I had the previous 6 times...and that really wasn't what he wanted. And he changed his life, including a Plan A so that I would reconsider our marriage.<P>My behavior that last separation wasn't entirely MB appropriate (should have tried harder with an actual Plan B), but I did set boundaries that I should have set long before then and I do think that was the right thing to have done.<P>Looking back, if I were to change anything...maybe we would have reconciled for good earlier, maybe not at all. <BR>

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Bump back to the top for Bad Hubby

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mthrrhbard---whenever you post, you encourage me. Thank you for your insights. Glad that you and H are working things out. Separation is right where I am at right now and I am not having a good day. Thanks for sharing your H feelings but WAS HE HEAVILY INVOLVED WITH OW when you separated????? I must say, though, some days are full of freedom, hopes and new beginnings....other days are complicated by the feelings of rejection and that something that belongs to me is being given to someone else....Like someone stole something from me and I want it back.<P>D-day was 4/21/01 and I spent over 4 months in Plan A. I know I was successful cause of the response my H had before leaving. He did not want to leave. I basically pushed him out the door with the plea that I could not any longer handle the pain. He agreed that what he was doing was wrong and so unfair to me. I could not stand sitting and watching his involvement with OW. He would NOT make a decision and saw OW regularly...it was as if he wanted both. He was very remorseful when he left....crying, depressed and not sleeping. But now I feel like I have just thrown him into the OW arms and now he is on his "honeymoom". They were restricted in the times they saw each other while WS lived here and they had to sneak time in. Now he can be with OW all the time and I know he is cause he normally hangs out with his brother all weekend and his brother lives next door. It is hard for me at times to let go so that is why I am writing to get some of these feelings out. <P>I am not sure if Plan B is right for now....what do we base no contact with WS on? I do not want to chit chat about his life and be his friend but on the other hand, if I am out of site, will I be out of mind. Do I still need to Plan A and what determines that? I also want him to see if he really cares for me. He said he will miss me...also I do not think he will have any contact with his grown sons and other family members cause no one is very supportive and happy with him right now. I do not want him to come back out of guilt or any other need but for us to be husband and wife. This is all complicated by a drinking problem which I believe has to be addressed to have any marital connectedness.<P>Oh---how life has so many blind corners. Any suggestions on what to read now that I am not working on marriage but need to grow for my moving forward with or without H?<P>TW

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Whaat an uplifting story, Thanks for sharing and the H for letting you.<P>My H has been gone almost a month, he is UT, OW is in FL and I and kids are in SD. D day 1-27-01.<P>H did go see Ow before moving to UT, slept on her couch, so is still and EA.<P>H callss regularly, did e mail and say that I needed to let him go so I could be happy, Hummmm who needs to let go? I feel better about myself and what I am doing with my life then I have for a while, I miss him and I love him still, but I am not setting here pining away, I let go. I have no expectations just a lot of hope, and if it doesn't float it doesn't float and I am geared to make a life on my own, ssomeday maybe there will be someeone that I would like to share it with but not now, just let me be!! Dawn

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My H just said all he needed was a good ol fashioned a$$ kicken<BR>


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